Renegade points us to NASA’s latest romantic endeavors. From The Onion, so use headphones at work.
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Website Funny or Die posted their top 10 “must see” videos of 2009. 3 of these videos are actually must see, so I’m including them here:
Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: lindsay lohan, natalie portman, rachel bilson, zach galifianakis
Time for a little break. So much going on at work, you tend to stay away from TV, movies and popular culture. But those who are blessed with a job1, however tenuously, should take a break and thank the Power-That-Be for the people responsible for these humorous asides:
Sarah Palin does a pretty credible job getting back at our old friend William Shatner. If Bill’s reaction is genuine surprise at her sudden appearance, then I am even more impressed with Bill’s acting abilities !! Someone really, really needs to get him in the Star Trek sequel quickly, before he joins Scotty and Bones in the big Starship in the Sky.
Oh, and by the way. Bill is a Canadian actor taking valuable Hollywood jobs away from US citizens. Can someone get the immigration problem in this country corrected? Too many Canadians are coming down to take our high-paying white-collar jobs in this country. Forget the Mexican border; folks down there are coming to take the lesser-paying jobs and will not affect your six-figure, professional position. It’s the Canadians that are the problem. And they look just like you and me so that they are harder to find and deport.
However, good going Conan. You are so good at this that I may start watching the Tonight Show again. I stayed away for the last 15 or so years, but I think the Show is in good, capable hands again. Can anyone tell me what happened to Triumph, the Insult Dog?2
Finally, I just have to mention this item that I read in the news about poor Tiger Woods. No more jokes, this is serious. Here’s the excerpt in the news from one of his supporters:
“One thing people don’t understand is that we’re human,” Heat guard Dwyane Wade said in Miami. “You’re not born with a menu on how not to do things wrong. You’re going to make mistakes like every human being.”
Actually Dwyane, there is a menu that you were given when you were small. It’s called The Bible. Sure it’s old and seemingly out-of-date or out-of-touch. It’s as old as Humanity, and it does seem to be in touch with the foibles and peccadillos that affect all of us, all of the time, since the beginning of time. I don’t think Mr. Woods is the first person that has ever cheated on his wife; plenty of those stories in the Bible. You may want to crack it open one of these days.
Or it will say 15 minutes longer for 20 minutes straight, then be done.
Tags: xkcd
I was reading Fashion tips for women from a guy
who knows dick about fashion (NSFW), which is quite funny and true and cruel and still relevant, sadly. He attacks Crocs and “tittie curtains” and various other fashion trends, a few of which are (thankfully) rarely seen today (it was written in ‘07). I thought I’d add to his work of scholarship.
First, I will echo his plea that women with low self esteem shouldn’t read this. Heck, any woman who knows me shouldn’t read this. But if you’ve got low self esteem, close your browser and go spend some quality time with someone who loves you for you. Really.
Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: fashion
Crude, but funny. Saucy language (although the pictures are rated G), so I’m putting them after the jump. Click here see more and send them, post to Facebook, etc.
I hadn’t been keeping up with my Strongbad emails, but I was running out of nonproductive ways to procrastinate so I thought I’d catch up a little. Anyway, I thought his take on the state of independent/indie films today was pretty spot on.
ly evil.
Lately it seems every reference to wrongdoing is now compared to Hitler or at least one of his actions. It’s especially seen on the news. People believe that their point won’t be realized unless the reader/viewer comes to terms with the following:
If you disagree with me, you are pretty much a Nazi.
and it works. “I don’t want to be like Hitler! So I agree with you!”
Hitler. The go-to bad guy, king of the unholy.
Did he set the bar or what?
Osama Bin Ladin is like “helloooo, I’m blowing things up here! Compare something to me!”
Even Satan’s sighing “You know… once everyone blamed ME for all the evil in the world.”
Dude. Hitler gased and cooked millions of innocents, wanted to take over as much of the world as possible, and got much of his country to agree with his actions. Wow!
When it came to charisma, this dude rolled an 18 for sure.
Sorry Satan, but anything short of armageddon ain’t going to outshine Hitler’s life. Stop dancing around in that lame red ensemble, drop the pitchfork and get to work.
And Osama, look at you! at least Hilter knew the importance of grooming. Hitler was married to Eva Braun. She was hot!
Come on Osama. Hanging out in caves plotting with other men day after day, does nothing for your image.
All I’m saying is, when it came to evil, Hitler turned it up to eleven.
Hitler is to bad
like
golf balls are to hail.
Without him, there’d be no decent reference.
You gotta respect a guy for giving it his all.
Like it or not. He’s immortal.
Scaring misbehaving cats is hilarious. Using a bunch of technology to do it is even better. Be sure to check out the last video (dated 10-17). Hat tip to Masterchief.
