All posts by mystery



Anyone? I don?t know about you but I haven?t and I’m getting worried. I?ve been getting these in the mail for years now. I mean I applaud their efforts. I do. It doesn?t do any wonders for lifting the spirits, however. Open the mailbox.

?Great more bills. Oh, and people are missing. Just wonderful. I can’t afford another credit card bill and a child has been kidnapped. Hooray.

I feel helpless. Does anyone carry this thing around in their pocket, making a conscious effort to find them?

?I know it says they went missing in Colorado but my gut tells me they?ve gone south west to a warmer climate. They?re probably on foot.?

Perhaps I?m getting these flyers as a sign that I should be doing more to help. I can make a difference. We all can. I think we should distribute these to all the homes! Not just mine. Tell the world. And we?ll all carry these around, notice in hand, comparing them to women at bus stops and children in candy stores. You know, really commit to the case.

Wouldn?t it be fun to shake down one of the guys down at the docks? Slip him a twenty for some info or maybe just rough him up a little till he spills the beans. Those dock workers always have the inside scoop.

That sounds dangerous though. Maybe we should just use some of our tax money to form a department that essentially polices the areas we live in. Then we could notify that department of all missing persons. Just a thought.

I?m all for doing my part for finding missing children. I just feel that I can only cover so much ground on my own. We need more people dedicated to the cause.

Perhaps the recruitment problem lies in the coupon on the back.

Missing Backside2.jpg

Unless you?re ordering prescription drugs from the Canadian Pharmacy chances are this one?s not a ?keeper?. And if you are ordering prescription drugs, you?re probably old and less likely to be alert and on the lookout for runaways and missing children. If you’re getting those drugs from the Canadian pharmacy, you’re also probably less patriotic and don’t care about the problems in America. That?s just science.

Like I said, I do care and that’s why I don’t want to hear about it. They might as well hand me a piece of paper that says ?RECYCLE THIS?. Whatever happened to the side of a milk carton? I guess depressing people doesn?t do a body good.

?Mommy, why is that kid missing??
?Cause he didn?t finish his cereal. Now shut up and eat.?


Welcome to Agent Mystery’s ONE MINUTE RESTAURANT REVIEW. If it takes you more than one minute to read this, you must be an idiot. It’ true. I’ll prove it. Stopwatches out. And. GO!

Astro burger was founded in the 1900’s by a person with a dream. A dream to sell burgers and other prepared food items and to make money doing it. Historians believe this restaurant was the first to be founded on this principle, influencing cultures in all stretches of the world. That much we can take as scientific fact. But how can one explain the perfect zucchini stick? Now, you’re asking yourself, why one would try. And now you’re looking at your stopwatch and going, ‘it’s been forty seconds already? Am I retarded? And now you’re telling yourself, ‘No. I’m not. This review is retarded.’ And now you’re reassuring yourself that, ‘yes, it is in fact the review that is retarded.’ And only now are you ready to read the real review. Well, done. The student has indeed become the teacher.

ASTRO BURGER is a medium sized fifties diner setting with cool booths, each complete with occasionally working juke boxes on every table, so bring your quarters and a hankering for Elvis. There’s also an outdoor patio so bring your cigarettes. Or not. Maybe a coat? I don’t know. Use your common sense. You’re bound to see every type coming in for a bite. The gamut of Los Angeles runs through here nightly and steadily, right up until Four ‘o’ clock hour. That’s AM folks.

It’s a burgers and shakes, fifties rock, kind of place but it’s infused with today’s modern Los Angeles cravings. Mexican and Cali influences touch various dishes. Lots of Avocado on hand at this uniquely cool restaurant on the corner of Santa Monica and Gardner. It is also directly across the Street from FAT BURGER, which isn’t bad in it’s own right. It also just so happens to be diagonally across from the future sight of the CRACK TEAM’S Newest Restaurant, FAT ASTRO! I’m confident it will be one of the top three burger joints on that block.

Now, some notes for the unfamiliar on the MENU:


At Astro Burger, everything is freshly prepared. And all burgers come with the thousand island-chopped onions-crisp-shredded-lettuce-sliced-tomatoes compilation. I usually go for the Turkey burgers. Go bold and get the Bacon Avocado Cheeseburger. Or be dedicated to your health and your colon and grab their renowned Garden Burger. Both of these are considered “House Specialties.” Also in that category falls their pastrami burger, however, I haven’t felt myself get the urge to induce a heart attack, and frankly it doesn’t sound that good. One at a time, please. Thank you.

