• 1 1/2 tablespoons Hawaiian sea salt
  It’s usually found in Japanese markets or gourmet stores. You can try searching for “Hawaiian” on Yelp, or click the links to buy it on Amazon.
  It comes in black (charcoal based), red (alaea/clay based), and white (nothin’ special). It was recommended I get black to enhance the smokey taste, but I could only find red and white. I went with red because I didn’t have time to order it online; it turned out fine. Definitely don’t use regular table salt!
  Oh, to save you look-up, 1/2 tablespoon is 1 1/2 teaspoons.
• 1 tablespoon liquid smoke
  I chose Colgin’s mesquite over hickory. I’m not sure why I did that, but when I opened the bottle at home it smelled right.
• 5-6 lb. pork butt roast
  5 lbs was the biggest I could find. Sometimes this is called Boston butt. You don’t want the picnic arm with the skin – at least not for this.
• sushi rice
  By sushi rice, I mean short or medium grain white rice. You’ll find this at the Japanese market or the Asian section of your supermarket. I bought Calrose rice, which is a California-grown rice that’s actually preferred in some Asian countries. As for brand, I picked Botan simply because they included cooking directions. If you can cook rice without explicit directions, I have no idea what you’re doing here.
• tonkatsu sauce (optional)
  Pick this up at the Japanese market when you’re getting the salt. If you are faced with a dizzying array of choices, use this opportunity to chat up a cute employee.

Equipment

• crock pot (aka slow cooker) big enough to fit the roast
• measuring spoons
• carving fork

Make like the pros and put the salt and liquid smoke into 2 small bowls. This will help in a minute when your hands are covered in pork fat.

The pork roast will have one side with a thick layer of fat. Nice when you’re roasting, but we ain’t doin’ that, so trim it off. Using the carving fork, uniformly poke holes all over the roast. While stabbing it, pretend you’re administering an adrenalin shot to an OD’ing Uma Thurman. Sprinkle the salt all over the roast and rub it in. Then pour the liquid smoke on and rub that all over. Reflect on how rugged you’ll seem when your hands smell like smoke for a week. Transfer the roast to the crock pot. Some finagling may be required to make it fit. Set it to low and mark the time.

The original recipe called for 16-20 hours of cooking (flipping it once halfway through) for a 6 lb. roast. My crock pot gets a bit hot, even on low, so it was ready in 12. Odds are you’re going to be sleeping while this is cooking, so plan accordingly. Following the rules for pulled pork on the grill, the internal temperature should be about 190 degrees Fahrenheit. When it’s done, transfer the roast onto a large platter or baking dish. It may fall apart during transfer, so be careful.

Separate the juices from the fat. The easiest way is to use this genius device, a fat-separating gravy pitcher. Just pour the juice from the crock pot onto the pitcher, taking care not to get it everywhere. If you don’t have one of those, pour it through a strainer or colander into a bowl. If you don’t have that, you can use a ladle to skim the juice while leaving the bits of fat and collagen behind. Put the bowl into the freezer to get the grease to harden.⁴ When cold, you just scrape the grease off the top. See how much easier it would be with that pitcher?

But don’t wait for the grease to separate – shred the pork while it’s hot. You can use a fork, or more easily, use your hands with insulated food gloves. Pull out any chunks of fat you find – there will be a lot. This is the hardest part, so I suggest you find a cute girl and ask her if she’ll pull your pork for you. I find that, “Hey baby, wanna pull my pork?” works great. Now take the separated juice (reheating in the microwave if you used the freezer method) and pour it on the shredded pork. That will keep it nice and moist and add back that smokey, salty flavor.

Now go make the rice according to the directions on the bag. If yours doesn’t have directions, God help you. Or mom help you. Or buy one of those awesome Zojirushi rice cookers that figures everything out for you and makes rice like Matsuhisa-san. The Botan Calrose rice was very easy to make and came out perfect.

