Television

So if you’re not watching Chuck, I doubt I’ll convince you to start. But if anything can, it’s this finger licking scene of Yvonne Strahovski serving yogurt at “Orange Orange” (the Pinkberry of the Chuck universe). Yes, it’s set to Flight of the Conchords’ Foux du Fafa, making it perfect:

If you liked that, here’s more Yvonne Strahovski.

When I first saw the promo photos for True Blood, I figured it was CBS female spook-fest a la Ghost Whisperer and other Friday night shows I don’t watch. Sultry southern vampire stories without nudity or profanity or any reason to watch them.

I was wrong. On many counts.

First, it’s not TV, it’s HBO, who has no problems with profanity or nudity. In fact, they put boobies right in the opening title sequence.

Second, it stars Anna Paquin, who I adore. What can I say, she is adorable. She’s also a blonde in True Blood, and Alan Ball had fun with a Lolita sunbathing homage.

And third, yes, it’s written and directed by Alan Ball, who wrote American Beauty. I saw that 4 times in the theater, as I was so impressed with the writing. OK, sure, Thora Birch and Mena Suvari’s revealing portrayals might have had an influence. But it takes a brilliant writer to get actresses to be so… revealing.

Anyway, it’s a great show, so be sure to catch a rerun of the pilot before the next episode airs Sunday night.

You might want to check out the TV Guide Premier Calendar to find out what shows start when this fall (some have already started). On my DVR (in premier order):

90210
I was surprised to find out how well I could compare - in Chuck Klosterman-like¹ detail - this new series to the original. I was also surprised that the original debuted 18 years ago (I’m old). Anyway, the kids are more attractive (apparently, no producer has an unattractive daughter who wants an acting career) and have more money this time around. And, of course, by “kids” I mean hotties 18-23 years old. So this generation of teenage viewers will have an even bigger inferiority complex than we did.

I have to say, I was a bit disappointed with the first episode, considering that the creator of the original series was involved along with Freaks and Geeks producers Jeff Judah and Gabe Sachs. Freaks and Geeks is the best HS series of all time, and this is, well, not. They also have Jessica Walters, who played Lucille Bluth on Arrested Development, which is probably the greatest sitcom of all time. Her character is similar, but the dialogue is such a pale, whitewashed version of Lucille’s it’s distracting. Please pay Mitchell Hurwitz whatever he wants to write her lines. Or just let Jessica channel Lucille and say whatever comes to mind; anything to punch it up.

Bones
Dunno how they’ll replace Zack Addy and I think it sucks they have to. Maybe they’ll follow the lead of House and 90210 and replace him with some hot babe.

True Blood
I wasn’t sure about this until I discovered a) it’s on HBO and b) it’s got Anna Paquin. If I were an X-Man, my mutant power would be the ability to have sex with Rogue without dying. Great success!

Entourage
Sex, drugs, and alcohol. And mansions. And supercars. And, occasionally, Seth Green.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
Lena Heady and Summer Glau. Two great tastes that taste great together. Now please replace Brian Austin Green with anybody. Maybe Jason Priestly or Ian Ziering.

Fringe
Fox replaced X-Files with Bones, but removed the supernatural part. I guess they want to replace it more directly? Could be interesting.

SNL
You know they’ll bring back Tina Fey to play Sarah Palin. My prediction: Terminator: The Sarah Palin Chronicles.

House
I like the new cast, especially the hot, young, bisexual doctor. There’s just something about her. Something hot, young, and bisexual. Also, Kal Penn is cool. And so is House, for that matter.

Smallville
Final season - ACK! And Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) is gone! And apparently Lana Lang. At least we’ll get to see Kristin Kreuk in the Street Fighter movie. And I hear there will be more Justice League action this season. Let’s hope for a spin-off.

Californication
I haven’t seen this yet, but it’s next in the Netflix queue. Combined with Dexter, it finally makes Showtime justifiable.

Heroes
It sucks that last season was truncated, but hopefully this one will make up for it. Just getting to watch Hayden Panettiere again will be nice, although I miss that cheerleader outfit.

Knight Rider
Ehhhh. I don’t know. I really doubt it. Maybe. But almost certainly not.

The Office
Duh.

The Simpsons
King of the Hill
Family Guy
American Dad
Just happy none of these were canceled (again).

Dexter
Just finished season 2 on Netflix. It’s weird; as the character becomes more human and relatable, his actions become more repulsive. So his motives/needs aren’t so clear now. I hope they work on that this season. But overall, great show.

Chuck
Yes, more Yvonne Strahovski. Also, please bring back Rachel Bilson.

Life
I got into this when I was without a TV and the writer’s strike had me watching stuff I missed. Very glad I caught this. Interesting characters. Hot babes.

Life On Mars
About all I know is that Harvey Keitel stars, and that’s all I need to know to give this a shot.

