Rants

Quite a title for this article, but it really makes sense.  Trust me.

I was listening to the soundtrack for the Broadway show “Wicked.”  It is based on the premise that the Wicked Witch of the West was really not evil, just a  misunderstood soul.   Wow.  They are taking one of the iconic evil figures from literature and giving her a second look, an alternate-universe history that makes her, well, nice¹.   And that’s not right.

Taking this alarming trend to its pinnacle, could it be far behind for Hitler to make a comeback?? 

(NOTE: the following are satirical comments.  Do not mistake them for reality; they are just an artifice to make a point.  That is how satire works.) 

After all, Hitler was really nice to his dogs. And he did put all of the German people back to work on that really cool roadway, the Autobahn.  Did I mention that he created the Volkswagen?? That picture of Hitler and his gang of killers parading around on a convertible Wolkswagen has got to be the coolest, most disturbing image of the war. ²Â  So except for the 6 million people he killed, Hitler was a really nice guy.  Really. 

(NOTE: the satire has now ended.  Back to reality.)

But we all know that the winners of a war write the history books, so they can adjust the facts to suit themselves.  There are many instances of Allied atrocities in WW2 that should have been tried as war crimes.  I am thinking of the conventional bombing of the German city of Dresden, or the firebombing of Japanese cities.  The latter killed a whole lot more people than the atomic bombings at Hiroshima and Nagasaki (better left for some other article).  But a lot of terrible things happen during a war; it’s just distasteful to try to justify them as being necessary for a greater good.  It’s so much more honest to say what is really inside: the enemy is inhuman and we’re  scared sh*tless; we need to kill as many of them as possible before the war ends.  Afterwards,  we have to go back to being human beings and play nice again.  Or whatever passes for “nice” between bellicose nations.

So back to the Wicked Witch of the West.  The play does a good job turning the Oz universe on its head.  As with many revisionist works, there are problems with it, since it changes a couple of  really key points that clash with the world that Frank L. Baum created.  Similar to those Star Wars prequels that cannot exist in the same universe as the original Star Wars movies.  But these are nits, and you can still enjoy the Wicked concept if you ignore them.  Just don’t expect me to change my worldview: The witch is still evil. (Don’t forget, she did try to kill Dorothy.  And her little dog, too.)

1. What is next?? Darth Vader used to be a nice guy that made some  wrong choices?? [↩]
2. Except for that other disturbing photo, showing thousands of his dead victims from the concentration camps. [↩]

Time to set the record straight:  whatever, whichever politician said that gas prices are not coming down was right.  Offshore drilling is a good idea, but it will not bring gas prices down.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m all for drilling for oil in our own backyards.  When I first moved out to California, I was enchanted by all of those oil derricks pumping, pumping away in the beautiful hills of Huntington Beach, down along the beach paths and even on the beach dunes themselves.  It made California look like the golden El Dorado that I had always imagined: golden roads lined with cool-looking cars and all of the oil we needed right under our feet.  And yes, I was also expecting bikini-clad girls to pump my gas and sell me my milk from those roadside milk stands (I saw pictures of this put out by the Orange County Chamber of Commerce).  I’m sure the girls and the pumping action of the derricks was some sort of Freudian juxtaposition that made me drive out to California all the faster.

So why don’t I support the drilling now?? Because once the oil is out of the ground, it is immediately put out on the international market where China can bid on it, along with every other gas-thirsty country that is finally making its way out of the Third World.  We would be competing with them for our own gas.  And make no mistake about it: it’s our gas.  It is coming out on nationally-owned areas (offshore or the ANWR in Alaska)  and the oil companies are getting a low-risk, fantastic return on investment.  If that is the case, they can afford to lose a little bit of profit by selling that gas DOMESTICALLY, ONLY.  Does that sound socialistic, the first hints of nationalized gas production?? You bet your sweet light-crude that it does!!  But if you’re going to drill in my backyard, and I own the land and mineral rights, you have better pay me off by at least selling me the oil at a domestically-competitive price.

But I’m also realistic.  Using oil to power our cars is a technological dead-end.  With all of the Chinese, Indian, Polish, Russian, etc. etc.  economies finally coming out of the Dark Ages and increasing the number of privately owned cars, we are going to be running out of oil soon (peak oil production).   So where’s my nuclear-powered car??  If all of those Disney documentaries in the 1950’s promised plenty of energy in the future, how come I have to use my bicycle to go to the library and to the store??

The anwer of course is that we can’t trust the average person to drive a quarter of critical mass around in their engines, waiting for some terrorist to figure out that (4) times (1/4)  equals (1).  Boom.   And I can hardly imagine the bad traffic created when the radioactive cleanup team cleans up the pieces from your average 4 accidents per freeway per day. 

We need to use nuclear power to generate the electricity to provide the hydrogen to run the cars.  Simple enough, please give me my new-model 2010 hydrogen-fueled SUV.  In Earth-Friendly Green,  of course.  And feel free to stick as many oil-sucking straws in the California Offshore until then. 

Well, it’s no secret that I was not a big fan of the movie “The Golden Compass” even before it came out.   I knew that it was derived from a book of the same name, which was part of a trilogy written by Philip Pullman, a self-described atheist.   There was also the fact that the series is known as His Dark Materials trilogy, and that there was a running thread in the books that was anti-religious.   I don’t have a problem with that, but I did have a problem with God being terminated by the series’ young protagonists in book 3.  Pretty intense stuff for a children’s series.

But there’s a couple of things that merit a revisit to this movie.  One is the fact that I was a big fan of “The Chronicles of Narnia”  which is a series that is an unabashedly pro-Christian allegory¹.  I did not want to favor one point of view without giving a chance to its opposite.  There was the fact that I don’t want to dismiss an entire series based on hearsay.  Finally, there’s the fact that Roger Ebert had given the movie 4 stars.   I had to check this movie out.

I recently had the opportunity to view the DVD of the movie recently, and I can see why Mr. Ebert admired its production values; they are exquisite.

The concepts were brilliantly illustrated on the screen, and as Roger writes “As a visual experience, it is superb.”

But I cannot recommend the movie.  As beautiful as it is to behold, it failed its first test when one of my kids asked me when the movie was going to be over.  This is the equivalent of the dreaded looking-at-your-watch syndrome while watching a movie at the theatre.  Now, I’ve been in movies that are slow moving and require extreme patience, so a measured pace has never bothered me.  My issues with the movie lie elsewhere.

Spoilers follow:

Read the rest of this entry »

1. see my previous article http://www.crackteam.org/2006/04/23/its-obvious-episode-1-narnia-for-dummies/ [↩]

So I am finally off the PS3 purchase roller coaster. It was a wild ride, taking me from GameStop to Amazon to GameStop to Circuit City. During this time, I became disappointed with Amazon, but pissed at GameStop. I will no longer be giving them my business.