They’ve also got Buffalo burgers (which I ordered thinking it was some how covered in hot sauce…and then realized that I had just made a really dumb assumption and that even a burger covered in hot sauce didn’t sound very good to begin with) The Buffalo Burger is heavily seasoned and was a bit odd tasting but not bad at all. And the one I’ve yet to try but is seriously up for consideration is the Ostrich Burger. Actually made from, get this: Real Ostriches.

I don’t really have any qualms about eating Ostrich. I’ve only really seen them on TV but they just seem to act like total assholes. Y’know, kinda like the prick in high school that pushed kids into lockers. They probably taste good. Not the pricks in high school. The burgers, I mean.


All their mexican is good because the guys cooking are, um,…how you say…Mexican. Hombre, get the Quesadilla. You’ll thank me later. Ask for Sour Cream. They won’t give it to you without asking and they’ll charge you for it when you do.


Club Jr. and Fries is a great quick filling meal for six and a quarter. A good deal for this place. Pastrami sandwich is pretty good, though their menu clearly states, “Best in Town”. Other Pastrami Connoisseur’s believe Astro Burger’s statement is an attempt to insult the town. The Tuna Melt is a smart choice. I wouldn’t go for the steak sandwich though. But then again, I’ve never been a fan of rib-eye steak sandwiches. I’m a philly fan myself.

Side Note:(No matter what you hear, nobody in LA does a great Philadelphia Steak Sandwich. And as a rule, you definitely don’t buy it if they actually call it a “Philadelphia Steak Sandwich.”)

The Chicken Club once reigned supreme to my current norm, the Bacon Cheddar Turkey Burger. The Club has bacon and swiss on top of the large and fresh grilled chicken breast. They throw in a little mayo and BBQ sauce. It’s one club you’ll want to join. Ok. that was weak. Moving on.

Salads here are good and BIG so remember to ask for Extra Dressing. They very well might charge you for it. fifty cents bitch. CHAR CHICKEN is the way to go. I get mine with Blue Cheese but you don’t have to do everything I do. I mean this is flattering and all but c’mon.

They also have Fish and Chips here. Go ahead live dangerously. Ever wonder what Cod tastes like made at a burger joint twelve miles inland? Me neither.


Now, my favorite thing they do with food, here. HOMEMADE ZUCCHINI. The perfect amount of breading on the perfect slice of zucchini fried to a nice crispy texture. They do it right. Somehow these guys have figured out how to make breaded and fried zucchini that doesn’t scorch your mouth with its boiling zucchini juice or that doesn’t turn to mush. Other places do okay. Maybe you’ll read about them in another blog. But NO ONE compares to Astro. All fried in Cholesterol-Free Canola Oil. They give you a large portion. That’s the only size they come in. You get two sides of a very tasty ranch dressing, which is thick and creamy and great for dipping your stick in. Maybe that’s not the best way to put it. Either way, you’ll want to get your lips around it.

Onion Rings are also extremely good. And quite possibly the best I’ve had out here. And I’m talking about Rings here. Strings are a whole other category that Astro doesn’t compete in.

Of course they do fries, and they do them well. The menu notes the Chili is homemade, as are the Onion rings and as I mentioned, the zucchini, however their fries are not. Still good. Add Chili if you like. You know you want to. Go on. Do it. Don’t be shy.

Shakes are made with real ice cream but they make chocolate shakes by mixing in Syrup with Vanilla ice cream. It’s not bad but it misses the point, doesn’t it? It’s like when you use white bread when you’re out of burger buns. It’s typically a last resort.


Well, I’m not even going to bore you with the breakfast because, well, it’s your normal breakfast fare. It’s also pretty good. Breakfast Burritos, Denver Omelets, French Toast. You can’t really go wrong. The hard part is getting there before 11:00am.

This place rocks for the casual, fulfilling venture out. You might have even seen the fuss over it when Hillary Swank went there after her Oscar Win, with wife, Chad Lowe.

Million Dollar Burger

It’s got a great vibe, interesting people, and amazing food. It’s good day or late, late night and it’s done the way it’s supposed to be. Quality food, pretty quickly. You’ll spend about three or four bucks more than you would at the Chains but you’ll be happier you did. Try their Location on Melrose near Larchmont. Slightly different menu. But they’ve got a drive-thru.

And Stop your watches. If you are between:

0-20 seconds– YOU are a genius.

20-40 seconds — YOU are pretty smart.

40 – 60 seconds — YOU can spell most difficult words, but still get stuck on whether it’s separate or serperate.

1 – 1:20 minutes — YOU may have graduated college but you’re not fooling anybody.