30 Rock
Duh, Part Deux.

1. ”You used to [not] be able to tell the difference between hipsters and homeless people. Now, it’s between hipsters and retards. I mean, either that guy in the corner in orange safety pants holding a protest sign and wearing a top hat is mentally disabled or he is the coolest fucking guy you will ever know.” -Chuck Klosterman [↩]

Some big news from NBC:

• Knight Rider returns as a series. It’ll air Wednesdays at 8PM. No word on whether Val Kilmer will still play KITT.
• Merlin, a new series about Camelot, will air Sundays at 8PM. Better have a two-tuner DVR to grab that and The Simpsons, Family Guy, et al.
• Matthew Broderick will be in the season finale of 30 Rock. The show, of course, has been renewed.
• The Office is getting a… well, they’re calling it a spinoff, but I don’t see how you can have a spinoff when supposedly none of the current cast will be in the new show, and it will be in a different location. Sounds more like a copycat show to me. A special Office episode and the copycat pilot will air right after the Superbowl. Like last year, the first episodes of the season will be an hour long.
• SNL will have a spinoff called Thursday Night Live. It will consist of a half-hour of political sketches leading up to the election.
• Heroes is of course coming back. The new season will start with a 2-hour episode on Sept. 15th, following one of those lame hour-long clip episodes that Lost is always doing.
• Life is coming back! Annoyingly it will air Fridays at 10PM, but that’s what DVRs are for. I never watched this on TV, but caught them all online (you can, too - the whole season). Now I’m hooked. I really like the main character, and the supporting cast is great. Sara Shahi looks gorgeous when she’s not in butch cop mode, and I’ve always liked Adam Arkin. My big hope is that Christina Hendricks will return. She’s a beautiful redhead with a body that would make Barbie jealous. Seriously, one of the best bodies in the history of bodies… Where was I? Oh yeah, to top it off they’re getting Donal Logue as the new boss. If you’ve never seen The Tao of Steve, in which he stars, rent it now. A great guy movie.
• Scrubs is not coming back! Well, not on NBC - it’s expected to move to ABC. Looks like it’s getting replaced by the Office copycat and Last Comic Standing. Whatever.
• Over the summer, NBC is creating a bunch of webisodes for Chuck, Heroes, and The Office. Hopefully they’ll be in HD; Yvonne Strahovski and Hayden Panettiere deserve nothing less.

More at Variety.

When I recently read about a Clone Wars cartoon, I thought I might have accidentally stumbled on an old article. I remembered the Emmy winning 2003 Clone Wars cartoon. Now Lucas has created another Clone Wars cartoon. Stupid mistake on my part; the original was called Star Wars: Clone Wars, while the new show as a completely different name - Star Wars: The Clone Wars. Both take place between episodes II and III.

The official site has a trailer and a video intro to the series.

Overall, the animation looks like they did it with a video game rendering engine, embellished in parts. Perhaps they’re borrowing technology from The Force Unleashed. Of course, it sure sounds like Star Wars.

Comedy Central is getting some new shows that might be good:

Andy Richter is getting a sketch comedy show. If it’s anywhere near as good as Andy Richter Controls the Universe - one of the top 10 American sitcoms - I’ll be very happy. The sadly short lived Andy Barker, P.I. was also great.

Snoop Dogg is getting an animated show based on his teenage years in Long Beach. I live about 20 minutes from Long Beach, but I’m guessing it’s not set in any of the parts I’ve been to, except, perhaps, by accident.

Nick Swardson, best known as Terry from Reno: 911, will be voicing the lead character in a new animated show called Gay Robot. No further commentary necessary.

So I hadn’t heard of The Paley Center for Media¹ before today, and- This just in: The Museum of Television & Radio apparently changed their name to the Paley Center for Media. Nobody tells me anything…

Anyway, the Beverly Hills branch is hosting talks with some cool people, including the casts of some great shows:

Bones
Wednesday, April 9, 2008; 7:00 pm
David Boreanaz, Emily Deschanel, and “cast and creative team” appearing.
I don’t know why they don’t list the supporting cast; it has a much bigger part than it did on The X Files, which I think Bones is meant to replace. Except, of course, for The Lone Gunmen.

The Riches
Friday, April 18, 2008; 7:00 pm
Eddie Izzard, Minnie Driver, and “cast and creative team” appearing.
I haven’t seen this show, but Eddie Izzard’s stand-up is hilarious.

The Sarah Silverman Program
Monday, April 21, 2008; 7:00 pm

George Carlin
Thursday, May 8, 2008; 7:00 pm
I always wanted to see George do stand-up at Club Bene in NJ. We’d always see him in the coming attractions when we caught Adrian Belew concerts there. As I’m pretty sure Club Bene is no more, maybe this is my chance.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob McElhenney, Kaitlin Olson, and Danny DeVito appearing.
Monday, June 30, 2008; 7:00 pm
This is the talk I most want to see - why the fuck is it scheduled for Monday? To get to Beverly Hills from OC by 7pm, I pretty much have to take a vacation day to avoid the traffic. Sux 2 b me.

1. For some unfathomable reason, they have disabled linking to any sub-pages. Word of advice to their webmaster: read Jakob Nielsen. [↩]

Joss Whedon is launching a new show called Dollhouse. It’s about people who have their minds wiped, and then have new personalities and skill sets imprinted on them for various activities.

