The genre where Roger Ebert and I have our rare disagreements is what I call “pure comedy”. These are movies designed to make you laugh the whole way through, plot and character development be damned. I love a well crafted film as much as the next guy, but if I’m laughing hysterically throughout the whole film, that’s good enough. For him, not so much.
Team America falls into that category. It’s being billed as an equal opportunity offender, and that’s about right. It attacks the whiney liberal actors and the at-all-costs right wingers with equal aplomb. As well as formula action movies. It’s pretty hilarious throughout.
The whole thing is done with puppets, inspired by the series The Thunderbirds, and some of the humor is from puppets trying to show drama (or walking, or having sex). They thought it would be a great way to make fun of formula action flicks, especially 80’s Bruckheimer films. Actually, their original plan was to do an all-puppet version of The Day After Tomorrow, which they thought was already very funny. Without the “benefit” of having seen that film, I think this was probably the right way to go.
All posts by archangel
Diamonds Are Foridiots
So, if you didn’t already know, The DeBeers Company pretty much controls both supply and demand of diamonds to artificially inflate prices. And, they have nothing to do with beer. An article from The Straight Dope clears things up. Also, the next big threat is artificial diamonds, which are pretty much indistinguishable from the real thing, except they’re a little too perfect. Wired has a big article about that.
So, if you’re trying to get out of spending a fortune for a diamond ring, you have a lot of evidence that supporting the diamond industry is akin to supporting African poverty and blood feuds. And if that fails, you should soon be able to by a cheap, flawless diamond. Spend the rest on something the whole family can use, like gambling.
Calling Dr. Cosby
Bill Cosby made a speech for the 50th anniversary of Brown vs. The Board of Education (Brown won). It was focused on the 50% dropout rate for inner city black males. Somehow, the media got a hold of it and tried to portray it as classist, which is just ridiculous. The speech itself is inspirational, funny in parts, and makes a ton of sense. There’s a lot about personal responsibility. You can find a transcript of it here.
Take My Advice: Win The Lottery
A coworker is going to be out for knee surgery, and said he’d be back on Monday. Our secretary insists he wants to be back on Friday. No he doesn’t. He doesn’t even want to be here Monday-Thursday. Or weekends. He comes in because he has to, just like the rest of us. But you can skip all that if you just take my advice and win the lottery.
Lottery winners get craploads of money, and it only costs a dollar. So it’s totally worth it. You just gotta make sure you get the right ticket. Trust me, it’s easier than it sounds. Some tips…
Don’t pick a previous winning number. Have you ever heard of the same number winning twice, in any lottery? Me neither. You can get the winning numbers off the internet – for free! This cuts out thousands of useless numbers. If you don’t do this, you’re just wasting money.
Bribe the 7-11 guy. Obviously, this guy’s already won, or else he wouldn’t have a 7-11. Don’t tell me you come fresh off the boat and say, “I need a 7-11”, and they just give you one. Those things are freakin’ expensive. You gotta win the lottery first. So a lot of foreigners know how to pick the right numbers. But don’t ask a foreigner who’s selling oranges, or writing software, ’cause they haven’t figured it out yet (oranges and computers are cheap, compared to 7-11s). Also, don’t think they had money when they came here, ’cause if you had mad fat stacks of cash – 7-11 money – you’d be big pimpin’ back in your third world hood, with all sorts of fly honeys. Not running a 7-11 in the States, that’s for sure.
Get a job cleaning the lotto machine. Those machines work by blowing ping-pong balls around, and grabbing the winning balls from the top. Just tell them you need to wash the balls, and then inject the non-winning numbers with something to weigh them down, like heroin. You probably already have that in your needle, anyway. And you can always get more heroin, ’cause you’re gonna win the lottery. In fact, you might even win a few lotteries in a row, before everyone catches on. If you do this, ignore the rule about not picking previous winning numbers.
There are other ways, but they might be illegal, so I won’t talk about them here. Remember, rich people make their own luck. But that’s another topic for another time.
Strongbadassmofo
So when I tell you about the awesomeness that is the Strongbad email, you should be saying, “duh”. ‘Cause you knew about it like only a million years ago. Pfffffft. But if you’re not saying that, you have a crapload of hilarious web pages to go through. And also, you’re not as cool as me (but you knew that). So get crackin’! Also, there are a lot of easter eggs, especially at the end of the episodes, so you end up waving your mouse cursor all over the damn screen like you’ve got Parkinson’s, searching for a cool extra tidbit. And it’s worth it.
Apologies to those with Parkinson’s. Peace.
Directing 101
I was just watching the “making of” featurette of The Girl Next Door. The producer (I think) said “the studio” thought Elisha Cuthbert was good enough to play a girl next door, but might not be sexy enough to be portray a porn star.
Genius.
You get a girl as hot as Elisha, and make her convince you she can play sexy. This was a great bargaining tactic, as she said on the commentary she didn’t want to do full-nude like “the studio” wanted. So they tell her, “actually, we’re not even sure you’re sexy enough the play the part.”
Brilliant.
So still no full-nude, but way closer, and a fantastic performance that made me think, “Wow, it looks like she’s actually had sex before.” For those never blessed by her visage, I got some great wallpaper here. Ah, what the heck, this blog could use some eye candy…
Roly Poly Fish Heads
As a seafood lover, I try to stay abreast of which species are deadly killers. An Eco Defense website has a nice chart telling you which ones are safe to eat (including catfish, clams, crabs, scallops, wild salmon) and which are slowly poisoning you (orange roughy, shark, swordfish, farmed salmon). There are several others on the list, and it also gives info on which are being over-fished, and how much of the deadly ones you can eat, based on gender and age (yours, not the fish’s). Pay attention to locations on the chart and at the supermarket; for example, most Alaskan fish is ok, but if caught from different areas or farmed, it may contain unsafe levels of mercury or other toxins.
The People In Your Neighborhood
Apparently a fellow Westminster resident and waitress was displeased with a couple customers hitting on her. Allegedly, she followed the standard protocol in the restaurant industry, which is to call your thug boyfriend and have the customers killed. This took place in the Hawaii Cafe in Garden Grove, now closed for “remodeling”.
Articles:
http://msnbc.msn.com/id/6028638/
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-cafe17sep17,1,7921713.story?coll=la-headlines-california
Problem: We’re Not Using Enough Oil
Solution: The International CXT.
It’s a pickup, I guess, in the same way the ocean is “wet”. Understatements abound. It is, without a doubt, not what Jesus would drive.
For those concerned about fuel economy, the government has a website devoted to it, complete with hybrid car/truck comparisons. From this, it’s no wonder the Prius has up to an 8 month wait.
Which Executive’s Decision?
On the 3rd anniversary of September 11th, HBO just happens to show Executive Decision. If you can’t recall what it’s about, I’ll remind you. Kurt Russell and a special forces team sneak onto a Boeing passenger jet to stop Islamic terrorist hijackers from taking it to Washington to blow it up and release nerve gas into the city. The executive decision is whether the president should allow fighters jets to shoot it down. How appropriate! How sensitive!
“Happy 9/11 from all of us at HBO!”
Wankers.