Now throw them together in a bowl and wolf it down! If you find it too salty, throw a little katsu sauce on there. Another friend adds rooster sauce, but that’s crazy. Try not think about what eating that much pork will do to you.

Actually, you should think about it. I separated at least 2.5 cups of fat and grease from my roast. That’s 4,557 calories, 500 grams of fat (230g of saturated fat), and 515mg of cholesterol. Yours may have even more. So if you’re not going to follow all three fat separating steps, just go to a restaurant. It ain’t worth a triple bypass.

1. Thanks to Agent Doubledeuce for the tip.
2. But don’t worry, I’ll still explain it to you like you were held back a few times.
3. Not counting those supermen who actually dig a hole, add fire, and roast the whole pig all at once.
4. Uh, you don’t wait for the whole thing to be frozen, just the fat. Maybe 20 minutes.

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4 lb. beef roast, cut into 1/2″ cubes
I found sirloin tip on sale and used that. I was going to use tri-tip as that was cheaper, but it was already sold out. London broil could work, too. Avoid chuck. Cut out any fat and gristle/tough connective tissue when you’re dicing the beef.
2 bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale
1 large onion, diced
I used a 10 oz. package of pre-diced onions as I don’t have a food processor and hate dicing onions.
18 oz. of tomato paste
8 oz. tomato sauce
8 oz. salsa
Your choice, but it should be red (tomato) not green (chile or tomatillo). I used Pace Picante sauce, medium.
15 oz. can pinto beans, drained and rinsed
15 oz. can black beans, drained and rinsed
1/4 cup chili powder
There is a lot of variation here. I’m talking chili with an I, not chile with an E. The former is a spice blend – look at what it has in it and decide if you like it. The latter is a single spice; it will work, but it won’t taste as good. One note.
1 tbsp. garlic powder
1 tsp. garlic salt
1/4 tsp. ground black pepper
2 tbsp. olive oil

Optional:

diced chile peppers
Must be fresh, not canned. It will be faster to just buy a chunky salsa and add more of it.
cayenne pepper
Add to taste if it’s not hot enough. Again, you can just go with a hotter salsa and/or chili powder. My chili powder already has cayenne in it.

First, get everything ready. Dice, open cans, drain, rinse, measure spices, etc. This will lower your stress while cooking.

Dicing the beef will be a pain, but this is steak chili. You can ask your butcher if can do this. I doubt he can, but ask anyway. If he offers to grind it – even a chili grind – say no. Might as well buy ground beef if he’s going to do that. Instead, perhaps it’s time to pass those knife skills you’ve acquired on to a small child. Just remind them to let the knife do the cutting – don’t press hard. Hey, they gotta learn sometime.

Brown the beef in the olive oil over medium heat. Stir often, don’t cook it. There might be a little pink, but that’s better than overcooking it. Drain it.

Put it back on the stove and add the onions. Add just enough beer to cover it; for me that was 2 bottles. Bring it to a boil, then immediately lower the heat to a simmer. Simmer for 10 minutes, stirring often to remove carbonation. This will tenderize the beef, allowing you to buy cheaper cuts.

Stir in the other ingredients (in this order for best results). Mix it up good before adding the next ingredient:
tomato paste
tomato sauce
salsa
chili powder (don’t dump it all at once)
garlic powder
garlic salt
beans

Simmer for an hour, stirring every 10 minutes.

At this point, you can eat it. However, it will taste better if you let it cool and throw it in the fridge overnight. The flavors combine and intensify overnight, so unless you find it way too bland, don’t add anything until the next day.

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First, prepare the BBQ rub. I like this Carolina BBQ rub that I originally made for pulled pork. I found it works well on beef, too. The only change I made was using pure ancho chile powder instead of your garden variety chili powder. This was suggested by a couple chefs and I think it turned out well, but if you already have the regular stuff then use it. You are nothing if not practical. And lazy.