For you space buffs out there:
(Note: Google Reader isn’t displaying the video, so click through to the site if you don’t see anything below.)
So I can’t say that any former lovers, who ripped out my heart and ate it in front of me, have tried to friend me on Facebook. At least one girl I gave the brush-off to over and over has tried, but I can’t blame her - who could resist this pile of manliness? But I have had a couple people who I never got along with send a request. I keep thinking, “We never liked each other, we haven’t spoken in almost 2 decades - why are you trying to connect?”
Kate Miller-Heidke puts this sentiment in song, and much more eloquently than I have:
Tags: facebook, music video
From Seann William Scott (and probably NSFW):
Tags: iphone, seann william scott, video
One is a prominent Latina female. The other is trying to get into the Supreme Court. You be the judge as to who will have a longer lasting effect on the American people.
VS. 
My vote is with Zoe. She is from the Dominican Republic and is a living embodiment of the richness of African culture that came to the Caribbean and still influences the culture there. And she looks extremely hot in the Starfleet issue miniskirt and booties. A worthy successor to the lovely Communications Officer, Lt. Nichelle Nichols, and I believe Zoe speaks fluent Spanish.
On the other hand, we have an outspoken, intelligent Latina female, Sonia Sotomayor. She has been called a “racist” by the right-wing but I do not concur. From her isolated comments, I make her out to be more of a mysandrist1 But she is going into a Supreme Court slot that is being vacated by another liberal-leaner, Justice Souter, so her positions2 should not make much of a difference in upcoming court decisions. She will be outspoken, though, so it will be nice to hear a strident counterpoint to the pontificating statements of conservative Justice Scalia.
My score:
Zoe Saldana (1) for a fantastic Star Trek franchise debut.
Sonia Sotomayor (-1) for inflamatory statements that were issued when she was not open to micro-scrutiny as she is now. Once she gets coronated as a Justice, I’ll reset her at (0). I’ll give her (+2) rightaway if she trounces Scalia at the weekly Supreme Court Poker game. 3
Bill Hader’s impersonation of a creepy Keith Morrison from Dateline kills me. I’ve never seen Keith Morrison, but I would watch his segments if he acted like this. The second video has Tracy Morgan as a serial killer.
Tags: bill hader, snl, tracy morgan, video
Damn Transforminators! You’ll get my sand when you take it from my cold, dead hands!
Tags: video
Dr. Ronald Chevalier, author of all 10 Cyborg Harpies trilogies, invites you to his web sanctum. I especially enjoyed his pre-pubescent works in the gallery. Here are some videos to better prepare yourself for Dr. Chevalier’s unique style. Remember, always protect your precious seed.
The Art of Relaxating
The Art of Inspiring Oneself
Louis CK on Conan O’Brien, once again proving he’s one of our greatest comedians.
Tags: conan o'brien, louis ck, video
Caution: none of these links are safe for work. One has a photo of RuPaul. Be safe.
Christian Bale recently got, um, peeved, when the DP ruined another scene on the set of Terminator 4 by walking through it. Not one to waste such great material from a talented artist, music producer Lucian Piane turns lemons into lemonade. By which I mean he turns profanity into a club hit.
You can download the Bale Out MP3 here.
Tags: christian bale, music video
I have studied Japanese and eaten at many, many Japanese/sushi restaurants, yet I learned several new things from this video:
I’ve been hearing radio commercials for something called Flirting With Forty starring Heather Locklear. It is, unsurprisingly, a Lifetime movie. According to the commercials, Locklear plays a lonely single mom who just turned 40 (even though Locklear is 47). While on vacation, she meets a much younger guy who’s all over her. Apparently, in Lifetime movies, this is how guys in their late 20’s think:
She’s 13 years older than me AND she’s got kids? Sounds a little too good to be true. There’s gotta be a catch! But I’ll stick with her and show her complete devotion until the other shoe drops. Seriously, though, how can she be single? Her husband must’ve died hours ago…
Lifetime is the female equivalent of the Spice Channel.
While I’m being lazy and just posting videos, here’s another great one featuring Bill Hader and John Malkovich. And yes, Malkovich does sound like that.
Tags: bill hader, john malkovich, snl, video
I finally saw the last SNL and the highlight was the Lonely Island music video Jizz In My Pants. Not terribly safe for most corporate environments, but the funniest video since Dick In A Box. This one stars Andy Samberg and Lonely Island cohort Jorma Taccone, with cameos from Justin Timberlake, Molly Sims, and Jamie-Lynn Sigler. I guess she’s in NYC visiting Turtle.
Also worth checking out are these tips on talking to girls, offered by a 9 year old. They were startlingly accurate:
If you liked those, check out these other Lonely Island and SNL videos.