This sounds strikingly similar to William Gibson’s take on prostitution in the Sprawl Trilogy¹. The character Molly Millions once worked as a prostitute, but brothels temporarily imprint a new consciousness on working girls and wipe the memories when it’s over. This very neatly allows all parties to go about guiltless, unless you wake up in the middle of a bad session like Molly does. Then things are not so good.

Ok, that’s just speculation on my part, but tons of people have borrowed from William Gibson. I mean, he coined the terms matrix and cyberspace - the man is a legend.

In Dollhouse, the people (victims?) are given a child-like personality in between gigs. That sounds a lot like Michael Bay’s The Island. Let’s hope Dollhouse is a lot more like the works of William Gibson and less like those of Michael Bay.

Either way, I’m happy it will star the lovely Eliza Dushku.

1. Which comprises Neuromancer, Count Zero, and Mona Lisa Overdrive, and is preceded by the short story collection Burning Chrome. My memory is a little fuzzy, so it may be from Buring Chrome, which includes Johnny Mnemonic. [↩]

So you’ve probably heard by now that the writer’s strike is over. Variety has some interesting articles on the subject:

• History and results of the strike. Long term could be better for writers, but it depends a lot on “new media” like streaming TV shows. Short term they’ll lose money, esp. writer/producers who will lose hundreds of thousands of dollars. In addition, a lot of deals were broken, studios invested more heavily in reality, etc. So it’s hard to say how much better off they are long term.
• Impact on TV. For the most part, we won’t start seeing new episodes of suspended shows like The Office until late March. They might try to extend the season into June, but a lot is up in the air. Most likely we’ll just get gypped several episodes.

So the writer’s strike is raging and there’s less and less scripted TV to watch. And the cable bill is past due, and the TV is broke, or at the very least, it’s all the way in the other room. Too much damn walking. What to do, nephew?

I have cataloged here all best the ways to legally obtain video entertainment on the Internet. So no jackbooted stormtroopers from the MPAA will kick down your door and haul away your computer. And your children.

Note: As much as I love Firefox, I find most embedded video players perform far better on IE. Many won’t work at all in Firefox, even with IE Tab.

Crack TV!
The Crack Team has been pointing you to great videos since this site was launched. Through the miracle of tagging (and the back-breaking labor of back-tagging over 400 posts), you can now see an archive of all video posts on TCT. Try to find good stuff sites like YouTube and you’ll end up slogging through one mediocre video after another - even when you stick to the popular and highly rated ones. Save your time and watch Crack TV!

Netflix
Netflix is awesome. Without a doubt the biggest DVD selection anywhere, including HD-DVD and Blu-Ray.¹ They also have a streaming service. While the selection of downloads is limited, it’s still good. I just finished season 1 of Dexter and next is Dead Like Me. They also have several NBC shows and a bunch of crap shows from the 70’s and 80’s. Best of all, they now allow you to download as much as you want! The quality is high, too. I’ve had no problems since signing up several years ago and they even give me an early adopter discount.

Broadcast
If you can, you’re probably best served by getting a good TV tuner card² and using DVR software like Windows Media Center. This way you can get everything and skip all the commercials.³

All major broadcast networks have some video content online, but vary widely in the quality, selection, and commercial content. It’s a great way to try new shows now that so little new stuff is produced. Journeyman would be a great example, if you didn’t watch it before it was canceled.⁴ You can now watch the entire series. Similarly, I recently discovered Life at the suggestion of a friend and now I’m all caught up.

Cable networks are much more conservative, choosing to only offer video clips like you might see on YouTube. Full episodes (for the cable channels I watch) are nonexistent.

Fox
Most TV shows I watch are on Fox, and they’ve done an awesome job with Fox On Demand. The selection is great:

• Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
• The Simpsons
• Family Guy
• King of the Hill
• American Dad
• House
• Bones
• Plus some crappy shows I don’t watch

New shows appear 1-8 days after airing; it depends on the show. The videos are high quality; some are even in HD. I find that cranking up the resolution to 1280 x 1024 on my 21″ monitor gives a great HD image for shows like Terminator.⁵ And most shows are commercial free! Rupert Murdoch is my homeboy.

NBC
NBC is the #2 network for online viewing. The video quality is excellent. The bad news is that all their shows run commercials during the normal spots for commercial breaks. The good news is that they only run one 15-30 second spot. The bad news is that it’s the same commercial, over and over. Better than watching it live, but not as good as a DVR. Like Fox, NBC also has a great selection:

• 30 Rock
• Bionic Woman
• Chuck
• Heroes
• Journeyman
• Life
• The Office

ABC
The only ABC show I really watch is Lost, but they seem to do a great job with it. Amazingly, they have all 4 seasons online in HD (1280 x 720), and when I boosted my resolution, full screen looked fantastic. Lost is easily the best looking show on the Internet. I thought I might try Pushing Daisies, as I heard that was good, but I found they only offer a few episodes of their other series.