Now, I am not without blame here. I’ll leave it to you to decide who is more at fault.
Read the rest of this entry »

As you might have read, I want a PS3 real bad. Well, I ordered one today, paying more than I wanted to. Here’s with how it happened:

• About a month ago I learn of the PS3 MGS4 bundle and verify it’s a good deal at $500. The guy at my local GameStop says the demand won’t be huge so I should have no problems picking one up when it comes out on 6/12. I didn’t detect any sarcasm.
• Shortly after this, I register with Amazon to notify me when they’ll be getting it. I really don’t want to get it from Amazon because of shipping and waiting, but I figure this couldn’t hurt.
• Amazon sends me an email yesterday stating that they’ll have limited quantities on 6/6 at 10am. Wow, I can get one early! I call up a few GameStops who unequivocally tell me they will not be getting any early, and hint that even if they did they wouldn’t sell it to me. Bastards. Clearly, they’ve bought them all and have them at home already.
• I get ready to buy from Amazon, setting up One Click to use standard shipping. I see there’s a notice on the product page that there will be limited quantities and great demand across the country, so it will sell out quickly. Huh. That’s not good. Still, I’m ready get buy it tomorrow and receive it 6/12 the latest.
• 9:30am. I’m online and ready to buy, refreshing every few minutes. Computer clock is synchronized with the government’s atomic clock. I see comments popping up in the review section and product forum. Somebody brags that he pre-ordered it from GameStop. Pre-order? What a fool! Doesn’t he know Amazon will have them on sale today?
• 10am. After a few more refreshes, the page changes. “You can preorder this item for $499 and get Super Saver shipping.” Preorder? You didn’t say preorder, you said order! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! HULK SMASH!!!
• 10:02am. I check GameStop. As the braggart noted, they have it for preorder, but it’s $560. Someone in the Amazon forum notes the free shipping gave him a ship date of 6/17. I don’t want it to take forever to get here, and I don’t want a markup. This sucks.
• 10:05am. On Amazon, I click preorder. “The item you have chosen is no longer available from that seller.” You’re that seller, asshole! Aaaagh! It’s sold out. From the forum posts, it looks like it took maybe 2 minutes.
• I check Circuit City, they don’t even have it listed. Time is running out and GS is my only option. I call up the local GS again: can I order it in store to avoid shipping charges (and ensure it isn’t stolen off my front steps)? No, online only. I bite the bullet.

So I went from paying $500 plus shipping and getting it before 6/12 to paying $630 and getting it on Friday the 13th. I thought GS was price gouging with the $60 difference, but it turns out they forced customers to also buy the MGS4 bluetooth headset. While I’ll soon need a bluetooth headset for the California hands-free law, I was not planning on getting one that looks like it belongs in some little kid’s playset:

While I would have gone with something from Jabra or Plantronics, this is made from some company I’ve never heard of. On the plus side, I’m all set to play Buck fucking Rogers with the neighborhood kids.

A while back I contacted Samsung to ask them a question about one of their widescreen LCD monitors. Specifically, I wanted to know if it had a 16:9 (AKA 1:1) mode; without it, signals from your cable box get stretched and/or cropped.

Three months later they send a reply that has nothing to do with my question. Some standard “check your drivers” bullshit. Clearly, the dumbass tech didn’t even bother to read my question. So I dropped it. But they didn’t.

They are now SPAMMING me! I actually got an unsolicited marketing email from them. Apparently my question gave them the right to put me on their spam list. So I marked it as such in Yahoo mail and hope others are doing the same.

Bastards.

I am currently renting a house that is for sale. The rent is dirt cheap and includes most utilities, so I can’t complain about that. But I think I may have stumbled across a shady realtor practice.

First, some background info. The owner won’t take less than $700K for the house, and most believe the market will not support that price¹. My hunch is that the selling agent agrees, although she has told the owner she fully believes the house will sell for that price.

Before getting the listing, she said she’d have an open house every other Saturday. After the papers were signed, she has held an open house every weekend.

It is important to note that there are two types of open houses. A broker open house is only open to real estate agents. They get to take a good survey of the house and decide whether it is right for their clients. This directly helps out the homeowner, because it increases the number of people selling his house.

Then there is the public open house. Here, every Tom, Dick, and Sally can come off the street, check out your house, and paw through your stuff while you’re trying to figure out what to do for the next 4 hours. This typically has little benefit for the seller, because most people walk into the house, look around, and then ask things like, “How many square feet is this?” or “What’s the price?” or “There aren’t any ethnic people in this neighborhood, are there?” Usually, the answer is not what the buyer wanted to hear. However, the showing agent can now get their contact information and what they’re looking for, adding them to their client list.

The house I’m in appears to be major client bait. It borders 3 streets, one of which is fairly busy. The agent has stated that they get a lot of visitors during public open houses. So many, in fact, that she’s decided to hold one every Saturday and Sunday, from now until the house sells. Oh yeah, she’s got a 6 month contract.

As a renter, this really sucks. In fact, I’d say it borders on harassment. I doubt she’d do this if the homeowner were living here, and if I moved out it would be a big win for her.

But as a homeowner, it doesn’t help, either. First, the selling agent isn’t running the open houses; it’s going to some random agent in the office. My network of Crack Team spies have confirmed that the agents do absolutely nothing to sell the house. Rather, they sit in the corner and collect names and phone numbers. I confirmed this lack of motivation again today. As I was scrambling to get things ready (I was given zero notice this time), I spoke with the showing agent. It became immediately apparent that she had no knowledge of the house or owner, nor did she care to. Clearly, she had no plans to sell the house.

If you find yourself in this situation, there are a few things you can do. Obviously, you can limit open houses. You can also get open house reports asking about the solid leads they’re generating. You can be lied to, sure, but this only works for so long. Then the agent looks like she can’t close since she loses so many solid leads. But most importantly, be realistic about your selling price. Maybe it’s time to call it quits.

1. For the curious, it is a townhouse less than a mile from the beach with extensive upgrades using only the very best materials. However, it is small, located on the entrance to the development, and those upgrades were inexpertly installed. Horrible craftsmanship. [↩]

So I want a Blu-Ray player, and the PS3 appeared to be the logical choice. After considering the setup and looking at the features, I’m not so sure.

The house where I’m staying has the TV (a 70″ Sony LCD rear projection) set into the wall. The A/V components are above it on a shelf also set into the wall; it’s a sort of cubby hole. There is a hole between the components and the TV where wires are fed. It’s the kind of setup that, when you have to modify the wiring, you start by staring at the system for five minutes, mutter “Fuck me,” and then try to find a way to not do that.

I thought I had accomplished that. There’s an existing DVD player, and it’s connected with component cables, so it thought I could just do a drop in replacement with the PS3.

Not so fast. The PS3 does not have direct component out. It has a proprietary analog A/V connection, which forces you to buy a special cable for $20. You can’t just use your existing cables and plug them right in. If you’re in my situation, or the cable is too short (which it might be since they don’t tell you how long it is!), you need a component video coupler. This is a set of 3 RCA female-to-female connectors, known amongst electrical engineers as a lesbian 3-way adapter. Luckily, it’s only $4 at Radio Shack. So I gotta shell out another $24 bucks I shouldn’t need to, but I can live with that.

What I can’t live with is the PS3 Blu-Ray remote. It’s Bluetooth, not infrared. Yes, this means you don’t need need to point it at the console - but who isn’t trained to do that anyway? I already shelled out $160 for a Universal Automator remote with macros, volume punch through, etc. The BR remote isn’t even back-lit. And there’s no one-touch power off, meaning that even if it did have infrared support, you couldn’t use macros to turn it off.

So as much as it pains me, I think I’m going to have to pass on the PS3 and go with a straight up BD player. Hopefully they have some that fully support BD-J. For me, that was the big selling point for the PS3. Of course, the games wouldn’t hurt, assuming it gets some good ones.

I’ve decided I’m against hit and runs. This epiphany came to me about 8:25AM. That also happens to be 5 minutes after my car was sideswiped by someone who did not stop to leave a note. The event may have influenced my opinion.

I didn’t hear a thing, but my roommate did. By the time he ran out there, the criminal was gone. I called the cops who came pretty quickly. Several neighbors came out to survey the damage and console me, but nobody witnessed the crime. After inspecting the damage closely, however, we came to a few conclusions.

There is no paint on my car - the damage was done by large tires, and a fair amount of rubber was transferred. It was clearly a big truck of some sort with tires that stick out. There was a street sweeper, but his truck didn’t match the pattern (the cop waved him over and checked). And yes, I’m an asshat and forgot about street sweeping day. I wasn’t supposed to be parked there. In my defense, I’ve only been in that neighborhood a month and there are no signs to warn you, as you don’t get ticketed if you forget.

There are two trucks in the neighborhood that match that description and must drive past my car to leave the development. One was parked in his driveway and a neighbor confirmed it was there all morning. Plus, the owner came out to see what was going on and talk with us.