Tags: andy samberg, jaime-lynn sigler, jorma taccone, justin timberlake, lonely island, molly sims, music video, nbc, snl, video
Wherein we suffer through the personal ads so you don’t have to. The phrases are all from personal ads; the translations are mine. Feel free to add or amend.
Sensitive: Will cry at the drop of a hat.
Upbeat: Takes antidepressants.
Healthy: Herpes in remission.
Lonely: Needy.
Smart: Doesn’t use hairspray in pits, brush with KY Jelly.
Intelligent: Can and will misquote Shakespeare for all occasions.
Sleepless In…: Has seen too many Nora Ephron movies to be trusted.
Romantic: Spend lots, spend often, or else.
Enjoys Finer Things In Life: And you thought “Romantic” was expensive.
Spiritual: Will latch onto every New Age trend du jour; owns extensive self-help library. Has crystals collecting dust atop Celestine Prophecy in closet.
Sincere: Self-absorbed as hell, but coated in a veneer of “caring.” Makes eye contact, nods appreciatively. Big whoop.
Serious Replies Only: Marry me, or else. These are the people who, after a one-night stand, will tearfully exclaim, “But I thought we were going to get married!” Read the rest of this entry »
The trick with fortune cookies and horoscopes is that they are vague enough to shoehorn the specifics of your life to match them, whatever those specifics may be. It occurred to me that Internet dating profiles are the same way. She says she’s looking for someone who’s fun and has a great sense of humor and likes to travel. That pretty much narrows it down to “human”. Everyone thinks reasonably well of themselves, otherwise they’re not posting a public profile.
Even the part that lists specific requirements like age and height and body type are squinted at until they match the reader. She wants someone no older than 40, but she’s 38, so the 47 year old man thinks, “I’m good enough” (and if she has kids, he’s right). He wants someone of average or slender build and she thinks, “Why, that’s what I put on my profile!” Um, yeah, about that.
Dating profiles are sales brochures and daters are used car salesmen. Honesty is out the window because it would never get you anywhere. If I lived in a world where honesty was rewarded instead of punished, here is the profile I would write:
Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: dating
I’m at Best Buy with my kids looking for a DVD for a show called “The PJ’s”. Does anyone remember this show?
I remember loving it, but not too many details because it wasn’t on for more than a few seasons.
So I ask the chick working in the DVD section, “Do you have a DVD for ‘The PJ’s’?”.
She answers with a glossy look.
“The PJ’s? On Fox? Couldn’t have been more than ten years ago???”
This is when my world comes crashing down around me as I realize that the 20-year-old standing in front of me would more easily remember her trip to the petting zoo when she was 10, than what was on prime time television a decade ago.
Dang it, “Let’s go to the computer and check inventory so at least you don’t think I’m crazy.” She types in PJ’s, but the closest thing that comes up is PJ Harvey. “No not that. Type in Eddie Murphy.”
Coming to America, Raw, Shrek no no no. What the *uck?
I leave Best Buy feeling like a crazy old fool.
At home I immediately searched the web. Yep, I’m not crazy. Ran for 40 episodes. Won Three Emmys. and…. no DVDs were produced for the series. Come again? Emmy award winning series and no DVDs are out?
Turns out there is some legal despute or some nonsense preventing a DVD release. Equally vague is the reason for a top rated series getting canceled. It ranges from Eddie Murphy clashes with Fox/WB to high production costs.
Either way I felt like returning to Best Buy with this information just to show them I’m not an idiot.
Bottom line: Have a 20-year-old train in the Nickelodeon and MTV section first, before giving her run of the entire TV DVD section. Thank god I wasn’t looking for a season of M*A*S*H. “oooh my grandpa told me about that show! Right this way, sir.”
I’ve received an automated notification that if I don’t contribute to the blog soon, I risk losing my rank as “commander”. I sure as hell don’t want to be demoted to a measly “admiral”.
Truth is I didn’t think I had anything relevant or topical to add lately, but that is unfair to the crackteam organization. There’s always something relevant if you think hard enough!
THREE THINGS I’VE LEARNED ABOUT MY WIENER THIS YEAR.
number1
No matter how sure you are you didn’t get any on your hands, never “handle yourself” after using Ben-Gay.
While not completely uninteresting, the cooling sensation will last for hours. It can be especially uncomfortable in the winter.
number2
No matter how careful you think you are, never use your crotch to secure your drilling site.
Sounds like an obvious one, yet there I was holding vinyl shutters on top of my legs while sitting on my front steps. I drilled about 20 holes before it happened.
