Relax, I haven’t become a tree hugger, nor am I swearing off oral sex. My problem is that every damned time I go to the men’s room, there’s somebody in the other stall humming.
And it’s not always the same guy, either. Different people. It’s really disconcerting when you’re trying to pinch a loaf and there’s someone 2 1/2 feet away just getting to the bridge of “My Heart Must Go On.” I mean, really now. Is this necessary? I can still detect (how could I not) what smells like you’ve dragged a rotting corpse into the stall with you, and I can still hear, over the humming, what sounds like a fireworks display, or like you’re violating the aforementioned rotting corpse. Enough, already!
On that note, I’m off to find the Times and a set of earplugs.
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Agreed. I have a lot of problems with bathroom etiquette, like dropping your pants at the urinal (http://www.crackteam.org/2006/06/15/209). I’ve also seen people lean and prop themselves up against the wall with one arm, as if the force from the stream might knock them on their feet. And this is before Flomax, mind you.
What’s crazy is how many creepy weirdos I encountered while working at The Boring Company:
- I’m in a stall, and I hear a guy using the sink for 5 minutes. Clearly, he’s washing out his coffee cup, or perhaps an entire Japanese tea service. He finishes as I’m flushing, and I discover he’s not washing anything. He just *happens* to time his exit with mine, and greets me with a big smile and a hello. I’m working late and am happy to quickly return to my cube behind a locked door.
- Another time I go into a stall, and naturally pick the one all the way at the end against the wall. Shortly after, someone takes the stall right next to mine. I finish, confirm that every other stall was empty, and then discover it’s a coworker.
I also hate it when people talk on their cell phone in the bathroom, so I do my darnedest to fart loudly (as if the person on the other end hasn’t guessed his whereabouts by the bathroom concert hall effect). Sadly, I’ve yet to pull that off. Some day I’m going to lose it, start making loud artificial fart noises with my mouth, and exclaim, “Oh, what a wonder shit I’m taking!”
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Reminds me of the bit on urinal etiquette in Dave Barry’s Guide to Guys. There ought to be a law…
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I don’t have hummers where I live. Even the concept doesn’t make sense and brings up questions. Like;
Do they hum when not in the stall?
Do they realize a toilet bowl is pretty much an 18 inch porcelain bass speaker pointed up? There ain’t no covering that sound up.Here’s what annoys me. I go out of my way to sniff or cough so that when someone else enters the bathroom, they can tell I’m in there, yet they HAVE to try to open the stall anyway. This always freaks me out regardless of how well closed/locked/welded the door is.
I don’t care how awesome you are, there’s two things that destroy your coolness image:
#1) Someone catching you on the toilet.#2) Drinking with a straw.
If you’re ever caught drinking through a straw while on the toilet, just kill yourself. It’s over.
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Hmm. I drink from a straw in restaurants, although not at home or in bars (or on the toilet, for that matter, but I sincerely hope that didn’t have to be clarified). I’m hoping there’s a restaurant exception, because I think you look even less cool when your the ice in your glass gets stuck at the bottom, but then rushes into your face after tilting it. This happens whenever I don’t drink from a straw.
I saw a little homemade sign on the bathroom door of my local Coffee Bean that I’m sure you’d appreciate:
“If the door is locked, the bathroom is occupied. There is no need to knock!!!”
I hear that.
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Sorry, I don’t make the rules. Although I use straws myself, I’ve found these following techniques will restore your coolness level if performed soon after suck-face-drinking:
Flexing.
Belching in a low tone.
Shouting “boyah!”.
Having a three-some. (Important add: with the opposite sex and animals don’t count. Not that I would know. If too late, then use another straw to return to previous uncool level and start over.)
Shooting a machine gun. (Must be fully automatic. Bonus if target explodes.)
and finally if all else fails,
Find some other dude using a straw and quickly point out how much of a loser they are with their suck-face look being all sucky and loser-ish. Ha. What a lame-oh.
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