1:20 – 1:40 minutes — YOU were probably home schooled and breast fed till you were twelve. It’s not your fault.

1:40 – 2:00 minutes — YOU were raised by farm animals after your only living relative left you for dead after throwing you out of the car window instead of the diaper.

2:00 and above – You probably hold some sort of political office and/or perhaps involved in some aspect of NASCAR.

Demand On Demand

I’ve begun to accept the fact that working in Television doesn’t actually allow you much time to enjoy watching television. And arguably, TiVo is probably the greatest invention to hit The TV Business since, well, the TV. And I know this because everyone that owns one tells me. And sometimes they let me watch stuff they’ve TiVo’d. It’s like someone giving you a ride in their porsche, then dropping you back off to your Camry. One day, I tell myself, it will be mine.

Till Then, Adelphia and On Demand, you’re my new best friend. I’m sure I’m behind the times on this new found wonder but this thing is the shit for the TiVo-deprived. I go to Menu. I hit “On Demand”. I choose my premium channels, which in my case is the HBO pack. And there they are. All the episodes of Curb your Enthusiasm. Extras. Rome. Sopranos. Six Feet Under. All the One Night Stands. They even have Sex and the city for all you closet-homosexual-Sarah-Jessica-Parker Fans. I mean, Matthew Broderick is cool and all but that chick is Fugly. Regardless, every show is there. All free. All at my fingertips. When I ever I say, with the touch of a button. Well, several touches of various buttons but you get what I mean.

You wanna learn the guitar, take the twelve lessons in the new ‘Mag Rack’. It’s part of a free program selection, chock full of Instructional videos and Excercise Routines. There’s a half a dozen video courses on Photography. Seven videos on Wedding Planning. (Single men, take note: This program can be password protected using your remote without your girlfriend knowing)

Ever wanted to take a Nutrition class, now you can. Always wished you’d had a drum lesson, well saddle up partner, fantasizing about attending that weekly Pilates class, well you’re probably gay. Afterwards you can rent a XXX version Adult Video just to prove to yourself that you’re not. You can do it all.

I still only have so much time to watch TV in a week but now it can be something I’ve been looking forward to instead of settling for another syndicated comedy. If I have to watch one more episode of Just Shoot Me, Just take a gun, point it at me and pull the trigger.

A picture’s worth…

So, this was on Fark–,,2-1353482,00.html

HP’s technology will enable celebrities to disable electronic cameras by sending an infared signal to nearby paparazzi’s ‘compatible’ cameras. Who’s funding this? Sean Penn? Doesn’t this new technology have advantages for criminals disabling security cameras too?

If you read the article to the end you’ll see HP is also working on a camera hidden in a broche or set of earrings that gets triggered by head movements. So, to sum up, Celebrities buy the disabling equipment to stop photographers they see holding cameras and the photographers go and buy the camera that the celebrities can’t see. Everybody wins. Well, everyone at HP.

The Art of Nature’s Call

Here is a link I posted to It contains the same information as below. Feel Free to pass this along. Calls for submissions are being posted to every Craigslist location as well as other sites.

Photographers! I have been compiling my book of Bathroom Graffiti Art and I’m looking for more submissions to add to the book before the upcoming deadline.

Send us your best photos of bathroom graffiti. High Resolution preferred. Please be sure to include all the geographical information. Name of place, City, State as well as your first and last name and contact information.

This could be a great way to get your photos published in a high quality large format ART book. If your submission is used you will be notified and given proper credit within the book as well as a copy.

Please send photos to:

“THE ART OF NATURE’S CALL: Inside the worlds’ stall walls”
Thank you for your time, interest and contributions.

Happy Hunting!


Please feel free to pass this along. I’m looking forward to everyone’s submissions.

Is Hula Jesus trying to tell me something?

Over the past couple of years, some of you may remember hearing me talk about my idea for a ‘Hula Jesus’ Dashboard Doll and other variations–the Hula Mary and Hula Moses. Well, in actually deciding to work on prototypes, I decided to do another search to see if the idea had been taken yet. I found a dashboard Jesus on a spring and a ‘Buddy Jesus’ (from Dogma) dashboard doll– that I was thinking of actually purchasing for Phil (or myself) as a stocking stuffer this Xmas, but there was no Hula Jesus for sale.