As soon as I broke through, the drill bit drove into my pants and twisted up everything on it’s way down. While not breaking skin, I still had to reverse the drill to release the tool from my tool all while trying to maintain the look of “nothing to see here. I know what I’m doing” because the only thing worse than drilling through your crotch is looking like a fool to the neighborhood.
Moving on…
Number3
Sometimes it’s best to sit when you pee.
Follow with me here. It’s a complicated one.
I was trying to remove some stickers from a control panel. They are stuck on using a permanent sticky glue. It’s worse than sap when it gets on your hands. It’s meant to stick to anything and I had gotten some of it on my fingers.
Later I had to pee, so there I was standing over the toilet after I was done with the stickers. I pulled my johnson out long enough to make sure the aim was correct, then tried to let go. I TRIED to let go. But I wasn’t letting go. The glue was forcing me to maintain hold of… myself and I ended up spraying all over the walls of the “executive” bathroom while trying to shake myself free. So a 30 second wizz turned into a 15 minute scrub down.
Well that’s it for now. I’ll be sure to get back to you next year when I learn all kinds of great new things about my wiener.
Bonn, 2008.
The 12 game 2008 World Chess Championship match is between Viswanathan Anand of India, the titleholder, and challenger Vladimir Kramnik of Russia, a former World Champion, who beat Kasparov in a 16 game match 8 years ago.
After two draws at the start, Anand won game 3, and after another draw, won two in a row, and leads, 4 1/2 to 1 1/2. It was referred to as “a major tragedy in the making” by one of the German commentators.
Up to about 15 years ago, these matches were for 24 games. The shorter length makes it more difficult to catch up after losing a few early games. This is because of the high percentage of draws in chess at the grandmaster level.
Vladimir is sounding discouraged, talking about just winning one game, before considering his chances of winning the match.
Tragedy or comedy? That is the question.
The writers here at CrackTeam.org gave it some thought. The tasteless result is below.
Read at your own risk. You have hereby been warned.
* * *
“Ladies and Gentlemen: at the Bonn Chess Comedy Club, from the USA, let’s welcome our guest comedian!”
“Hey, it’s great to be here. Thanks for the welcome. Wow! Thanks for the applause. Thank you.”
“Yeah! A great audience! Thank you, thank you!
“All right! Thank you. Thank you!”
“Hey! If you love me before I even open my mouth, how do I know it’s not just PHYSICAL?”
Th-boomp.
“Bonn’s a crazy town. I came in here, thinking that the big match was too SHORT. The way Kramnik feels right now, he’s thinking the match is too LONG!”
Tags: 2008, anand, chess, kramnik, world chess championship
Quite a title for this article, but it really makes sense. Trust me.
I was listening to the soundtrack for the Broadway show “Wicked.” It is based on the premise that the Wicked Witch of the West was really not evil, just a misunderstood soul. Wow. They are taking one of the iconic evil figures from literature and giving her a second look, an alternate-universe history that makes her, well, nice1. And that’s not right.
Taking this alarming trend to its pinnacle, could it be far behind for Hitler to make a comeback??
(NOTE: the following are satirical comments. Do not mistake them for reality; they are just an artifice to make a point. That is how satire works.)
After all, Hitler was really nice to his dogs. And he did put all of the German people back to work on that really cool roadway, the Autobahn. Did I mention that he created the Volkswagen?? That picture of Hitler and his gang of killers parading around on a convertible Wolkswagen has got to be the coolest, most disturbing image of the war. 2 So except for the 6 million people he killed, Hitler was a really nice guy. Really.
(NOTE: the satire has now ended. Back to reality.)
But we all know that the winners of a war write the history books, so they can adjust the facts to suit themselves. There are many instances of Allied atrocities in WW2 that should have been tried as war crimes. I am thinking of the conventional bombing of the German city of Dresden, or the firebombing of Japanese cities. The latter killed a whole lot more people than the atomic bombings at Hiroshima and Nagasaki (better left for some other article). But a lot of terrible things happen during a war; it’s just distasteful to try to justify them as being necessary for a greater good. It’s so much more honest to say what is really inside: the enemy is inhuman and we’re scared sh*tless; we need to kill as many of them as possible before the war ends. Afterwards, we have to go back to being human beings and play nice again. Or whatever passes for “nice” between bellicose nations.
So back to the Wicked Witch of the West. The play does a good job turning the Oz universe on its head. As with many revisionist works, there are problems with it, since it changes a couple of really key points that clash with the world that Frank L. Baum created. Similar to those Star Wars prequels that cannot exist in the same universe as the original Star Wars movies. But these are nits, and you can still enjoy the Wicked concept if you ignore them. Just don’t expect me to change my worldview: The witch is still evil. (Don’t forget, she did try to kill Dorothy. And her little dog, too.)