CW
Smallville is one of my longtime faves, due in no small part to Kristin Kreuk. And Reaper is great. But CW’s online video offering is weak sauce. Very few full episodes and what they have is low quality. I have to admit, I am surprised they put online the director’s cut of the next new Smallville episode before it even aired. But it still wasn’t enough to get me to watch.

CBS
It sucks. First, I didn’t watch it when I had a TV. CBS has picked up Dexter, which is an awesome show, but they’re just airing censored versions of the Showtime series. When it’s all on Netflix, what’s the point? The only current CBS show I’m interested in is Jericho, as it was recently suggested to me by a few friends. When I went to watch past episodes, however, I found the video quality sucked. Full screen is almost unwatchable; it’s just stretching the original size, which is only 9″ diagonal on my monitor.

Headline News
I used to watch this more often to get a quick feed of major stories. This is still possible online through their Prime News segments. Personally, I can’t stand Nancy Grace, and don’t often bother with their other shows.

Discovery, TLC, Animal Planet
Decent quality full episodes, but very few shows (3 total at this time, none of which I watch), and only a couple episodes per show.

Comedy Central
More of a video clip outlet with no full episodes. Do you really need to see every second of The Daily Show or Colbert Report? Maybe not, especially now that the strike is affecting them. But I would like to see full episodes of South Park, Reno 911, and, should they ever return: Chapelle’s Show, Dr. Katz, Stella, Strangers With Candy, and Upright Citizen’s Brigade. I won’t be holding my breath.

Cartoon Network
They’ve produced some fantastic animated series, especially their superhero adaptations (Justice League Unlimited) and Adult Swim (Harvey Birdman, Sealab 2021). But the site seems very much geared towards kids, and only provides video clips. Nothing to see here.

1. If you tell them you have either player, they just automatically send you those. [↩]
2. Make sure it’s ATSC for HD [↩]
3. Except for the upcoming Agent Mystery-produced So You Think You Can Dance. Be sure to watch it live and soak in all the commercials. [↩]
4. Thanks for killing a great show. [↩]
5. They do force you to download a proprietary video player, but it seems harmless. And yes, I know it’s a tragedy to watch Terminator on anything less than a 50″ 1080P screen. [↩]

As a long time couch potato and fan of brilliant but short lived series, my spidey senses are well honed to detect cancellation. I knew it wasn’t a good sign when two new episodes of Journeyman were being aired two days apart. I just finished it watching the latest (now last ) episode, which had all sorts of closure points, and then did the dreaded web search for the words in this post’s title. Sadly, I came across this confirmation at the Journeyman blog.

If you didn’t watch it¹, you can catch several episodes free online at NBC. It was a great show, especially with Kevin McKidd leading the charge. I hope he gets a new show soon.

1. and I hear I’m to blame as well, since the rumor is that NBC was looking only at live viewings, not those from DVR/Tivo or online. [↩]

This is the story of a Christmas miracle.

One of the great cable company mysteries here in Southern California was, “why doesn’t Time Warner Cable offer the WB (Warner Brothers) in high definition?” It was very frustrating for me, as the two shows I most wanted to see in HD were Smallville (for high def Lana Lang, whose super power is to withstand extreme closeups with her flawless features) and Enterprise (for high def Sub-Commander T’Pol, who never actually commanded a sub, but did run around in skimpy clothes whilst applying sparkly creams [NSFW]). Alas, Enterprise got canceled, and UPN merged with the WB to become CW¹, and still no HD!

Well, last night I was pleasantly surprised to discover that CW (aka KTLA) is now available in HD on channel 405! I went to change all my series recordings on my DVR and was reminded that Smallville is still the only show I watch on that network. [EDIT: How could I forget about Reaper? It’s got Missy Peregrym [sexydesktop.co.uk] who’s also a babe, and also appeared in Smallville (and Heroes, as the incredible changing hottie).]

Fortunately, Kristin Kreuk is still flawless.

1. Named, of course, for CBS and Warner Bros. And no, I’m not joking, it’s a 50/50 ownership split. [↩]

So every once in a while I try to justify the purchase of a 30″ widescreen monitor that I don’t really need. Since there appears to be an inevitable housing shakeup here at CTHQ-OC¹, I have to deal with a possible loss of home theater. That seems reason enough to justify spending $1,300 on a new monitor/TV. I could move the PC to my bedroom and have a private home theater. But how to power it?

I’d seen some cheap Windows XP and Vista Media Center PCs, so that seemed reasonable. The last thing I really need is another computer, since I just bought one. It’s fast with a great case and a 500W power supply - why not upgrade this one?

Because it’s impossible! Thank you, Microsoft and CableLabs!

Ok, some clarification. You can add an HD tuner and capture card. It will capture over-the-air signals (antenna) and basic cable. But they can’t do digital cable, so no HBO or any channel over 100. Frankly, I don’t really watch stuff above channel 100, but I do watch HBO².

It’s at this point things go downhill. To watch digital cable, you need a digital cable tuner (DCT). In it you place a CableCARD you get from your cable company. Then you can watch and record most of the channels you now get with your set top box. I’ll explain “most” later.