The other truck is owned by someone named Robert¹. Robert is a neighborhood punk. Twice he’s tore up the grass in the park by doing donuts. Nothing was done about it, except the HOA put some big boulders around one area to keep him from driving on it again. The repairs came from everyone’s dues. When the cop asked if anyone knew him personally, one neighbor said his only contact with Robert was when he confronted him about driving drunk through the neighborhood with his friends. The cop thought that might suggest he’s the type of person to also hit a guy’s car and flee. Unfortunately, the criminal did not leave anything useful when he left, like maybe some white paint from his truck, or a side mirror. Only my side mirror was found, about 40′ from my car.

It’s worth noting that 30 minutes later, my roommate caught Robert returning to the scene of the crime. Robert spent a while surveying the damage done to my car, and then sped off when my roommate walked out. My guess is that he was thinking, “Wow, that looks just like I hit it with my truck. Time to buy new tires.”

So right now Robert is the prime suspect. If I can get evidence, the cop will arrest the guy, or try to intimidate him into confessing. Unfortunately, Robert has experience with vehicular crime and knows enough to park his car in his garage. If anyone has any suggestions for collecting evidence in this situation, please comment (or contact me - the form is at the bottom of this page).

1. His name has not been changed. [↩]

Boy do I hate Diablo Cody, the screenwriter.  But this is going to be a long-term project, for she does seem to have some talent.  It’s a backhanded compliment; just take it, as it is the best I can do.  And please notice that I recognize her as a screenwriter.

She had a great debut with the screenplay for the movie “Juno”  –a movie that I fully intended to dislike–  and the Hollywood community agreed by giving her the Oscar this year.  The movie was not too bad, a lot better than I expected, and I went in with totally negative expectations.  Her future output should be rather good and if the quality stays constant she’ll do great.

But I hate her new name, Diablo Cody.  It smacks of pretention; you could have done better, Diablo Cody. If you wanted to make a statement and have your work speak for you, I would have chosen a name like Jane Smith or better yet, Jane Doe Smith.  It would have been a hoot to see a Jane Smith walk up to the podium to accept the Oscar, dressed in the nouveau-goth attire and sporting that annoying, gigantic tattoo that screams “Notice Me !!”  That would have been ballsy.

But you took the easy way out and stayed in your post-stripper mentality, choosing a moniker that screams “Attitude entering the room”  I really resent your presenting the stripper world as the ninth level of Hell On Earth; if you’d come up through the world of coal-mining in Virginia I would have a little more sympathy.  As it is, you made your living through the habits of needy, creepy men (present company excepted)  that frequent strip bars.  Not really the noblest profession on earth.  So saying that you’ve paid your dues sounds rather hollow.

But I’m only one person and this is just my opinion.  After you produce a few more outstanding screenplays,  I will probably forgive you and forget this piece.  But you’ll always be Jane Smith in my heart.

This is awesome. I was visiting the web site for Mann’s Theatres, when I read these truly heartwarming words on their locations page:

Children under 5 will not be admitted to “PG-13″ OR “R” rated films

Bless their hearts. I can’t wait for other theatres (you listening, Cinemark?) to follow suit. And also, I’ve always preferred the British spelling of theatres.

If you are in your 40s, male, wear a fanny pack, and have a corded earpiece for your cell phone stuck in your ear while eating dinner, please consider the possibility that you are a massive tool, and regardless of how enthralled with your inane conversation the tardfest you are eating with is, the rest of us really don’t want to hear your opinions, factoids, or ponderings. Talk in a quiet, indoor voice, not the one intended for sporting events. As a bonus, it may make your flock seem more interested in your verbal diarrhea, as they lean in closer to hear what you are saying. Even better, the rest of us will only know you are an idiot by your attire.

The rollout of the Apple TV Appliance reminds me of a story I heard when I was a kid. It involved a man from ancient Segovia buying a donkey for his farm in Spain. He bought this highly adorned donkey for an exorbitant amount and was proudly walking it home. When he started taking off the embroidered tackle, he found the unpleasant truth: the beautiful epaulets and head-dress were hiding sightless eyes, the elaborate tassels that reached to the floor were hiding the infection in the rear legs, and the lacquered and shiny saddle was hiding a lame back on the animal.

In the same way, I hope people are not deceived by the beautiful Apple design and ergonomic, logical menus. I hope that they get to examine the crappy video image before they buy. This device succeeds in *downgrading* all image sources to make them easily available anywhere in your house. Wow.

If it’s too late and you’ve already been screwed, go ahead and use the amazing human ability to justify our mistakes. We are really good at this, gauging from the various studies that�show that our satisfaction with a crappy product decreases markedly at first and then actually increases after purchase. I think it’s our attempt to justify our mistakes and say to the world “it’s not really all that bad if you consider……” Same behavior applies to poorly conceived marriages. Be aware; beware. ��

Here in Los Angeles we have a time honored tradition called traffic. The traffic is almost always bad on certain roads regardless of the time of the day. I am convinced that some people in this city never actually go home, they just ride the freeways for no reason at all hours of the day�like people ride the subways in New York. I have learned to deal with�the traffic�and generally don’t complain about it anymore after commuting for about 4 years now. Most people just roll their eyes when you mention the word and there is a look of understanding between those who battle the craziness each day.

The United States as a whole has a time honored tradition called Rush Hour. The average individual understands that when you combine Rush Hour with the previously mentioned Traffic, it’s just a mess. As far as I know, Rush Hour happens in every city twice a day, 5+ days a week, 52 weeks a year.

So why the hell does some idiot at CalTrans decide that Rush Hour is a great time to try to street sweep the carpool lane on�one of the most congested freeways in the entire state!!??� I have a decent imagination but I can’t even begin to imagine the thought process involved in what is so�obviously a bad idea. It is almost as if someone went out of their way to be an asshat this morning.

I fear we are not that far from living in the movie Idiocracy.

Last year California joined the many other states who will require drivers to use a hands-free headset in order to use their cell phones while driving (CA will start in 2008). I have never understood what the big deal was and really have always considered the idea to be silly. I mean, if you are going to outlaw holding a cell phone to your ear then why wouldn’t you outlaw eating, drinking (non-alcoholic of course), putting on makeup, listening to the radio, talking to a passenger, etc? I consider myself to be an above average driver and my perfect driving record will back that up. Even in the days before I started using a headset to talk on the phone I was always extra attentive as I realized that talking on the phone could be a distraction. At some points I would even go so far as to drop my phone just so I could change lanes in traffic not really caring if it hurt the feelings of the individual on the other side of the conversation. Now, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my bluetooth wireless headset. My issue has always been that I am being forced to use it.

Yet studies consistently come out that show that people distracted by using cell phones are more likely to be involved in some type of an accident more frequently than from any other type of distraction. A recent study by the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute showed that cell phones were the leading cause (by far!) of incidents in the cars they monitored during the study. I should point out that I hold most studies as being suspect until I see a bunch of different ones conducted using different methods by different organizations that all come to the same conclusion. So at this point, having done little to no research (i’ve only heard of 2 studies and I know there are many many more) I just assumed that all the studies were done by people with vested interests in cell phone headsets. This is somewhat of an exxageration of how I feel about studies but it’s not far off.

That was until the other day during my daily hellish commute in the ever exciting traffic of LA. I was behind a car that was swerving erratically. Normally I would suspect a drunk driver but it was 8:00 in the morning so I assumed that wasn’t the cause. My normal M.O. is to get around someone like that as fast and as stealthily as I can, so I proceeded to get in the next lane and pass. What I saw as I glanced over put everything into perspective.