What I did find, however, was a blog titled “Have the shins changed your life?” on a website After seeing Garden State when it was in theaters. I got a copy of their first album and have listened to it an unhealthy number of times. And to answer his question, in a weird way, yes, the shins probably have changed my life. I guess. It’s possible. You’re wondering what this has to do with Hula Jesus. I know. Actually nothing. But my search for a “HULA JESUS” in google did lead me to this kid’s blog. Well, I read the appropriate entry and after he goes on about work (he’s an assistant in film) and his fondness of googling his name to see what the other people with the exact same name are up to.—which I have to admit I also do. There’s Mike Yurchuk, the video game designer, as well as the deceased high schooler-whose-family-started-a-scholarship fund-named-after-him Michael Yurchuk, and Mike the sales manager for a candadian based store fixture manufacturer and installer. as well as the Concordia University Alumni, class of 1959 graduate who incidentally, Concordia has lost touch with and is looking for anyone with his current information to invite him to this years forty fifth reunion. At least they can rest assured it’s not the Michael Yurchuk who died in May of 1963 in Maine because that one was 76 years old. So, Concordia Alum, there’s still a chance he’s alive and kicking. Sorry. Hula Jesus. Right.

After Eric mentions this similarity we have (which I’ve gotta beleive everyone has googled their own name) he starts to talk about getting an ipod and that it’s not nearly as cool as his Hula Jesus dashboard doll which he calls his invention. And that if anybody steals it to please send him some money via paypal.

I was like, wait a second. Do I know this guy? He’s in film. I’m in TV. we might have crossed paths. Was I drunk at a bar talking loudly about the Hula Jesus? OR did he actually just come up with the idea himself? I mean the hula girl and the jesus statue are popular dashboard items. I guess other people would have thought to meld the two together. OR maybe, Jesus himself is trying to get this idea off the ground, gently passing it along to people in the hopes they would get off their ass and invent this thing all ready. Maybe he was like, ok, i gave this idea to Mike two years ago, and he’s done shit with it. Let me try this kid Eric, he seems ambitious. Who knows?

All I know is that his blog was written just seven days ago. The first blog he ever wrote was on the 10/26/04. My first was two days before that. Coincidence. yeah. But still, kinda weird. It makes me think though that maybe this isn’t such a bad idea afterall. I mean this guy would probably buy one. Maybe there’s more of us out there. I’m going to finish my work on the prototype. Maybe we could do a whole line of Hula Jesus dolls and toys. Like Malibu Barbie but Jesus will surf and drive a woody, wearing an Array of Hawaiin Shirts. I mean I would think Jesus spends a fair amount of his vacation time there… I think that’s where the footprints thing happened…somewhere on the North Shore.

Also, it just makes me think about how ideas are in the air and you can choose to do something about them or not but your first instinct is probably a good one. It made me think of an interesting concept for a movie where a guy discovers that someone else is having exactly the same thoughts (possibly through a web log) and decides to try and meet up and all the weirdness that follows. Clearly not a well thought out treatment, but an interesting concept none the less. Well, if nothing else comes from all of this–Hula Jesus or my new film idea, at least it inspired me to write my second blog. And don’t worry, lack of popular demand will not affect the writing of my third web entry due out on a crack team website near you!

If you don’t know this by now…

If you’re a fan of possibly the best comedy to come out of Britain since Monty Python’s Flying Circus, then Check out the BBC AMERICA for the Christmas Special of “The OFFICE” which provides a much appreciated resolve to the critically acclaimed and widely embraced cast of characters.

The Two season series ended somewhat sadly with what most knew was realistically inevitable: Brent becomes redundant. Tragic – as it seems to end the show prematurely– though undoubtedly leaving everyone wanting more from the clearly overly-competent Ricky Gervais. Probably a smart career move for the writer/director/actor not to get stuck in a role that could potentially have gone on for years.

The Xmas special brings us up to date on what everyone’s been up to since the cameras stopped rolling on Wernham Hogg and shortly after the BBC has aired it’s ‘documentary’. We find it’s left Brent as a Z-List Celebrity though still making ends meet in Sales. One of the biggest highlights of the special is the sneak peak at Brent’s failed attempt at a Pop Career with his privately funded (the money from his redundancy package) music video, a version of “If you don’t know me by now” The video is rumored to be released as an actual single though Gervais denies this.

The 80 Minute Special delivers the same endearing punch of the series; keeping you writhing in Brent’s embarrassment and arrogance, hoping for Tim to finally win over the beautiful Dawn, and watching Garreth’s attempts at militaristic-Managerial-leadership be repeatedly undermined. The program provides just the ending a show of this comedic distinction deserved. Look for it on BBC America.

Till you see the special you might enjoy a remix of the Theme coupled with quotes from the show and memorable Brent-isms. It’s kind of ‘the streets meets the Office’. Check it out at Scroll down to the Office.