This exists in the form of the ATI TV Wonderâ„¢ Digital Cable Tuner. This comes as an internal card or external peripheral and integrates with Vista Media Center. It runs about $250 either way. However, it can only be attached to PCs certified by CableLabs. This is from an agreement with Microsoft, and requires the system builder to add extra firmware to support DRM.

As you might imagine, this severely limits your choices, mainly to major vendors like Dell, Gateway, and HP. Even then, it is a bear to find them. Dell had it available on the XPS 410. When that was replaced with the XPS 420, the option went away - from all their machines. [Insert 420 joke here.] HP has it on some series like the m9000t and d4995t. Sony has it on the XL3. You’ll see a common theme across vendors, though: it’s only available on their most powerful - and expensive - machines. Makes sense since they have to certify the damn things. The other reason is common in sales: you have to make that extra $500 for two tuners seem reasonable, and it won’t until you’re spending a lot for the PC itself. Wait, did I say two tuners? Ah yes, I did.

Because it gets worse. There are 3 types of CableCARDs:

• SCard, aka single stream card
  It’s a CableCARD 1.0 spec card that can only decode one channel of TV at a time.
• MCard, aka MS-Card, aka multiple stream card
  Also CableCARD 1.0, but can decode up to 6 channels of television at a time
• CableCARD 2.0
  Pretty much mythical at this point, but will offer “interactive” features. More on this later.

Of course, the TV Wonder DCT appears to only support SCards³. This means if you want to record 2 channels at the same time, like my Time Warner-provided Scientific Atlanta Explorer 8300HD can do, you need to buy 2 DCTs and rent 2 CableCards from your cable company.

At $500+ on tuners, I’m starting to consider the Tivo HD:

• Records 2 digital cable streams at once and works with an MCard
• Programmable from the Internet
• Integrates with your PC
  • watch Tivo’d stuff on your PC
  • play PC vids and music on your Tivo
• Works with Rhapsody
• Only costs $300 (plus monthly fees)

But it gets worser. Another thing I can do with my set top box is watch video on demand (VOD) channels. TW gives you many free VOD channels like NBC, Cartoon Network, HBO, BBC America, etc. This is really great when the DVR misses something, or there’s nothing on TV because of, let’s say, a writer’s strike.

Unfortunately, that’s only possible with CableCARD 2.0, which nobody currently supports, not even Tivo. So once again, my $10/month Time Warner DVR seems to be the logical choice.

But it gets worserer. The 30″ displays have the following inputs: DVI-D and… that’s it! To my knowledge, no DVR has DVI-D output, so you can’t add one. And only the 27″ (1920 x 1200) displays accept component, HDMI, etc. A friend suggested Slingbox, but while it can input HD signals, it does not stream anything of high def quality.

[Edit: Ignore the following paragraph and read DoubleDeuce’s comments on HDMI and the 8300HD.]
BTW, the 8300HD does have HDMI output. However, it assumes you’ll be using HMDI for both video and audio, so it cuts off the normal digital audio output⁴. Therefore, if you connect it to a monitor via HDMI, you get no sound or analog sound - your choice! So you either have to connect via component if your monitor supports that, or use this as an excuse to buy a receiver with HDMI switching.

In conclusion, here are your options as I see them:

Big screen, little channels

• 30″ LCD
• existing PC with a graphics card capable of 2560 x 1600
• HD tuner card like the ATI 650⁵
• indoor HD antenna
• basic cable
• forget about digital cable, VOD, HBO, etc.

Big and expensive

• 30″ LCD
• new HTPC with dual DCTs and CableCARDs
• indoor HD antenna
• digital cable and any premium channels you want
• forget about VOD, PPV, etc.
• almost certainly stuck with Vista!

Size doesn’t matter

• 27″ or smaller LCD with HDMI or component inputs
• HD DVR
• indoor HD antenna (if you’re getting a Tivo)
• digital cable and any premium channels you want
• forget about VOD, PPV, etc.
• extra monthly fees for TV listings

Size REALLY matters - buy a friggin’ TV

1. Agent Assassin is relocating for a long term mission in El Segundo, leaving me to find a new place or new housemate [↩]
2. Although there’s precious little worth watching right now [↩]
3. I’m starting to think the S stands for Shitty [↩]
4. Thanks to Agent Doubledeuce for this info. Hopefully a firmware patch has corrected this, but I’m not aware of one. [↩]
5. A feature length article could be written just on OTA and QAM tuner cards. Perhaps I’ll have to write that next. [↩]

So by now you know that Très Bien has been voted off the fantastic Agent Mystery-produced show The Next Great American Band. If you dug their 60s rock, well, you really should be listening to The Zombies or The Yardbirds. But if you’re holding fast to some weird, self-imposed rule that your 60s rock must have been created in the last decade or so, check out The Hentchmen¹. They recently re-released Hentch-Forth.Five featuring Jack White. You can enjoy it without breaking any of your stupid rules.