Time to set the record straight: whatever, whichever politician said that gas prices are not coming down was right. Offshore drilling is a good idea, but it will not bring gas prices down.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m all for drilling for oil in our own backyards. When I first moved out to California, I was enchanted by all of those oil derricks pumping, pumping away in the beautiful hills of Huntington Beach, down along the beach paths and even on the beach dunes themselves. It made California look like the golden El Dorado that I had always imagined: golden roads lined with cool-looking cars and all of the oil we needed right under our feet. And yes, I was also expecting bikini-clad girls to pump my gas and sell me my milk from those roadside milk stands (I saw pictures of this put out by the Orange County Chamber of Commerce). I’m sure the girls and the pumping action of the derricks was some sort of Freudian juxtaposition that made me drive out to California all the faster.
So why don’t I support the drilling now?? Because once the oil is out of the ground, it is immediately put out on the international market where China can bid on it, along with every other gas-thirsty country that is finally making its way out of the Third World. We would be competing with them for our own gas. And make no mistake about it: it’s our gas. It is coming out on nationally-owned areas (offshore or the ANWR in Alaska) and the oil companies are getting a low-risk, fantastic return on investment. If that is the case, they can afford to lose a little bit of profit by selling that gas DOMESTICALLY, ONLY. Does that sound socialistic, the first hints of nationalized gas production?? You bet your sweet light-crude that it does!! But if you’re going to drill in my backyard, and I own the land and mineral rights, you have better pay me off by at least selling me the oil at a domestically-competitive price.
But I’m also realistic. Using oil to power our cars is a technological dead-end. With all of the Chinese, Indian, Polish, Russian, etc. etc. economies finally coming out of the Dark Ages and increasing the number of privately owned cars, we are going to be running out of oil soon (peak oil production). So where’s my nuclear-powered car?? If all of those Disney documentaries in the 1950’s promised plenty of energy in the future, how come I have to use my bicycle to go to the library and to the store??
The anwer of course is that we can’t trust the average person to drive a quarter of critical mass around in their engines, waiting for some terrorist to figure out that (4) times (1/4) equals (1). Boom. And I can hardly imagine the bad traffic created when the radioactive cleanup team cleans up the pieces from your average 4 accidents per freeway per day.
We need to use nuclear power to generate the electricity to provide the hydrogen to run the cars. Simple enough, please give me my new-model 2010 hydrogen-fueled SUV. In Earth-Friendly Green, of course. And feel free to stick as many oil-sucking straws in the California Offshore until then.
What if Michael Bay wrote the screenplay for The Dark Knight? A hilarious exploration on what that would look like. It’s uncannily - and sadly - spot on.
So, my friend is running a half marathon for the American Stroke Association. I go to the donor form, which begins with the greatest list of titles I’ve ever seen:
I can’t tell you how hard it is not to choose Admiral or Bishop, but of course all agents of The Crack Team have the title Commander (abbreviated above as both Cdr. and CDR!). Still, I can think of a few they missed:
Read the rest of this entry »
I thought this was hilarious. It reminded me of when MST3K provided translated lyrics for the Jet Jaguar theme song. And in looking for the lyrics for that, I found the original. Ain’t YouTube great? Here’s both:
Tags: music video, video
Just a quick recommendation for two hilarious HBO comedy specials: Dave Attell: Captain Miserable and Louis CK - Shameless. Attell’s special just aired and will be in reruns for a while. Shameless came out almost a year ago, but I think it’s still available on HBO On Demand. If not, you can rent it on DVD.
I’m not sure I’d call this filthy comedy, but after watching them you’ll never look at whale semen or duck vaginas in the same light… On second thought, it’s filthy.
I’ve been really enjoying the web comic DM of the Rings by Shamus Young. It tells the tale of a dungeon master leading a group of typical players on a Dungeons & Dragons adventure based on Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings. Only the players have never heard of LOTR, much less MERP1.
Yes, a little far fetched considering D&D stole heavily from LOTR, and I can’t imagine a gamer who hasn’t seen the LOTR movies. But no matter, the comic is very funny, and the actions of the players are uncannily similar to every group I’ve ever gamed with.
The real ingenuity is that it’s “illustrated” using only screencaps from the films with some occasional Photoshopping. The looks on the characters’ faces is often priceless. By the time you’re halfway through the series, you’ll be convinced Viggo Mortensen went through the whole trilogy with a blank stare.
- I actually owned MERP some years ago, but never got around to playing it, or meeting anyone else who had. [↩]
Some are calling Seinfeld arrogant for this, but I find it pretty hilarious. Of course, I am arrogant, and I have nowhere near the success he has.
If you haven’t been watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you’re really missing out. Here are a couple scenes from last week’s episode when the guys formed a band. Listen carefully to the lyrics. Warning: the lyrics and dialogue might not be safe for work.
