Monthly Archives: December 2008

Humor, Television

And I Jizz In My Pants

I finally saw the last SNL and the highlight was the Lonely Island music video Jizz In My Pants. Not terribly safe for most corporate environments, but the funniest video since Dick In A Box. This one stars Andy Samberg and Lonely Island cohort Jorma Taccone, with cameos from Justin Timberlake, Molly Sims, and Jamie-Lynn Sigler. I guess she’s in NYC visiting Turtle.

Also worth checking out are these tips on talking to girls, offered by a 9 year old. They were startlingly accurate:

If you liked those, check out these other Lonely Island and SNL videos.

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Humor, Rants

Decoding The Personals

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Wherein we suffer through the personal ads so you don’t have to. The phrases are all from personal ads; the translations are mine. Feel free to add or amend.

Sensitive: Will cry at the drop of a hat.

Upbeat: Takes antidepressants.

Healthy: Herpes in remission.

Lonely: Needy.

Smart: Doesn’t use hairspray in pits, brush with KY Jelly.

Intelligent: Can and will misquote Shakespeare for all occasions.

Sleepless In…: Has seen too many Nora Ephron movies to be trusted.

Romantic: Spend lots, spend often, or else.

Enjoys Finer Things In Life: And you thought “Romantic” was expensive.

Spiritual: Will latch onto every New Age trend du jour; owns extensive self-help library. Has crystals collecting dust atop Celestine Prophecy in closet.

Sincere: Self-absorbed as hell, but coated in a veneer of “caring.” Makes eye contact, nods appreciatively. Big whoop.

Serious Replies Only: Marry me, or else. These are the people who, after a one-night stand, will tearfully exclaim, “But I thought we were going to get married!” Continue reading Decoding The Personals →

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Humor, Internet, Rants

Fortune Cookies, Horoscopes, and Dating Profiles

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The trick with fortune cookies and horoscopes is that they are vague enough to shoehorn the specifics of your life to match them, whatever those specifics may be. It occurred to me that Internet dating profiles are the same way. She says she’s looking for someone who’s fun and has a great sense of humor and likes to travel. That pretty much narrows it down to “human”. Everyone thinks reasonably well of themselves, otherwise they’re not posting a public profile.

Even the part that lists specific requirements like age and height and body type are squinted at until they match the reader. She wants someone no older than 40, but she’s 38, so the 47 year old man thinks, “I’m good enough” (and if she has kids, he’s right). He wants someone of average or slender build and she thinks, “Why, that’s what I put on my profile!” Um, yeah, about that.

Dating profiles are sales brochures and daters are used car salesmen. Honesty is out the window because it would never get you anywhere. If I lived in a world where honesty was rewarded instead of punished, here is the profile I would write:
Continue reading Fortune Cookies, Horoscopes, and Dating Profiles →

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