I realized that my problem has been the assumption that everyone else is like the typical Crack Team Agent. I saw a women talking on her phone by holding the phone to her ear. There goes 1 hand. This woman also appeared to be a hand talker who, while they talk, must wave at least one hand about wildly to illustrate whatever point they are trying to make. There goes a second hand. Now unless I miscounted somewhere, that doesn’t leave any hands for actually steering her car, which is what caused her to swerve all over the place. She would only bother correcting the course of her car when she felt she got too close to the lane markers. We were only going about 20 mph but still… crazy.

I saw this again this past weekend as I drove to the IMAX theater to watch “300″ for the second time. The woman in the car behind me was a hair talker, who had to twirl her hair around while she talked on the phone. Once again, unless we’ve started growing 3-armed people, she was 1 hand short of being able to steer her car and as a result was swerving behind me. At that point we were going about 40 so I was a little more worried about her hitting me or someone else. She was also a tailgater, either because she was distracted by the phone or just because she was an idiot, but the distinction is really meaningless. By the way, I think all people who drive so close to the car in front of them that they cant see the entire car all the way to the road (including the rear tires) are idiots.

Anyway, as far as the original topic goes, I now understand and support forcing the population to be safe when they can’t be bothered to save themselves. At least in this particular case since it seems to directly affect my ability to survive a seemingly harmless 25 mile commute.

Some time ago, a survey was conducted to show the poor state of science education among the American Public. They asked the man-on-the-street: If you were on the moon right now, would you be standing on the surface or floating above it??? A large percentage (I forget how many) said ‘floating’ as the answer.

I think most of our CT audience knows the real answer: there is gravity on the moon, so you’d be ’standing’ on the surface.

When the survey showed the man-on-the-streets pictures of the man-on-the-moon astronauts ’standing’ on the surface, a second question was asked: “How is this possible??” The public came up with the classic answer: They are wearing magnetic boots.

Which brings me back to the SuperBowl FedEx advertisement showing an office on the moon, with paper and supplies (and even a dog) floating around. When the scene moves outdoors, we see astronauts ’standing’ on the surface. Sorry folks, you can’t have it both ways. To add insult to injury, one of the astronauts then ‘jumps’ off the surface of the moon into space !!! You need a really low microgravity condition (such as is found on a relatively small asteroid) to do something like that .

I worry for the future of America. Or at least the future of the SuperBowl commercial.

In response to criticism (such as the documentary This Film Is Not Yet Rated) the Motion Picture Association of America and the National Association of Theater Owners are working to make their process more transparent. That’s good. They’re also going to offer a new warning to parents that some R-rated movies are unsuitable for children, even when accompanied by an adult. That’s utterly worthless, and the coward’s way out. See, the parents that bring children to movies loaded with violent and pornographic content aren’t clueless about the movie they’re about to see.

They’re just horrible parents.

I’m not talking about the parent that brings his 15 year old to The Last Kiss to find out there’s several sex scenes that the trailer didn’t even hint at. I’m talking about the mother who brings her 5 year olds to see The Cell. The parents who bring their pre-teens to Blade II. And the parents who complain because the theatre won’t let their 3 year old in for free to see The Exorcist! By the way, these are all real examples I’ve witnessed firsthand here in southern California. It happens all the time.

Roger Ebert has said about two films, “If this movie doesn’t get an NC-17 for violence, no movie ever will.” The films where Hannibal and The Passion of the Christ, and after seeing both I heartily agree. And yet they initially gave an NC-17 to Clerks for language! The MPAA just wants to soothe their aching conscience. These people live in the area of the country that I do, so they can’t be blind to their contributions to the delinquency of minors. I’m not for eschewing parental responsibility. But if we can do something, even a small gesture, to lessen the psychological damage these selfish parents will inflict on their children, shouldn’t we?

A very annoying and potentially frustrating thing happened to me at the US post office. I recently purchased a new canon digital camera and lens (which I am trying to finish the review on… so watch out for future posts) due to a huge rebate that Canon was offering. The rebate for each item was a great value but (thanks to intelligence sources outside The Crack Team) I found out that if you purchased two eligible items that canon would double your rebate. This brought my total rebate value to $700. Not an unimpressive number in my opinion and certainly worth something to someone. The way you actually claim your rebate is to clip out the UPC codes from the boxes the items came in and mail them to Canon. Enter the USPS and its bizarre definition of the word value.

Canon, or the company that Canon contracts to do its rebates, has been known to royally screw up the rebate process making things agonizing for their customers. Armed with this knowledge I wanted to do everything I could to ensure that I not only had proof that Canon received my letter containing the UPC codes but that should the USPS lose it that I would be insured and would still be able to claim my $700. When I asked to insure the letter they asked me what was inside. Assuming they just wanted to make sure that I was not mailing anything illegal or dangerous I told them that I was mailing 2 pieces of cardboard for a rebate. “We cant insure that” says the lady at the counter. When I asked why they couldn’t insure the letter she said “we can only insure things that have value”. Such a statement did not compute; at that point all my agent training was lost and I found myself dumbstruck and confused behind enemy lines.

To the casual observer I suppose that two poorly cut out pieces of cardboard with little black stripes and some numbers on them are, in fact, worthless. I mean, it did look like I plucked them from the garbage can on the way into the post office. However, if you give said pieces of cardboard to the right people they will give you back $700, so doesn’t this imply that they have a value of $700? I was under the assumption that things (like gold, cars, baseball cards, etc) only had value because someone else would give you something for them. Even silly things like beads are worthless to some people but there are other people who would sell you islands like Manhattan in exchange for them.

If the USPS loses my letter then I lose $700, which was the point of me asking for insurance. All they could offer me was to have the mail certified, which would prove that I mailed the letter but would not prove to Canon that it actually contained any UPC codes. I could also have sent it registered mail but that wasn’t really what I was looking for either. All I wanted was some way to know that should the USPS lose my mail that I would be able to somehow get my $700 if Canon decided not to believe that I ever owned the UPC symbols.

In my entire life I haven’t had a letter lost in the mail so I am not terribly worried about it. However, two days ago I could have said the same thing about a flat tire (I didn’t have the insurance on that either). Since the universe seems against me lately I thought insurance was warranted. I have copies of the UPC symbols so I hope that they are acceptable to Canon should my uninsured letter get lost in the mail. I think next time I will choose either FedEx or UPS.

The topic of the Pasadena Rose Parade is far afield from the fare on the CrackTeam (CT) website. But I think there are enough mitigating circumstances to include the Parade in our website this year: George Lucas is the Grand Marshall, Star Wars floats on the road, 501st Stormtrooper garrison marching, CT members working just a couple of blocks from the parade route, Pasadena JPL and its role in the birth of CT, etc. etc.

I have to address one of the cruelest moments in the parade. No, it was not the disgraceful sight of Darth Vader ambling down the street waving at the crowds. Embarrassing. The Lord of the Sith should have more comtempt for the crowds; perhaps he could have pelted them with LucasFilm (TM) merchandise and completed the spectacle.

No, the cruelest moment was the comment made by Bob Eubanks while the U.S. Marine Mounted Color Guard was parading for the cameras. He mentioned that the horses are periodically retired, much like “aging commentators on TV.” He was of course referring to the absence of Stephanie Edwards from the coverage this year. Stephanie is a victim of the ol’ double standard: guys age gracefully and look more distinguished, gals just age. She was probably also experiencing the Star Trek Maxim: a new series (TNG, DS9, Voyager, Enterprise) comes up every few years because the more established actors get paid lots more and expect the salaries to keep on going up every year with a successful series. Stephanie and Bob are probably very expensive to keep, and that’s the first place you cut (according to management).
But this is a prime example of management “not having a clue.”  In TV-Land you are supposed to extract as much viewer interest as you can, for the money you are spending. I would have done a couple of “Farewell” type broadcasts and engaged the audience in that way. Having Stephanie say her goodbyes last year in the pouring rain was just NOT the way to do it. And the bad blood between KTLA and the viewers is not a good thing.