Night Man
Here’s the follow-up song, Day Man:
Here’s a photo of the original lyrics to Night Man:
If you couldn’t understand the original, here’s a transcription:
Night Man Sneaky And Mean!
Thunder inside my dreams, I think I love you
You make me wanna cry, make me wanna die
I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you night man
Every night you come into my room and pin me down with your strong arms
And ya pin me down and I try to fight you
You come inside and you come inside me and fill me up.
Just two men sharing the night
It might seem wrong but its just right
Its just two men sharing each other
Its just two men like loving brothers
One on top and one on bottom
One inside and one is out
One is screaming he’s so happy
The other screams in a passionate shout
Its the night man
The feeling so wrong and right man
The feeling so wrong and right man
I cant fight you man when you come inside me
You pin me down with your strong hands
And i become the night
The passionate passionate night man
Great tribute to a classic PC game.
Tags: video, video games
Here are the wedding announcements of some hilariously named couples. For the sake of their kids, they should never hyphenate them. Of course, I wouldn’t complain too much if my last name was “Best-Lay”.
If you’ve got time to kill, check out the Clark and Michael show. Heard Kevin Smith recommending this on KROQ this morning. It’s Michael Cera from Arrested Development and Clark Duke from, apparently, the apartment next door. Amusing web show peppered with some brilliant lines:
[They] rested their balls on our chins and brushed our teeth with their dicks!
I cannot wait to use that line at work!
Tags: michael cera
Here’s a humorous riff on Marvel’s movie obsession. If you read (between the lines of) Variety, you know that Marvel’s got so many movies in the works because former head Avi Arad has a serious producer fantasy. Probably from watching too much Entourage. Of course, it’s fairly common among captains of industry; same thing goes for other Mark Cuban and Jeff Skoll. Just become a billionaire and all your wildest entertainment industry dreams will come true. In a way, it’s the modern American equivalent of rich European merchants and land owners buying a royal title. Producer, Lord - it’s all the same thing. I haven’t seen anyone buy themselves a writer or director title, so I plan to be the first. Hopefully, it’s cheaper than producer.
Rod would like you to know that this is not a test.
Thanks to Agent Mystery for the forward. There’s more at Stuntman Forever, but this is by far the best one. And it’s safe for work.
Tags: andy samberg, video
Spot-on!
Tags: ricky gervais, video
Amusing animation about your desktop after hours. I loved the ending.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=eqh5O9LbjhY
A Crackteam agent sent me this link from YouTube and I HAD to share it for a good laugh.
It’s a rap video montage of clips from the movies of Weng Weng [from IMDb], and music stylings from The Chuds [from MySpace]. The collaboration was edited and produced by John R. of the R Room. It’s taken a couple views to really appreciate it since my attention during the first round went to the visuals and camera tricks. But the lyrics to the soundtrack song, “Weng Weng Overture,” are equally entertaining. They can be read at The Chuds MySpace page.
I’m a little late to the phenomenon of Weng Weng [from WikiPedia], but of all the Kung Fu and spy spoofs I’ve seen his look to be the most entertaining. Films credits include “For Y’ur Height Only” and “The Impossible Kid”, which received 8/10 stars on IMDb from 50 dedicated voters. There’s even a drink named after him, called the Weng Weng. Well, that may be a false claim but it should be true.
Tags: music video
Thanks to Agent Masterchief for submitting this:
Some Crack Team members will appreciate this.
Tags: monty python, star trek, video
So I was in Lonestar steakhouse, waiting for my order and I had this wonderful thought:
Christians use the cross as a symbol of Christ. What would we have used if he was hanged? Would we all worship a noose?
Instead of performing the devotional gesture of a cross on our chests, we’d have to trace a hand around our neck and pull up on an imaginary rope with our tongue sticking out.
Good thing they didn’t have the electric chair back then. It would make for some horrible looking necklaces.
In closing, if I were a great man, and died by stepping on a land mine, please don’t worship the thing that killed me. Just worship me.
(Also, no statues or artwork depicting the moment I was blown to bits. Thanks.)
My latest videos are up on Youtube.
No more child abuse stuff. If anything I’m the one being abused.
They just don’t teach this stuff in “daddy” school.
Power Rangers:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_IBy8GC_JzE
Drama Queen II:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_ztZ1k46IY
While watching 24 (season 5), I came up with a new TV warning:
Due to some graphic violence, this show will be completely awesome.
I only hope the networks don’t overuse it.
Here’s a very funny audio clip of comedian Tom Mabe freaking out a telemarketer.
I haven’t watched South Park in about 8 years, but last night I was flipping through channels and stopped dead on what I thought was some sort of game demo.