1. Note the T in the name. Otherwise you’ll find Henchmen, and wonder why I suggested them. [↩]

If you haven’t been watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you’re really missing out. Here are a couple scenes from last week’s episode when the guys formed a band. Listen carefully to the lyrics. Warning: the lyrics and dialogue might not be safe for work.

Night Man

Here’s the follow-up song, Day Man:

Here’s a photo of the original lyrics to Night Man:

If you couldn’t understand the original, here’s a transcription:

Night Man Sneaky And Mean!
Thunder inside my dreams, I think I love you
You make me wanna cry, make me wanna die
I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you night man
Every night you come into my room and pin me down with your strong arms
And ya pin me down and I try to fight you
You come inside and you come inside me and fill me up.

Just two men sharing the night
It might seem wrong but its just right
Its just two men sharing each other
Its just two men like loving brothers
One on top and one on bottom
One inside and one is out
One is screaming he’s so happy
The other screams in a passionate shout
Its the night man
The feeling so wrong and right man
The feeling so wrong and right man
I cant fight you man when you come inside me
You pin me down with your strong hands
And i become the night
The passionate passionate night man

So I’ve been watching the TV show Chuck. I do not, in any way, wish to raise your expectations of this show, which is executive produced by Ally McG. He’s the guy who brought us Charlie’s Angels and Charlie’s Angels 2: Please Make It Stop. Again, this is from a guy who insists on calling himself McG, and looks like [fratboy image removed], so I don’t think I’m stretching it by calling him a douchebag. Feel free to call me a hypocrite; just remember that I didn’t make Charlie’s Angels 2.

But the fact is, I find the show amusing. And I find myself wanting Yvonne Strahovski, like, crazy bad. It doesn’t hurt that they get her into a swimsuit or lingerie or a German barmaid outfit outfit every show, without fail. Sometimes all 3. And they make her wear the barmaid outfit while working at a hot dog place, so clearly their priorities are in the right place (hotness > logic).

Unfortunately, the show’s been on a whole month and I still don’t see her in Maxim, FHM, Barely Legal, etc. So if you don’t mind, I need you to watch the show just to get the ratings up so she’s asked to do some hot pictorials so I can have a background for my Windows desktop. Again, the show is amusing, and it’s gotten better since McGonagall stopped directing it. And she is just so freakin’ adorable…

The fall television schedule is out, and I have done you a big favor and listed the shows you will be watching. I do this out of love.

Sunday
8:00	The Simpsons	(9/23)
8:30	King of the Hill	(9/23)
9:00	The Family Guy	(9/23)
9:30	American Dad	(9/30)
10:00	Curb Your Enthusiasm	(9/9)	The only reason not to cancel HBO, but it’s a pretty great reason. The last season finale looked like a series finale, so this was a pleasant surprise. And the season premier had Larry in top form.
Monday
8:00	Chuck	(9/24)	Looks like The 40 Year Old Virgin meets Alias, but could be a big lump of crap. Not sure yet.
8:30	The Big Bang Theory	(9/24)	2 geeks and a hottie. My guess is that the geek humor won’t be true geek humor, but what an English major with no geeky friends thinks geek humor is. In other words, a vehicle for "normal" people to laugh at geeks. Maybe I’m wrong, but I doubt it.
9:00	Heroes	(9/24)
9:30	Rules of Engagement	(9/24)	Two couples and their single friend (David Spade). Looks kinda funny; hopefully it’s another Just Shoot Me. If you don’t have a way of watching/recording two shows, obviously you’ll have to drop this for Heroes.
10:00	Journeyman	(9/24)	This looks seriously cool, if only because it stars Lucius Vorenus from Rome. And if you haven’t seen Rome, get it on DVD. An incredible $100M+ production, with no shortage of sex, violence, and damn good writing and acting.
Tuesday
8:00	Bones	(9/25)	If you’re short on time, you can skip this. It’s not as cool as X-Files, or as well written as House, but it’s alright.
9:00	House	(9/25)	The season finale was a big "WTF???" so this is highly anticipated. I’m hoping the new staff is filled by any number of out of work TV hotties: Elisha Cuthbert, Catherine Bell, Eliza Dushku, Jeri Ryan, Jolene Blaylock, Lucy Liu, Michelle Trachtenberg, Mila Kunis (voice work doesn’t count), or Laura Prepon. With David Cross playing an analyst-therapist (or analrapist, as they’re known in the medical field).
9:00	Reaper	(9/25)	I initially wrote this off after reading the synopsis: a comedy about a guy who’s parents sold his soul to the devil, so he now has to work for him as a bounty hunter. It’s on the CW, and I was never into Buffy or Angel or Supernatural. But I just found out the pilot is being directed by Kevin Smith, so at least the first episode will be worth watching.
Wednesday
8:00	Pushing Daisies	(10/3)	Jury’s out on this, too. I do like the concept of a guy who can bring back the dead, but only uses that power to pick up some extra cash. It just screams underachiever.
9:00	Bionic Woman	(9/26)
Thursday
8:00	Smallville	(9/27)	Is Lana alive?!? Wait, don’t answer that!
8:00	Scrubs	(10/25)	Final season
8:30	30 Rock	(10/4)	If you weren’t impressed at the start of last season, this got way funnier as the season progressed. And Catrina Bowden is crazy hot.
9:00	The Office	(9/27)
10:00	It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia	(9/13)	Two episode premier!
Friday
8:00	Next Great American Band	(10/19)	Produced and written (the scripted parts, at least) by The Crack Team’s own Agent Mystery! Destined to be the best show on television, winning multiple Emmys and getting all team members of The Crack Team totally laid (details pending, but it will probably involve groupies, mistaken identities, and shenanigans). Click the link to check out the Agent Hulagun-designed MySpace page.
9:00	Moonlight	(9/28)	Alternate title: Count Dracula, Private Eye. Eh, it’s vampires, so I’m in it for the goth chicks.