But perhaps Bob was referring to the fact that his option is coming due soon, and that perhaps he would also be let go. That would be a shame. He and Stephanie were a fixture on New Years Day morning and should be accorded some respect. But I’m sure he’ll get the Fond Farewell option (accompanying harp strings and wavering video effects, please).

One final note to KTLA management: if you want to bring the viewers in, please feel free to manipulate us. A “Final Farewell” broadcast with the old commentators would be a ratings hit. And I’d be the first dupe watching. For now, I recommend the ABC local broadcast feed; it’s the best HD feed after the KTLA offering.

So….

Anyone else want to rip their hair out trying to get those camera angles just right? I don’t remember this being such an issue with the first one.

Aside from that, GREAT GAME if you got the computer muscle to back it up. I had to add ANOTHER fan (5 total) to my case because it was sweating so bad. I’m not even sure why. The game is nice, but it doesn’t look better than Oblivion.

Hey Atari! Give us a camera upgrade! One that stays DIRECTLY behind the player would be nice.

I wish we all had this kind of an outlet for our opinions.

August 2013 = White history month!

http://www.casadice.com/signs/index.htm

So here’s the deal.

My wife works as a technician at a veterinary hospital.

It is owned by a couple.

A couple of guys.

They are married.

To each other.

They ONLY hire gay doctors as apart of their staff. (OK actually there is ONE straight guy in the staff, but I bet he wasn’t hired for his ABILITY!)

SO… Read the rest of this entry »

I work for a large aerospace company. To preserve anonymity, I’ll just refer to it as The Boring Company, or Boring for short. Last week I got some training approved, the first time in 7 years. Corporate policy requires that all travel expenses be put on a corporate credit card. This card is in the employee’s name, and they are responsible for it. They are required to use it for company expenses, and are forbidden from using it for personal reasons. This shifts the financial responsibility to the employee. Now I’ll be the first to admit that for training you asked for, it’s a small price to pay. But that also includes any travel your boss forces on you.
     As a side note, my previous employer had an awesome travel policy. First, they took care of airfare (fully refundable tickets you could change at any time), car rental, and lodging. For other expenses, you got a per diem. Sometimes people at Boring use the term per diem to mean a maximum daily amount you can spend on meals; you don’t need receipts, but people who have spent the max have gotten yelled at for “acting like they’re on vacation.” * That ain’t no per diem. A true per diem is a daily amount you receive before your trip, in the form of a giant envelope full of cash. If you don’t spend it, you keep it! For a 10-day trip to Alaska in 1997, I was given $400. I had heard of guys using that to buy PB&J and a loaf of Wonder Bread, and pocketing the remaining $390. Seems kinda cheap to me, but a nice option if you’re a friggin’ hermit.
     Anyway, I signed up for the training class using the credit card, and right before class they told me the card was denied. Now, the training company was trying to save money by running credit cards themselves, instead of paying a fee to have automatic authorization by the company that ran the registration website. Since they waited so long to run the card, they let me take the training and work out payment later.
     I call up the credit card company (GE), and the automated message tells me the card is active, and I have a zero balance and a high limit. Ok, I must’ve typed in the info wrong. Nope, still doesn’t work. After 20 minutes going through phone menus and holding, a customer service rep asks, “Did you know that Boring changed their credit card provider a year ago? The account is suspended.” Then why didn’t their automated message tell me that??? They seem to be acting like a jilted lover, not wanting to throw away the love letters and photos, on the off chance their ex comes to his senses and take them back. They haven’t told their parents yet, I guess.
     Since my card wasn’t active during the switch, (remember, my employer does not like to keep me well trained), I never got a new one. So I’m still waiting for a new card, and the training company is still waiting for their money. I guess I should count my blessings: my friend had to charge something on his personal card, and Boring took 10 months to reimburse him.

* That may be just my group; I’ve talked with guys in other groups who ate filet mignon at Chart House every night on travel. If you’ve never been, I highly recommend it.

I wish I could say that I am stunned that I haven?t heard anyone else calling the latest attack on muslims, specifically Arab muslims what it really is, racism. I am not talking about your standard run of the mill racial slurs, but rather the entire country getting their panties in a bunch about the possibility of a company based in the United Arab Emirates running some of our ports. Sure, this seems a little bit odd to me (is Halliburton too busy to take this contract?), but the blanket statements being made about ALL arabic muslims not being trustable are really quite stunning to me. I didn?t know we were allowed to distrust entire groups of people these days, but I guess I am not as progressive as I thought.

I doubt I will get away with making similar comments about all those Jews in Israel, or all those japs in Japan, and I still hold a grudge over what they did to pearl harbor (not the bombing, but the craphole they have turned Waikiki into). Seems like a holocaust or being nuked puts you off limits for some time period, I just can?t seem to find a copy of that memo. I think we are not even allowed to make fun of Germans anymore about that little mess they made of the first half of the 20th century. Our current allies though in the UAE are fair game. If the rest of us in the grand USA got blamed for every stupid move some jackass American makes overseas, it would probably piss us off?.. wait, that is kinda how it works, but I thought we were special.

Don?t get me wrong, I don?t really like muslims. Yep, I came out and said it, mostly to part of the ?in crowd?. The reality though is that I don?t like most people. I have yet to meet any group of people, be it an ethnic group, religious group, or even a bunch of idiots who happen to all live in the same country who really impressed me all that much (with the exception of exotic dancers, cuz someone has to stand up for them). I guess I am saying that I don?t really like humans as a whole, but until recently, I thought that it was not ok to pick on anyone for being a member of a specific group. I guess I was wrong. arab muslims are fair game. I am not calling for another crusade just yet, but I will say that I don?t trust them and that they should not be allowed freedom or business opportunities in our country. They should not be allowed to fly airliners in our skies or captain ships coming into our territorial waters. They should not be allowed to drive cars in school zones, cuz you never know when they may just decide to run little Timmy over as he is walking home, as part of some jihad (or maybe the little bastard was wearing a shirt with that stupid mohammad cartoon on it).

Most importantly though, muslims should not be allowed to provide security in our ports. I guess while I am at it, we should also make sure that there are no hispanics working to secure our borders, africans to be in our police forces, or red-headed firemen (come on, you know you were thinking it). Really, this should just be part of a bigger policy to not allow ANYONE to provide security of any sort in America unless they are white guys with no clear ethnic lineage (like I want to give a german a machine gun)!

Seriously though, next time some jackass makes a statement about how we can?t trust any arabic muslims, just replace those words with your favorite group and their stereotype crime against the world. See how it sounds when some idiot on the news says ?it is just stupid to trust the scandinavians to run those cruise ships after what the Vikings did to Europe?!

And yes, I know that most of those ethnic and national groupings are supposed to be capitalized, but how can I learn to hate someone if I use proper grammar in my rants about them? Kind of shows respect that I want to avoid for fear of being a sympathizer.

I know that not everybody (meaning practically nobody) comparison shops to the extent that I do. Therefore you might go into Staples or Office Depot and think that USB cables normally cost $25-35. This is at least a 100% markup. They are assuming you don’t know any better, or are buying it with a larger ticket item like a printer, and in contrast it seems less expensive. And you’re too lazy to buy it elsewhere. On top of that, I see they’re trying to carry only top of the line, gold plated cables (which might have a .000003% performance gain), so you don’t have any choices. At Staples, they go a step further and gouge you for their store brand! You’re not even getting a name brand like Belkin.

Just so you know, using pricegrabber.com you can find a longer cable for less than 1/2 the price. I just purchased a 16′ Belkin USB 2.0 cable for under $10 shipped at databazaar.com. This is 60% longer and over 65% cheaper than Office Depot and Staples. And I earned AAdvantage miles from databazaar.com in the process. Yes, I have to wait a few days for my cable, but I probably could have shipped it next day air and still have saved money.