Trim the roast, and then sprinkle on the rub liberally and rub it in. Let it marry in the fridge overnight. Don’t worry, this is an acceptable union under the current law; it’s not like a man marrying a box turtle. Take the roast out half an hour before grilling so it comes to room temp.

For cooking times, follow the recommendations in your manual, esp. if it’s a Weber. My Weber manual was quite accurate, definitely more than the one for my Viking range. Like all roasts, it will be medium indirect, and it will benefit from smoke. Try mesquite. Avoid tobacco. And don’t flip it while grilling.

One problem I had while taking its temperature is that heat from the grill messed with my digital thermometer. I had to remove it from the grill while checking the temp. Of course, use a meat thermometer, not an oral or rectal one. In fact, if using either of those is even possible, your butcher has executed an elaborate ruse at your expense. Always remember: a tri-tip roast has neither a mouth nor an anus. Words to live by.

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First, get a 3-4 lb. tri-tip roast. Remove the fat. If you’re lazy or short on time you can buy pre-trimmed roasts, but at double the price. $4 a pound??? We’re not Trump here. Once again, the fat removed was about the size of my fist.

Next, preheat the oven to 325. My oven has Bake and Convection Bake settings, but you preheat a lot faster if you start with Bake.

While the oven is preheating you season the meat, which is ridiculously easy. Get yourself some Old World Steak seasoning, which is made by Fire Roasted Creations. OK, it’s not always easy to find. I got mine at Barbeques Galore and you can order it online here. Yes, it’s definitely worth the effort of tracking it down. If you absolutely don’t have time to obtain it, you can substitute McCormick’s Montreal Steak seasoning. It’s more peppery and the flavor is less complex, but it will do in a pinch. Just sprinkle it over the meat, then tap it in with the back of the tongs or a metal spoon. Flip it and repeat. Do this about 10 minutes before baking.

Place the roast on that broiler pan that came with your oven. It might be in that drawer underneath that you never knew existed. You can use a roasting pan, but only if you’re NOT convection baking. Convection baking, which cooks food faster and seals in juices better, requires a very shallow pan so the air can circulate better.

Since this is a roast, you’re shooting for medium, or 145F. Since roasts continue to cook after you’ve removed the heat, you stop when your meat thermometer reads about 140F. To obtain this ideal temperature, put the roast in the oven and set the timer to some random number. I say this because my Viking manual says a 3-4 lb. roast should be done in 30 minutes on convection bake or 35 minutes on bake, and that wasn’t even close. After 30 minutes it read 121F, or mooooo. Another 10 minutes brought it to 131, and another 15 after that brought it to 150. This is at the thickest part of the roast, so it was between medium and medium well, which is a little more done than I’d like it, but good enough.

OK, so the timer should be set for 40 minutes if convection baking and 50 for normal baking, assuming you’re using my oven.

When the desired temperature is reached let the roast sit for 20 minutes. Again, the temperature continues to rise 5-10 degrees while the juices move from the center outward, resulting in more uniformly juicy slices. Slice it thin.

Since meat alone isn’t very filling, I made simple burritos with Spanish rice. All you need to pick up is a box of Zatarains Spanish Rice mix, a 14.5oz can of crushed tomatoes, and some “I Can’t Believe This Shit Ain’t Butter!” or any butter-like substance that isn’t found in your bathroom. Follow the directions on the box – it’s dead simple.

Pick up a pack of Guerrero-brand burrito tortillas or whatever your local tortilleria sells. Before filling, preheat a large skillet to medium, then heat one side for 15 seconds and the other for 10. Fill with the rice and meat and roll like the Mexican ladies at Chipotle. If the meat is on the dry side (or even if it isn’t), you can add sour cream and/or shredded cheese.

Once again, you’ve got dinner for the week! Just remember that the tortillas have to be refrigerated, too.

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Italian Beef
My friend Jonathan turned me on to Portillo’s, a Chicago chain originally famous for hot dogs. I asked him what to get and he suggested the combo sandwich, which is a combination of Italian beef and sausage. I’ve since gone back many times and never wavered from this selection – just don’t forget to add cheese fries.