With so few good shows on television during the summer months, I’ve been looking around for things I’ve missed, especially scanning the “free on demand” features of Time Warner. In doing so, I just discovered Jekyll, a new show on BBC America.

It’s written by Stephen Moffat who brought us Coupling, which I loved until the character Jeff left; then it just wasn’t the same. Jekyll also features Gina Bellman, who played Jane.

Jekyll is nothing like Coupling, however. As you probably guessed from the name, it’s a modern retelling of the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde story. It has the feel of a thriller/conspiracy piece, albeit with some funny lines thrown in (and the ridiculously conspicuous black vans are unintentionally hilarious).

Anyway, it’s rather entertaining so far, even though I think Americans are getting made fun of a bit through the token American character (who I’m pretty sure is a Brit doing an American accent). I’ve only seen 2 episodes, but it looks like there are only 6 and no word of a second season. So think of it as a good miniseries, something to help kill time during the summer months and keep you safe from exercise.

For the Simpsons movie, several 7-11s have been converted to Kwik-E-Marts. Finally, a reason to go to Burbank! And there’s one in LA, too. They’ve got all sorts of cool Simpsons products, like Frosted Krusty-Os, Squishees, Buzz Cola, and doughnuts with pink frosting and sprinkles. If they have half a brain, they’ll stay like that forever. The page for the photo set lists several other locations, so cross your fingers, maybe there’s one in your area of the country.

If you’ve got time to kill, check out the Clark and Michael show. Heard Kevin Smith recommending this on KROQ this morning. It’s Michael Cera from Arrested Development and Clark Duke from, apparently, the apartment next door. Amusing web show peppered with some brilliant lines:

[They] rested their balls on our chins and brushed our teeth with their dicks!

I cannot wait to use that line at work!

AbbyShot is a company that makes replica costumes from famous movies (although not always in an official capacity, judging by the names, or lack thereof). Some interesting stuff. And you don’t have to wonder if you’d look silly in them. AbbyShot uses real scifi geeks as models, removing all guesswork!

If you’re hung up on Uma Thurman (and I know some of you are), you can get the jacket she wore in Kill Bill. They also have Neo’s coat from The Matrix, which looks really cool, but I’m concerned about the response I’d get if I tried to wear it. “Holy shit! Agent Smith ate Neo and stole his coat! You’re dead, you fuckin’ coat stealer!” pummel pummel pummel

No, they’ve got exactly one coat that I could pull off. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

Just saw Flight of the Conchords (HBO show site, band site). Very funny, very creative, and great music. I guess the genre is “digi-folk parody”, but whatever you call it, it’s damn entertaining. Finally, HBO finally has something on Sunday nights that won’t give you a stress-related ulcer.

(If the animation annoys you, just hit Escape.)

Spot-on!

Variety reports on the new NBC schedule.

The good news is that Heroes is back, and they also have a short spin-off called Heroes: Origins. Origins will be six 1-hour shows, each showcasing a new hero we’ve never seen before. At the end of the series, you’ll be able to vote on the web for who you want added to the regular show.

They’re also adding The Bionic Woman, starring some Brit I’ve never heard of. Her name’s Michelle Ryan, and she’s looker, but doesn’t remind you at all of Lindsay Wagner. Still, from this photo, I wouldn’t mind trying out a Sleep Number bed with her:

Gone is Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Boo! And The Black Donnely’s, which I never watched, but would have had I known Paul Haggis was behind it. Oh well.

The rollout of the Apple TV Appliance reminds me of a story I heard when I was a kid. It involved a man from ancient Segovia buying a donkey for his farm in Spain. He bought this highly adorned donkey for an exorbitant amount and was proudly walking it home. When he started taking off the embroidered tackle, he found the unpleasant truth: the beautiful epaulets and head-dress were hiding sightless eyes, the elaborate tassels that reached to the floor were hiding the infection in the rear legs, and the lacquered and shiny saddle was hiding a lame back on the animal.

In the same way, I hope people are not deceived by the beautiful Apple design and ergonomic, logical menus. I hope that they get to examine the crappy video image before they buy. This device succeeds in *downgrading* all image sources to make them easily available anywhere in your house. Wow.