I am evaluating music sequencers to use with my new E-MU Xboard 49. It came with Ableton Live Lite 4 and Proteus X LE, and my sound card (Soundblaster Audigy 2 ZS Platinum) came with Cubasis VST (Cubase lite) and FL Studio 4 Creative Edition. Not one full version in the bunch. I can respect that, but the way some versions were created is very frustrating.
     Kudos to Steinberg and Proteus. From my limited usage, they seem to be true, self-contained lite editions of other products. Ableton and FL, however, did a half-assed hack job. First off, Ableton hasn’t created a Lite version of Live 5, which shipped last fall. So it’s basically Live 4 with Operator (optional software synth) running in demo mode, with an option to hide the features not in the Lite version. If you could fully hide them, that’d be great, but I keep getting messages that read, “You are trying to access a hidden feature, you need to switch to demo mode”. Hidden feature? It’s right on the menu, jackass! Sometimes I get them from trying to drag and drop things. I should never see those messages, it should just not allow the operation, or show that you can do it. Also, you can’t save or export in demo mode, making it pretty worthless to me. Couldn’t they just remove the export functions, so you could save work but not render it to an audio (MP3, WAV, etc) file? Then every time you came up with a cool song or loop, you’d have more incentive to upgrade. It has built in tutorials and a hefty manual, but neither were pared down to match the Lite version. The manual has links that read, “See the feature chart to find out if your version even has this feature.” Of course, the feature chart hasn’t been created yet. I spent a lot less time with FL Studio, because I was getting those same “This version can’t do that” messages. My patience was used up with Live.
     This is a shame, because Live seems like a cool product. And after all that bitching and moaning, I can’t find a better product for the money. Owning the Lite version allows me to upgrade to Live 5 for $200. I’ve also looked at Reason 3 ($200 academic price), Sonar 5 Producer ($420 street) and Cubase SX3 ($400 academic price). Reason is the only one that comes close price-wise, but it can’t do audio recording, which I need for recording my dulcet tones. I may pick up Reason later, as it’s considered an excellent companion to Live, which is lacking in the instrument department. I’ll let you know how it goes in an upcoming article.

Tonight I had a horrible experience at Arclight Cinemas in Hollywood. A couple weeks ago I purchased 4 tickets to The 40 Year Old Virgin, to be followed by a Q&A with writer/director Judd Apatow (of Freeks & Geeks and Undeclared fame). My confirmation email very clearly states that all I need to do is bring the credit card I used to a box office agent to pick up my tickets. I go to customer service, and they can’t find any reservation connected to my credit card! I only use one card, no exceptions. Nothing connected to my name or phone number, either. Nothing they can do about it, and the show is sold out. Yeah, sold out with 4 empty seats! Bastards! And this is after sitting in traffic for 1.5 hours. I am sure they will not deal with this in any satisfactory way, and try to say it wasn’t their fault, or say, “Oops, sorry about that! Now please hang up, asshole.” I have found their web site to be a flakey piece of shit in the past, but I DEFINITELY got a confirmation this time. I fully admit I should have printed it out as insurance, but it also stated I had no need to do so (and I’ve had no problems in the past). Apologies again to Agents Hulagun and Doubledeuce, whose nights were also ruined.

Not too long ago, I saw a girl on Santa Monica’s 3rd St. Promenade wearing the shirt from a Boy Scout uniform. It was at least a size too small, and appeared to be missing the first few buttons. Here’s the shocker: it was sexy! I know, I know. You’re thinking, “Take a cute girl and put her in an ill-fitting man’s shirt? Eww. Yuck. No thanks.” But as counterintuitive as it seems, it looked great. You’re just going to have to trust me on this one.
     Then it hit me. Did all us Boy Scouts look that irresistible in our tan shirts? As irresistible as that poor girl on the Promenade who couldn’t even afford a bra to go with her thrift-store shirt? I bet we did! And that’s why you’ve had all those problems with camp counselors wanting to play “pitch the tent”, “log roll”, and the ever-popular “Buggery: The Board Game”. It wasn’t their fault, it was those damn shirts. They should be putting Boy Scouts in those brown shirts the Girl Scouts wear; you never hear about problems in their camps. For some reason, though, brown shirts have gotten a bad rap. But I bet if you really looked into it, you’d find there’s no historical basis for it - just simple intolerance!

Anyone? I don?t know about you but I haven?t and I’m getting worried. I?ve been getting these in the mail for years now. I mean I applaud their efforts. I do. It doesn?t do any wonders for lifting the spirits, however. Open the mailbox.

?Great more bills. Oh, and people are missing. Just wonderful. I can’t afford another credit card bill and a child has been kidnapped. Hooray.

I feel helpless. Does anyone carry this thing around in their pocket, making a conscious effort to find them?

?I know it says they went missing in Colorado but my gut tells me they?ve gone south west to a warmer climate. They?re probably on foot.?

Perhaps I?m getting these flyers as a sign that I should be doing more to help. I can make a difference. We all can. I think we should distribute these to all the homes! Not just mine. Tell the world. And we?ll all carry these around, notice in hand, comparing them to women at bus stops and children in candy stores. You know, really commit to the case.

Wouldn?t it be fun to shake down one of the guys down at the docks? Slip him a twenty for some info or maybe just rough him up a little till he spills the beans. Those dock workers always have the inside scoop.

That sounds dangerous though. Maybe we should just use some of our tax money to form a department that essentially polices the areas we live in. Then we could notify that department of all missing persons. Just a thought.

I?m all for doing my part for finding missing children. I just feel that I can only cover so much ground on my own. We need more people dedicated to the cause.

Perhaps the recruitment problem lies in the coupon on the back.

Unless you?re ordering prescription drugs from the Canadian Pharmacy chances are this one?s not a ?keeper?. And if you are ordering prescription drugs, you?re probably old and less likely to be alert and on the lookout for runaways and missing children. If you’re getting those drugs from the Canadian pharmacy, you’re also probably less patriotic and don’t care about the problems in America. That?s just science.

Like I said, I do care and that’s why I don’t want to hear about it. They might as well hand me a piece of paper that says ?RECYCLE THIS?. Whatever happened to the side of a milk carton? I guess depressing people doesn?t do a body good.

?Mommy, why is that kid missing??
?Cause he didn?t finish his cereal. Now shut up and eat.?

Yes, we all know that the Free Market (ie: Capitalism) works. Most of us are old enough to have seen the Berlin Wall being torn down in the mid-80s as Communism took a deathly blow. And some of us may even have been old enough to see the Wall being put up by Nikita Khrushchev after the Cold War confrontations of the dangerous and turbulent 50’s. Yes, there was more to the 50’s than sock-hops and drive-in burger joints, although that is what comes to mind when I hear that decade mentioned. The Free Market gave us those, too.

The Free Market is both the problem and the answer. Any opportune and open niche is available for any individual, honest or dishonest, to fill. And to make a fortune doing so; that is how the Market works. We have to keep score on success and failure somehow, and money is a nice way to do so. It can be counted, after all.

Which brings me back to my original thought: why do I have to pay through the nose everytime I have to buy a new ink cartridge for my printer? It seems that before I have a chance to print my dissertation on the true Secret of the Universe on crisp white paper and using crisp black inkjet lettering, my family has used up all of the ink in the cartridge to print out the latest reams and reams of useless Internet information. Information that could be looked up at any time, mind you. It must be that paper gives the information a sense of permanence, at least until we toss the paper into the recycler. What is not in permanent evidence, however, are the rolls of bills that leave my wallet in ever-increasing numbers, as I pay for more and more ink cartridges to keep my printer functioning.

