Decoding The Personals

Wherein we suffer through the personal ads so you don’t have to. The phrases are all from personal ads; the translations are mine. Feel free to add or amend.

Sensitive: Will cry at the drop of a hat.

Upbeat: Takes antidepressants.

Healthy: Herpes in remission.

Lonely: Needy.

Smart: Doesn’t use hairspray in pits, brush with KY Jelly.

Intelligent: Can and will misquote Shakespeare for all occasions.

Sleepless In…: Has seen too many Nora Ephron movies to be trusted.

Romantic: Spend lots, spend often, or else.

Enjoys Finer Things In Life: And you thought “Romantic” was expensive.

Spiritual: Will latch onto every New Age trend du jour; owns extensive self-help library. Has crystals collecting dust atop Celestine Prophecy in closet.

Sincere: Self-absorbed as hell, but coated in a veneer of “caring.” Makes eye contact, nods appreciatively. Big whoop.

Serious Replies Only: Marry me, or else. These are the people who, after a one-night stand, will tearfully exclaim, “But I thought we were going to get married!”

No Head Games, Please: (1,f) Hasn’t read The Rules. (2,m) At 36 or so, finally figured out that being a jerk wasn’t getting him anything but his underwear dumped on the front lawn.

Classy: Brassy. Spreads champagne on hot dog buns, wears furs with sneakers.

Sunny Disposition: Takes herbals instead of Prozac.

Mensch: Jewish version of SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy). Keeps kosher and puts the seat

Eclectic: Has amassed huge collection of crap calculated to impress you. Or just couldn’t spell “eccentric.”

Discreet: Extramarital affair wanted.

Mature: (1,m) Will buy tampons with a minimum of fuss. (2,f) Won’t clean toilet with your toothbrush after minor spats.

Daredevil: Does the damnedest things given just the right amount of alcohol.

Handsome: Preens for everything, including own reflection.

Hopeless Romantic: (1) Sap. (2) Thinks this date was important for some reason, will buy roses just in case.

Seeks Attractive…: Shallow.

Looks Unimportant: Sure. Neither is size.

Princess: Need we say more?

Adventurous: Does dumb things to look younger.

Old-Fashioned: Hates sex, listens to AM radio, thinks woman’s place is in the kitchen. Usually racist and/or homophobe.

Godly: Won’t sleep with you. Ever.

Slim/Trim/Thin: Insert eating disorder of choice. Weighs ten pounds, can’t be seen when standing sideways, but still asks, “Do I look fat in this?”

Sexy: Flirts shamelessly, especially when drunk. Wears tight, ill-fitting clothing appropriate to someone ten years (or more) younger.

Call-Or Else: And if you don’t, you’ll find your dismembered pets in baggies in your freezer.

Caring: (1) Martyr. (2) “But s/he loves me!” Relationship equivalent of a handyman. Finds people in varying states of disrepair, brings them home to “fix.” Shows them off to friends, who smile politely and wonder to themselves why their friend didn’t just hire a professional.

Harley Rider: Usually found in bowling alleys. Will gladly compare tattoos with you. Smokes like a chimney, can drink you under the table. And the men are even worse.

Seeking LTR: Still alone after having collected enough phone numbers to cover the men’s room at Port Authority (concourse level, by the George Segal sculpture); figures the game might be up.

Marriage-Minded: Lost last 29 significant others due to a pathological fear of commitment; afraid if they don’t find someone right now, they’ll die alone in their attic, surrounded only by cats.

Year-End Special: (varies; often seasonal) “Holy shit! It’s New Years’/Kwanzaa/Boxing Day/Yom Kippur, and I’m still single! And getting older!” Equal parts desperation and cry for help.

Young At Heart: Arrested development case, aged 55-75. Wears leather, has pony tail (but more hair in nose and ears than on head); uses outdated slang to appear “hip.”

Survivor: (1) Will gladly inform all and sundry how they’ve “triumphed” over anything and everyone who’s slighted them in the least since age two. Expects to be saluted for excessive navel gazing and reading of self-help books. Will tell you how hard they worked to get here ($4.75/line, 32 characters/line max., punctuation included). (2) Cubs fan.

Accomplished: Managed to get to their 40’s or so without a nervous breakdown, and anyway, it sounded better than “Survivor.”

Freaky: Maladjusted.

Muse Wanted: Looking for a sugar daddy.

Seeks Professional: Inbred yuppie social climber.

Exotic: Sounded better than “funny looking.” Often refers to self as “Mysterious.”

Mysterious: Deliberately obtuse.

Very Attractive: Then what are you doing in the personals?

2 thoughts on “Decoding The Personals”

  1. Pretty well spot on. The only differences I’ve encountered are those who call themselves slender/thin are often average, and those thin through eating disorders consider themselves average.

    The one you missed is “generous”. I imagine no man ever describes himself as such, but it’s the favorite of gold diggers to describe their ideal quarry. Along with “enjoys the finer things in life”, as you mentioned, and if they really know what they’re doing, “discreet”. Those are probably all over Ashley Madison.

  2. Educated: Managed to surprise HERSELF by graduating SOMETHING and will let you know it at all possible times especially if her level of education exceeds yours.

    Self Sufficient/Independent: Has a job, a car, and own apartment. Just needs you for bang bang.

    Animal lover: Your needs will always come second to “Precious”. Also, Precious will hate you and pee on your stuff, and you will be at fault for it.

    Descrete: Can’t spell discreet, so there’s little chance she is smart enough to BE discreet.

    Old fashioned (edit): and by kitchen, you mean; Will not get a real job. Also, takes physical abuse well – won’t call the cops on you.

    Likes sports: WARNING! All women are either obnoxious fans or hate sports completely. There is no middle ground here. Your FIRST question at this point is what sport and team. Sport’s seasons can be long and you don’t want to be stuck with a Giants fan during the holidays.

    New to this “online stuff”: Has humped everything at the bar with legs including the stools and is now looking for a new supply outlet.

    OK so ILU & TTYL LOL 😉 : Is either 14 or a cop. Approach the rear entrance first, dressed as a delivery guy. Chris Hansen has no strategy for this approach.

    Likes music/Loves to have fun: Too shallow to think of anything substantial to say. Also if it’s not obvious: likes to breathe, blink, owns a computer, has fingerprints and can walk erect.

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