Category Archives: Everything Else

Do Not Call and Cell Phones

It seems there’s an email going around, warning people about a cell phone directory for telemarketers. I’ve even heard a rumor at work that Congress is going to pass a bill allowing telemarketers to call cell phones. Both appear to be bogus, more or less.

It’s true that Verizon is making a cell phone directory, for use only by their customers, listing only those who have given their express permission. Other mobile phone companies have no plans for a directory. As for Congress, they know that stopping telemarketers is a big hit with voters. Why would they undo the law stopping cell phone telemarketing, which exists because you pay per-minute charges on incoming calls? Doesn’t make sense.

The half-truth is that the National Do Not Call Registry does accept mobile phone numbers, and always has. So if you’re paranoid, it won’t hurt to register your mobile number, too.

The Counteroffer

Businessweek has a good article that explains why you should avoid accepting a counteroffer from your current employer. By “good”, I mean it agrees with what I have been saying for years, because I’m wise like that. I’ve heard bosses express that, sometimes, they feel like you’re holding a gun to their head in order to get a raise. The article has several other good reasons, too.

Professor CheX

Bank of America doesn’t carry my Looney Toons checks anymore, and doesn’t put current check designs online, since they don’t need more money. So I had to check out (pun intended, bitch) third parties to find something cool. And something cool I found: X-men checks! They kick ass, and demonstrate my mutant banking powers. I also found a bunch of other cool checks:

There are many checks for those young and old. If you’re 8, and somehow have a checking account, there’s Spongerobert Rectangulartrousers. And if you’re over 40, and live with as many cats, you are golden. There are so many lame check designs that your head will explode. I recommend Strawberry Shortcake riding a pegasus that’s f#cking a unicorn (set of four scenes).

Take My Advice: Win The Lottery

A coworker is going to be out for knee surgery, and said he’d be back on Monday. Our secretary insists he wants to be back on Friday. No he doesn’t. He doesn’t even want to be here Monday-Thursday. Or weekends. He comes in because he has to, just like the rest of us. But you can skip all that if you just take my advice and win the lottery.

Lottery winners get craploads of money, and it only costs a dollar. So it’s totally worth it. You just gotta make sure you get the right ticket. Trust me, it’s easier than it sounds. Some tips…

Don’t pick a previous winning number. Have you ever heard of the same number winning twice, in any lottery? Me neither. You can get the winning numbers off the internet – for free! This cuts out thousands of useless numbers. If you don’t do this, you’re just wasting money.

Bribe the 7-11 guy. Obviously, this guy’s already won, or else he wouldn’t have a 7-11. Don’t tell me you come fresh off the boat and say, “I need a 7-11”, and they just give you one. Those things are freakin’ expensive. You gotta win the lottery first. So a lot of foreigners know how to pick the right numbers. But don’t ask a foreigner who’s selling oranges, or writing software, ’cause they haven’t figured it out yet (oranges and computers are cheap, compared to 7-11s). Also, don’t think they had money when they came here, ’cause if you had mad fat stacks of cash – 7-11 money – you’d be big pimpin’ back in your third world hood, with all sorts of fly honeys. Not running a 7-11 in the States, that’s for sure.

Get a job cleaning the lotto machine. Those machines work by blowing ping-pong balls around, and grabbing the winning balls from the top. Just tell them you need to wash the balls, and then inject the non-winning numbers with something to weigh them down, like heroin. You probably already have that in your needle, anyway. And you can always get more heroin, ’cause you’re gonna win the lottery. In fact, you might even win a few lotteries in a row, before everyone catches on. If you do this, ignore the rule about not picking previous winning numbers.

There are other ways, but they might be illegal, so I won’t talk about them here. Remember, rich people make their own luck. But that’s another topic for another time.

The People In Your Neighborhood

Apparently a fellow Westminster resident and waitress was displeased with a couple customers hitting on her. Allegedly, she followed the standard protocol in the restaurant industry, which is to call your thug boyfriend and have the customers killed. This took place in the Hawaii Cafe in Garden Grove, now closed for “remodeling”.


An Appeal

I saw an unopened letter today, addressed to my roommate. You could tell by its lack of sender that it was unsolicited. But instead of luring you to open it by false claims of importance or time sensitivity, it appealed to your sense of compassion. “Please, do not discard,” it read. I felt a certain sense of weariness in the words, a surrender. The cheap envelope offered little privacy to its contents, which I could see proclaimed “0.0%” in a large, black font. That, too, seemed defeatist. “Please, just take it. It’s free. If only you would, out of kindness, not discard this letter.”