The Free Market gave us inkjet printing. Someone spent some capital dough in researching the technology and making it available to us consumers. And I for one don’t mind paying for the research that went into making it possible to get great printing on my desktop, in crisp black and white or in vibrant colors. But even I have a limit, and paying 29.00 for an ink cartridge is too much. It’s like those tolls in the New York bridges: they were initially there to recoup the cost of the structure, but they have been kept around as a revenue source long after the initial debt was repaid. I think we’ve paid enough for the cost of the technology (deep, deep down in the bottom of my heart, I feel this is true); corporations are now just squeezing us for profit (I also have proof of this; it is lying in some never-read pile of Internet printouts in a recycle bin).

Corporations also try to hook us into the inkjet habit early. They provide free printers to us at the drop of a hat; one free printer for a purchase of a computer, a free printer for the purchase of a hard-drive, a free printer with the purchase of a free printer (eg: customer must pay sales tax on this free offer!). Each free printer comes with a handy set of black and color ink cartridges which will give us a great printing experience. At least until the ink runs out. It’s like a dealer hooking you to heroin or cocaine with free samples. Both operate with the same amount of disregard for the junkie, the consumer.

I have tried refilling my ink cartridges, and that worked great for awhile. It was a cheap alternative if you did not mind the mess of working with ink and getting your finger stained a bit. The Free Market had provided an alternative for the consumer, and made someone rich by selling cartridge refilling kits. But then the ink cartridge manufacturers started placing circuit board chips on the cartridge to interact with the printer and stop printing at some “optimal” time before the ink ran out; this prevented users from refilling their cartridges. The text I read in the printer manual said that this was to provide a “quality printing experience” to the consumer. I guess prison rape could semanthically be called an “optimal bonding experience” in the same manner.

But the final laugh belongs to us, the consumers. Free Market incentives encouraged someone to create a chip-resetter for your ink cartridge, so that you can re-program your chip and continue to refill your cartridges. I have made use of this device and have been able to refill my cartridges easily and without much of a mess. The cost to me: about 2.00 per refill.

The Free Market offers financial rewards to those willing to do the research and also to those who are willing to stand up for their rights.

As he tapped his fingers on his desk, Future-Man struggled to figure out how to convince his latest nemisis “50’s-Guy”, that the next millenium has much more to offer than the previous one. He wanted to bring them something. Show them something amazing. His eyes unintentionally focused onto his cell-phone, and there he found his answer…

Trip log 279 - Mail/Womens-rights - 10/7/1952

KRRZZOO!
Walking into the 1950’s, Future-Man rubbed his temples before reaching for his cell phone.
It was not there. At least not in the same way it was before. From his pocket, Future-Man pulled a bundle of parts that resembled a cell-phone, but in reality was just a mess of junk.
“Damn. It wouldn’t let me take it. But why is my watch not destroyed?”
Staring at his analog watch, Future-Man came to realize that the portal doesn’t allow artifacts of newer technology to cross into older time fields. Either the portal, or the laws of time itself, prevent it. The only exception being his return-beacon which looks surpisingly plain anyway.
“My cell-phone better find itself in working order when I return!” Future-Man grunted, although he wasn’t really sure where to direct the threat. He could only hope that the process would reverse itself.
The phone cost him 250 dollars, after all.

Future-Man was standing next to a fence near 50’s-Guy’s house. From around the corner, he could hear a conversation. Happily, he decided to introduce himself.
That didn’t happen.
As he turned the corner, Future-Man saw a greater challange than he had expected.
It was 50s-Gal.
The first time Future-Man was introduced to 50s-Guy’s wife, he found himself sorely outmatched in wit. He drew in a deep breath and tried to cover up his shock at the mere sight of this woman. It takes a few days to recharge the portal, so any thoughts of cancelling the trip were quickly erased, and besides, Future-Man felt he was better prepared this time. He knew not to underestimate this woman, and with that, he started toward her.

50’s-Gal was talking to her mailman when Future-Man approached. The mailman offered a quick smile and a nod before continuing on his route, carrying a sack labeled U.S. POSTAL on his back.
50’s-Gal turned to face Future-Man. “How ya doin’? Back already? I heard you were just here a few days ago.”
“Yeah, I was here when your husband was working on his car. Is he around”? Future-Man asked, hoping for an escape.
“You came a bit early. He’ll be home from work in about an hour.”
Future-Man knew he didn’t have time to wait. This was it. He had to think of something. He thought of the mailman as he continued delivering mail down the street.
“So the mail is delivered by hand in your time?” said Future-Man.
“Well, sometimes a truck will come around, but mostly the mail is delivered by a man with a cart or a bag. They are always on time and friendly about it too.” 50’s-Gal explained, growing curious about the future’s mail system. “Let me guess.” she continued “The mail of the future is delivered instantly right onto your breakfast table every morning, right?”
HA! Future-Man laughed to himself, but tried hard not to look smug.
“As a matter of fact, we have something called E-mail. Letters that are transmitted instantly to a monitor. It’s like a TV, but for getting your mail.”
“That sounds nice, but what about bills, Birthday cards, and packages?”
Future-Man knew what she was getting at. She did this to him the last time they talked. She would pick apart his information in search of flaws.
Not this time, he swore.
“Some bills can be paid using that same tv device, but for actual packages, cards and solid stuff, we still have the same mail service you do. With many alternatives too! UPS, DHL, Federal Express,… there are many other companies who can do the job, just as well.”
Future-Man stared hard at 50’s-Gal wondering if she was even listening.
Shuffling through her mail, she finally looked up and said “There’s talk that one day the cost of sending a letter may reach a nickel. Does this ever happen?”
Future-Man wanted to laugh, but for fear of giving too much away, he held back. “The cost of sending a standard letter costs quite a few nickels, actually. The price is raised a little at at time, so we hardly notice.”
50’s-Gal was quick to question this. “So with every increase in price, do you see an increase in service? I can’t imagine it getting any better than it is now.”
Future man knew he was in trouble. As he watched the mailman stroll from house to house, his thoughts shifted to his own mailman. Or mailperson. He hardy could tell from his house because all the mailboxes on his block were on the far side of the street. This made it easier for the mailtruck to make it’s stops without having to turn around.
By now, Future_Guy was visibly upset. He was paying so much more for the mail service, only to cross the street, in the cold, or the rain, just to get his mail.
50’s-Gal had forced him on the defensive and they both knew it.
It was time to change the subject. Maybe assault her directly, although not so obviously, of coarse. Must always keep the conversation pleasant in case he ever wanted to come back and talk some more.
Future-Man looked her in the face. She looked a wreck, truth be told. No make-up. Hair in curlers. Even her choice of clothes… it was time to attack.
“So… enough mail-talk. How have you been? Working much?”
It was a subtle move, knowing that career women in the 1950’s were few and far between. The women’s movement hadn’t made demands of equal employment, yet… and that’s where Future-Man felt he had an advantage.
“I’ll say. If I don’t get the house cleaned and dinner started before the kids get home… forget it. My day is shot.”
Future-Man expected that answer, or one like it.
He had to make her take the bait. Try a new lure…
“Ever wanted to make some money for yourself?”
“Naa, I’m not much for nursing. The blood and stuff. You understand. And typing behind a desk all day, you can forget that.”
Future-Man knew he had her now. Trapped in her own ideals about what a woman is supposed to do for a paycheck. “In my time, women can become employed in just about any career they chose. Many big companies are owned and controlled by a woman!”
Take it, Future-Man thought. Bite the hook. I’ve got you now…
“What makes you think I’d be so thrilled to jump into the man’s world anyway? At home, I can take a break whenever I want. Watch TV. Invite a friend over for morning coffee. These are things you have to wait for the weekend to do. Am I right?”
What the hell? How did she turn this around so quickly? Recover. Recover. You’re OK.
He tried a different approach.
“Look, don’t you want to be self sufficient? Independant? The choice to become a full fledged member of America’s corporate union. Or government! Did I mention that? You can run for office! There are many…”
50’s-Gal interrupted. “Do women have to do this? I mean, are there any housewives in the future, or how about househusbands?”
That made Future-Man laugh. He honestly couldn’t think of a single couple where the man doesn’t work. Or even the woman for that matter. Except for a few business owners or rich doctors. Maybe their wives or husbands can stay home.
“No, I can’t think of any househusbands, and few housewifes.”
Future-Man wasn’t sure where to take this topic now.
Damn, he wished that cell-phone still worked.
50’s-Gal, on the other hand, wasn’t through yet. “It sounds like we’ve damned ourselves by forcing women into the job hunt. By just that one move, you have doubled the competition in the workforce. Which probably hurt the standard average income. Am I right?”
Future-Man shook his head. “No no, I make way more than the average man from your time. I actually make pretty good money for a man living in my own time.”
“That’s not the point. My question is: In the future, can one average man’s income, maintain a house, a car, two children in school and a stay-at-home wife?”
Future-Man threw his arms up in the air. “No alright! No it can’t. But there are other factors. The cost of living for example. Prices go up…”
“Like the mail?” 50’s-Gal smiled and crossed her arms.
Future-Man almost told her to shut up right then and there, but 50’s-Gal still wasn’t done yet.
“So either by force or by necessity, women are in the workforce and you think this is such a great achievement?”
Future-Man didn’t wait for his return-beacon to beep and tell him it was time to go. He started towards the corner and paused for just a moment before walking through the portal.
“Fine, you just sit around and watch TV or whatever, but get used to the idea of working outside the house because it’s coming. Equal rights, baby. Pay your own way, and you can forget about us holding doors open for you!”
KRRRPLOOOEEE