Turns out it was a South Park episode all about the game “World of Warcraft” and since I know some Crack Team members are into this, I had to watch it. Much of the episode includes actual gameplay.
The story line goes: There is this high level player going around killing characters for no reason. I guess that normally characters have to accept a duel before risking their characters’ lives? Well this guy is such a high level that he overrides this rule.
The staff at Blizzard Entertainment is worried because the guy can “kill” administrators’ characters, so even they can’t stop him.
Cartman and the gang figure that if they spend every waking hour for months on end (in hiding) they might reach a level high enough for the four of them to defeat him.
Can the gang of four, with the help of Stan’s dad(a noob) and Blizzard’s banned “Sword of a Thousand Truths”, defeat the serial killer?
Quotes from the show:
Blizzard staff: What kind of person would do this?
Blizzard President: Only one kind. Whoever this player is, he has played World of Warcraft nearly every hour of every day for the past year and a half. Gentlemen, we are dealing with someone here who… had absolutely no life.
Blizzard staff: How do you kill… that which has no life?
[think about that for a minute]
Blizzard staff: There are over seven million people who log on to World of Warcraft! Are you telling me all those people’s characters are going to die, and there’s nothing we can do to save them?
Blizzard President: Yes. And it won’t be long before everyone gets really really frustrated and stops playing altogether. Gentlemen, this could very well lead to the end of the World…… (of Warcraft).
Cartman:[Trying to convince others to join his cause.] If you had a chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, wouldn’t you do it? I mean, I personally wouldn’t stop him because I think he was awesome, but you would, right?
Tags: blizzard, video games
I been encouraged to post this clip of my daughter Haylee, everywhere I can.
It probably won’t “hit home” unless you have kids of your own. Otherwise, it may help you avoid having kids altogether.
I took this video about five months ago, shortly after her 5th birthday, to show what we go through dressing our daughter.
Here’s the rundown:
Haylee thinks the matching shirt is too big for the pants “Mommy brought me the biggest one of all!”
The pants are on too tight, pressing against her so that she can’t push her belly out. Yet if loosened one notch, they are too loose because she can see her underwear. So indead she wants to wear a “Trina” which is her word for “dress”.
Enjoy my torment:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJpl-RN_ji4
The second clip I have to offer is a movie titled “A man, A Desk and A Dream.”
It’s me at work, being stupid.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FY-108FoeEM
Masterchief submitted a fantastic video from Weird Al, rapping White and Nerdy. There have been others who’ve explored nerd-core, which is a sort of running in-joke for nerds, but in rap form. Most of it is simply OK - amusing lyrics, but mediocre skillz. The quality of Weird Al’s stuff is far superior, but let’s face it - it’s a parody. He doesn’t come up with the original music. Nonetheless, this may be considered the archetypal nerd-core track.
Tags: music video
There’s a moral to this story. And it’s hilarious.
Masterchief recently pointed me towards Penny Arcade, a gamer-oriented online comic strip. They’ve also started the Penny Arcade Expo (PAX), an alternative to E3 for consumers (E3 are being dicks about letting in non-industry types). I was going to hit Seattle until air fares skyrocketed, which I am against. Anyway, the strip is pretty hilarious, here are some I liked:
My thoughts on pineapple pizza exactly
D&D online misadventures
She knows what you’ve been watching
I’m pretty sure Blizzard doesn’t need to do this, with their license to print crack
On the benefits of manga
Why I still feel self-righteous about quitting WOW
Fun at Fry’s?
An accurate portrayal of WOW’s patch distribution
What are friends for?
Tags: blizzard, comics, d&d, video games
I wish we all had this kind of an outlet for our opinions.
August 2013 = White history month!
So here’s the deal.
My wife works as a technician at a veterinary hospital.
It is owned by a couple.
A couple of guys.
They are married.
To each other.
They ONLY hire gay doctors as apart of their staff. (OK actually there is ONE straight guy in the staff, but I bet he wasn’t hired for his ABILITY!)
Found another goofy, funny voiceover video on Josh Rehman’s blog. This one covers the scene in Lord of The Rings where Frodo wakes up and everyone comes to visit. We finally learn what they’re saying! Safe for work. I think.
It Should Be Outlawed: Men who not only undo their zipper, but also the button and belt on their pants when using a urinal. If you’re over 10 and you have to pull up your pants after taking a leak, you’re doing something wrong. You should’ve figured that out around the time you gained enough coordination to wipe yourself. And I’m seeing engineers do this, for Pete’s sake! It ain’t rocket surgery!
This goofy video has apparently been circulating long enough to get a nod in X-Men: The Last Stand (don’t worry, no spoilers). Basically, it’s a bunch of guys recording their own audio track for one of those ’90s era X-Men cartoons. It’s not safe for work, due to profanity. Obviously the cartoon is safe to watch, so I guess it’s fine if you’ve got earphones.
