What if? The Chess Comedy Club in Bonn


Bonn, 2008.
The 12 game 2008 World Chess Championship match is between Viswanathan Anand of India, the titleholder, and challenger Vladimir Kramnik of Russia, a former World Champion, who beat Kasparov in a 16 game match 8 years ago.

After two draws at the start, Anand won game 3, and after another draw, won two in a row, and leads, 4 1/2 to 1 1/2. It was referred to as “a major tragedy in the making” by one of the German commentators.

Up to about 15 years ago, these matches were for 24 games. The shorter length makes it more difficult to catch up after losing a few early games. This is because of the high percentage of draws in chess at the grandmaster level.

Vladimir is sounding discouraged, talking about just winning one game, before considering his chances of winning the match.

Tragedy or comedy? That is the question.

The writers here at CrackTeam.org gave it some thought. The tasteless result is below.

Read at your own risk. You have hereby been warned.

      *      *      *

Ladies and Gentlemen: at the Bonn Chess Comedy Club, from the USA, let’s welcome our guest comedian!”

“Hey, it’s great to be here. Thanks for the welcome. Wow! Thanks for the applause. Thank you.”

“Yeah! A great audience! Thank you, thank you!

“All right! Thank you. Thank you!”

“Hey! If you love me before I even open my mouth, how do I know it’s not just PHYSICAL?”

Th-boomp.

“Bonn’s a crazy town. I came in here, thinking that the big match was too SHORT. The way Kramnik feels right now, he’s thinking the match is too LONG!”

Th-boomp!

“It’s not a match, it’s a MIS-match!”

Crash.

“‘Cause he’s looking more like Vlad the IMPALED!”

Th-Boomp-Crash.

“I mean, if I wanted to see a wipe out, I would have stayed home for the ELECTION!”

Bomp-Bomp-Bomp.

“With those tickets for game 12, I mean, the Chess Match ticket agency is starting to make the US mortgage salesmen look GOOD! Whoa!”

“Yeah! And now the back row seats cost THE MOST!”

“And the other day, they asked Kramnik to show his TICKET!”

“What’s up with THAT?”

Crash, crash, crash.

“They used to make you show your ticket when you walked IN. Now, they make you show your ticket when you’re tryin’ to LEAVE!”

“You think it’s rough INSIDE the hall?”

“Hey!”

“The scalpers are OUTSIDE the hall, sayin’, ‘Want my SCALP?'”

“It’s TOUGH out there!”

“I mean I went to a Tandoori restaurant, nothin’ fancy, just something to bring back to my HOTEL room.”

“The guy said, ‘You want an Indian take-out? Go watch the CHESS match! YOU’LL see an Indian take out!'”

“Yeah!”

“Thank you, thank you!”

“Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, you’ve been a great audience! See you next time. Thank you, thank you. Hey! I gotta go!”

Click here for the games of the match.

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