Future-Man leaned back against the wall of his home and thought himself an ass for the comments he made before returning. Although he felt a little better when thinking that in all likelyhood, that woman has died of old age, by now. Hell, he needed something to feel like he had some sort of a victory back there.
Come now, he thought, it wasn’t a total loss was it?
He relaxed and let his hands fall into his pockets.
And felt around.
His cell-phone was still broken.

Oh man, oh man. Did someone make a BIG mistake or what? Huh? Somehow I mistakingly got copied onto an email inviting me to participate in an exchange of knowledge. Opinions? Ideas? You actually WANT this from me? Let’s just call this a “probationary period” that way you can change your mind later, without hurting my feelings.
My posts will no doubt fill one of two categories:
1) The Old-Man whining about how things were better in the previous generations.
and
2) The humiliating stories from my life that I am only now mature enough to share.

First up.

ZBalance Rant #1

The year is 2005.

A man, let’s call him Future-Man, finds himself in the possession of a time portal. With this device, he travels the folds of decades back to the 1900s and shows off all that the ‘future’ will hold. Unfortunately, his trips don’t lead to the self-glorification he had hoped…

Trip log 278 - Automobiles - 10/2/1952
KRRRRZAP! Future-man walked through the portal and shook off the expected headache that usually accompanies him when taking the journey. As his eyes adjust, he spots a man polishing his hot rod. Future-Man recognized him as ’50’s-Guy’ and his last few attempts to impress him didn’t go quite as planned.
50’s-Guy, not at all surprised by Future-Man’s sudden appearance, said “How’s it going?”
“Pretty good.” Future-Man replied. “I thought I’d share with you some more of the future’s glory.”
“Glory?” 50’s-Guy threw in, “You want to talk glory huh? Check out my 1933 Buick! Thats a V-8 your lookin’ at right there.”
Future-Man had to admit, the polished and completely exposed engine sure wasn’t something he was used to seeing outside of the NHRA circuit.
Future-Man scoffed, “This thing’s legal?”
50’s-Guy raised a brow, “I didn’t steal it if that’s what yer gettin’ at.”
“No! No!” Future-Man was quick to point out, “I meant, is it street-legal? You know… inspectible!”
Sir, your welcome to inspect this beauty all you like. She’s as much for looking-at as she is for drivin’.” 50’s-Guy then leaned against the back tire.
Future-Man explained while pacing, “In the future, the state government sets standards that all vehicles must pass in order to drive on a public street. Environmental and safety concerns are all taken into account before a you are allowed to operate the vehicle off your property.”
50’s-Guy crossed his arms, “Look here. My hard earned money, not to mention sweat, went into this beauty. I’m not for lettin’ some suit tell me I can’t drive it.”
Future-Man sighed as he looked at the car. The sidewall exhaust pipes had no mufflers (or catalytic converters) of any kind. The oversized back tires made the front tires look like bike wheels. He’d have an easier time pointing out what would pass inspection on this beast. Though, he had to admit, it would be fun to drive.
50’s-Guy noticed that he may have hurt Future-Man’s feelings, “Well hey, I’m sure those regulations of yours don’t bother you guys as much. You got the new millenium! Flying cars and moving sidewalks, to get you where you want, right?”
Future-Man clenched his teeth before relaxing just a bit when a thought came to him. Hybrids!
“We have Hybrids in 2005! These are autos that can run on gas and electricity!”
50’s-Guy was genuinely impressed. “Well these Hi-Braids do sound powerful, but do they roar like this?” He jumped over the Buick’s door and cranked the engine for a moment. His pride swelled as Future-Mans teeth rattled.
When 50’s-Guy finished, Future-Man continued, “Well they aren’t really meant for power… they are designed to be more efficient. They use far less gas and…”
50’s-Guy interrupted, “GAS? Who cares about gas? It’s the tires that cost me. Do they get any cheaper in the future?”
“No, not really. Gas prices however, have practically tripled in just a single year.”
“So who’s raisin’ the prices? Just go punch ‘em in the nose. Trust me, the prices will settle on down after that.” 50’s-Guy offered.
Again Future-Man was at a loss. “Many members of OPEC are Islamic and our punch-’em-in-the-nose tactics haven’t panned out so well of late…”
Thouroughly confused, 50’s-Guy, asked “You mean those Japs? How’d they end up gettin’ all the gas after what we did to them?”
Suddenly Future-Man’s timer beeps off reminding him that the portal will soon close. There was no time to finish explaining.
Watching Future-Man wave goodbye and head towards the portal, 50’s-Guy added, “Thanks again friend, but the future sounds like somewhere I ain’t need to see anytime soon!”
Future-Man walked back through the portal. Defeated again.

Over the last couple weeks, I’ve noticed that 7-11 now has Big Gulp brand soda. Not in the fountain (or maybe, I didn’t check), but in bottles that look like they were designed by the same guy who does the packaging for every other boring supermarket house brand. Who goes to a convenience store, which they already know is charging high prices, and is swayed to pay 35 cents less for an off brand cola? Not many, so they’re attempting to solve this by raising the prices on the name brand stuff. Face it 7-11, your bread and butter are customers who will pay a little more to conveniently buy stuff they’ve heard of. They’re not going to buy the cheap stuff, they’re just going to get their regular brand, bring it up to the register, and think, “Crap, they charge a lot for this stuff! I gotta get my butt to the supermarket.”

But that’s not what I came here to write about.

I next found they also have a store brand chocolate bar. The brand name? Big Gulp! Apparently, they’re following a very stupid trend also seen in Sun and Microsoft: put your famous brand name on everything, even if it doesn’t make any sense. Big Gulp is 7-11’s most famous product, so they’re trying to leverage the existing mindshare to save on marketing costs. The end result is a stupid name for all but the original product.
     Microsoft did this with .NET, although not intentionally. They decided to build this application framework, and were so in love with it they decided to spend millions ($100M?) on the campaign. Every product manager who heard this tried to horn in on the action by calling their product .NET, just to get some of the marketing money and ride the wave. What this ended up causing was mass confusion among consumers who couldn’t for the life of them figure out just what the hell .NET was. It took a lot of reeling in and some backpeddling (and I think it’s still a tad muddled), but most geeks know what you mean by .NET now.
     Sun seems to be trying for the same thing by throwing the Java label on random products they want to promote. Every geek (and tons