If it’s too late and you’ve already been screwed, go ahead and use the amazing human ability to justify our mistakes. We are really good at this, gauging from the various studies that�show that our satisfaction with a crappy product decreases markedly at first and then actually increases after purchase. I think it’s our attempt to justify our mistakes and say to the world “it’s not really all that bad if you consider……” Same behavior applies to poorly conceived marriages. Be aware; beware. ��

After watching this commercial, there’s no wondering why it was so popular with all the cool kids. Thanks to Agent Assassin for submitting this.

Some Crack Team members will appreciate this.

Some time ago, a survey was conducted to show the poor state of science education among the American Public. They asked the man-on-the-street: If you were on the moon right now, would you be standing on the surface or floating above it??? A large percentage (I forget how many) said ‘floating’ as the answer.

I think most of our CT audience knows the real answer: there is gravity on the moon, so you’d be ’standing’ on the surface.

When the survey showed the man-on-the-streets pictures of the man-on-the-moon astronauts ’standing’ on the surface, a second question was asked: “How is this possible??” The public came up with the classic answer: They are wearing magnetic boots.

Which brings me back to the SuperBowl FedEx advertisement showing an office on the moon, with paper and supplies (and even a dog) floating around. When the scene moves outdoors, we see astronauts ’standing’ on the surface. Sorry folks, you can’t have it both ways. To add insult to injury, one of the astronauts then ‘jumps’ off the surface of the moon into space !!! You need a really low microgravity condition (such as is found on a relatively small asteroid) to do something like that .

I worry for the future of America. Or at least the future of the SuperBowl commercial.

The topic of the Pasadena Rose Parade is far afield from the fare on the CrackTeam (CT) website. But I think there are enough mitigating circumstances to include the Parade in our website this year: George Lucas is the Grand Marshall, Star Wars floats on the road, 501st Stormtrooper garrison marching, CT members working just a couple of blocks from the parade route, Pasadena JPL and its role in the birth of CT, etc. etc.

I have to address one of the cruelest moments in the parade. No, it was not the disgraceful sight of Darth Vader ambling down the street waving at the crowds. Embarrassing. The Lord of the Sith should have more comtempt for the crowds; perhaps he could have pelted them with LucasFilm (TM) merchandise and completed the spectacle.

No, the cruelest moment was the comment made by Bob Eubanks while the U.S. Marine Mounted Color Guard was parading for the cameras. He mentioned that the horses are periodically retired, much like “aging commentators on TV.” He was of course referring to the absence of Stephanie Edwards from the coverage this year. Stephanie is a victim of the ol’ double standard: guys age gracefully and look more distinguished, gals just age. She was probably also experiencing the Star Trek Maxim: a new series (TNG, DS9, Voyager, Enterprise) comes up every few years because the more established actors get paid lots more and expect the salaries to keep on going up every year with a successful series. Stephanie and Bob are probably very expensive to keep, and that’s the first place you cut (according to management).
But this is a prime example of management “not having a clue.”  In TV-Land you are supposed to extract as much viewer interest as you can, for the money you are spending. I would have done a couple of “Farewell” type broadcasts and engaged the audience in that way. Having Stephanie say her goodbyes last year in the pouring rain was just NOT the way to do it. And the bad blood between KTLA and the viewers is not a good thing.

But perhaps Bob was referring to the fact that his option is coming due soon, and that perhaps he would also be let go. That would be a shame. He and Stephanie were a fixture on New Years Day morning and should be accorded some respect. But I’m sure he’ll get the Fond Farewell option (accompanying harp strings and wavering video effects, please).

One final note to KTLA management: if you want to bring the viewers in, please feel free to manipulate us. A “Final Farewell” broadcast with the old commentators would be a ratings hit. And I’d be the first dupe watching. For now, I recommend the ABC local broadcast feed; it’s the best HD feed after the KTLA offering.

Bionic Woman
The show is being redone by the producer/writer team that reinvented Battlestar Galactica. When I first heard about the changes to BSG, I had low expectations (Starbuck a woman???). But it turned out to be a great show. I have a feeling the same thing might happen here. Well, I don’t know if I’ll like it, but I expect to have low expectations after hearing the changes. A Variety article alluded to a reinvention so big, she might not even be a government super-agent. Just, like, a woman with a lot of shit to take care of. If so, not my cup o’ tea.

Bad Judge
Another judge show, but the first I might actually watch. At least once. Why? The judge will be Jon Lovitz, and he’ll be given free reign to preside over real cases. I’ve always liked his stuff - enjoyed his recent standup, liked his SNL characters, and loved The Critic. Let’s see how good he is unscripted.

Entourage: The Later Years
Ok, so that’s not the real name. Entourage creator Doug Ellin is working on a new show that’s supposed to answer the question, “What happens when the Entourage guys grow up?” Except it’s not in Socal, it’s in NY. And, oh yeah, he’s not an actor, he’s a Wall Street trader. The fact is, you don’t want to see a show about Vinnie Chase, day trader. But you wouldn’t mine watching the Wall Street version of Ari Gold - that would make a show.