So I found a recipe on allrecipes.com (which appears to be the best recipe site out there) for Italian beef, citing a certain Chicago chain as the inspiration. Was this, perhaps, Portillo’s??? No. Not even close. Don’t get your hopes up. But it is a damn good beef sandwich, an Italian version of the French dip, and it’s dead simple to make. It requires a crock pot, but I’m finding this is an essential single guy kitchen appliance. So get one if you don’t have one – they’re cheap.

Ingredients
1 4-5 lb. chuck roast
2 cans low sodium beef broth
1 teaspoon each of:

• salt
• ground black pepper
• dried oregano
• dried basil
• onion salt
• dried parsley
• garlic powder

1 bay leaf
2 .7 oz. packages of Italian dressing mix (usually Good Seasons brand, and get regular, not “Zesty”)

First, the roast. I couldn’t find a chuck roast bigger than 1.5 lbs., so I went to the butcher and asked if they had any bigger. He said, with reluctance, that he could cut me one. I said do it, because it’s his friggin’ job. “4 lbs.?”, he asked. Make it 3, I said, because butchers notoriously overcut.¹ He comes out with a 4.5 lb. roast, saying it’s only slightly larger than the 1.5 lb. roasts on the shelf. “It’s 3 times as big,” I say. “Well, by volume it’s only a little bigger than those.” As the butcher counter was not at the bottom of the Marianas Trench, I sincerely doubted this, but I could tell I wasn’t going to win this one. No biggie, you can go up to 5 lbs. on this one.

First, trim the roast. Just cut off (or out) all significant chunks of fat. You may find a big chunk of fat in the middle – don’t leave that in! When I was done, the fat I removed was literally bigger than my fist. Also, this made the roast more pliable so it fit in the crock pot easier. You don’t care about it being one nice whole roast, as you’ll see. When you’re done trimming, rinse it off and toss it in the crock pot.

Next, pour the beef broth in a medium saucepan and stir in the rest of the ingredients. After it’s mixed, bring it to a boil, then pour it over the roast.

Set the crock pot to LOW and cook for 8-12 hours. I know, this is a huge variation, but it depends on your roast. My 4.5 lb. trimmed roast was done in about 9 hours. If you set it to HIGH you will toughen and dry out the meat. Even on low, you should turn the roast every couple hours with tongs and/or a meat fork.

When it’s done, transfer the roast to a large baking dish, leaving the juice in the crock. Start shredding the meat with forks, pulling out any fat chunks as you go. When you’re done shredding, take a look at the pot with the juice – there will be at least 1/2″ of grease on top. Skim this off with a big spoon or ladle. Finally, put the beef back in the juice.

For the sandwiches, get some grinder/hoagie rolls, preferably from an Italian bakery. You also need some sharp provolone cheese, which smells way stronger than it tastes. Split the rolls, throw on the cheese, and spoon the meat on with the juice. It’s a sloppy sandwich, but it’s worth it.

Optionally, saute some green bell pepper and onions with salt, pepper, and olive oil. If you’re lazy, you can buy pre-diced onion and frozen pepper strips. But the onion should be in rings or strips, not diced, and the pepper strips include yellow and red, when all you want is green (which is cheaper, anyway). If you forgo the vegetables (and even if you don’t), take a multivitamin and a fish oil capsule with it. No need to die early over a sandwich that isn’t from Portillo’s².

It reheats easily, but don’t reheat the whole thing every time you want a sandwich³. Just put a portion in a bowl and nuke it on high for 1m30s. Now you’ve got an au jus dipping bowl. There it is: dinner (and maybe lunch) for a week, with minimal effort.

1. I once asked for a porterhouse steak 1.5″ thick. I got one that was 2.5″ thick and rang up for $27. Yes, raw.
2. Or the Carnegie Deli.
3. Some of you are laughing, but I have an uncle who does this.

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