Apparently Gary Trudeau is having a reader poll to decide which tech school the character Alex Doonesbury (female) should attend. It’s down to Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (aka, RPI, and my alma mater), MIT, and Cornell. I have to say, I thought long and hard before selecting RPI. Why would I wish that on anyone, even if they are fictional?
     The fact is, I felt I got a solid education. And it was a top 10 engineering school when I went there, but it’s reputation has slipped significantly to #37. [1] 37??? And it’s behind schools we would have laughed at 10-15 years ago. Now, a lot of people call the US News rankings a bunch of hooey, and they’re probably right, but it does have a big impact on who applies, and who recruits there (or at least their level of effort). So if you put any stock into them, you see a lot of schools ranked higher that do not have brutal winters, or a 4:1 guy:girl ratio. Some people would look down their noses at me for considering those to be important factors, and those people have one thing in common: no penis! Because both of those things make your penis smaller! No self-respecting guy would argue against warm weather and hot girls, both of which RPI has very little of.
     So where do you go for an undergrad engineering/science education? I’ll assume you can’t get into some uber-school like MIT, Stanford, CalTech, Princeton, etc. Only because you can’t. Sure, you could have if you didn’t slack off, but you did, and there’s nothing you can do about it now. [2] That still leaves a couple good places. Here’s how to pick one:
Avoid winter. “But Archangel, I like to ski and/or snowboard!” Ha! Ha! I say. You’re going to school for a hard subject, don’t make it harder by having to risk hypothermia and fatal car accidents to get to class. And freezing cold weather is exactly the excuse girls are waiting for to gain 20+ pounds, cover it all up with bulky clothes, and come to class sans makeup (and perhaps showering).
Find a good ratio. Classes in your major will be dominated by guys. Pick the wrong school, and all your classes are dominated by guys. Sure, this is an excellent tactic for girls, as they’ll get lavished with attention, which makes them stuck up. But you’re probably not a girl, and you probably don’t want to compete with 3 other guys for some stuck up girl who’s not even that good looking (but will seem gorgeous to you 8 weeks into the semester). If you need need further encouragement, let me introduce you to the “RPI scale”, as in, “She’s an 8 on the RPI scale.” Remember, the scale is from 1-10, and you’re picky and don’t want anyone less than a 6 (statistically, better than average). So now only half the women are eligible, making the ratio 8:1. Most importantly, the selection is further limited by girls who got into a top engineering school! That really slides the scale by at least a couple points, making 30% of the girls physically attractive to you. Which makes the true ratio 40:3! Until 8 weeks into the semester of course, when it magically goes down to 4:1.
Check the recruiter rating. Unfortunately, US News only lists this for graduate schools, but it’s probably good enough. Even when RPI’s overall rating was sliding towards Hades, it’s recruiter ranking was excellent. Because recruiters know RPI grads work so damn hard in school, that work in the real world seems like a vacation to them. So you outwork everybody in the company and are happy about it, because - shh! - don’t tell anyone, but you’re slacking off bigtime! If you’re majoring in a pure science like math, bio, chem, physics, psych, etc., you HAVE to get a PhD. Therefore, the Peer Assessment Score is probably a better indicator of your chances of getting into a good grad school.
That’s about it. While it’s cool to be near a big city like LA or DC, it probably has more distractions than you need (esp. if you took my advice regarding ratio). Since you’re going to do well in school, cost isn’t much of a factor, either. You’ll make enough to pay that back without much effort. Unless, of course, you’re going to slack off in college, too.
Oh yeah, if you haven’t already, please vote for RPI. If only to see Trudeau’s take on the RPI experience. That Alex, she’s at least an 8 on the RPI scale.
[1] For graduate engineering. I got an undergrad degree, but they only ranked grad schools back then, so this is an apples to apples comparison.
[2] Nobody says this in the brochures, but it is much easier to transfer into a top school then get accepted during HS. It is a simple, 3-step process: 1) Do good in HS, but not awesome, 2) Do awesome (perfect GPA) your freshman year of college, 3) Apply to top school with essay explaining why you’re suddenly working at your “true potential”, like a learning disability, abusive home life, or you simply weren’t challenged. The last excuse probably isn’t even fraud, and gives you the “I just want to go to a school that will really challenge me” Ivy League pickup line. You’ll probably be less challenged, but you’re not looking for challenges, otherwise you could’ve gotten in straight from HS. If this sounds like something you want to do, ignore all my other advice and simply attend the best ranked school you can get into, so the jump to Harvard isn’t too much of a stretch. A good friend at RPI did exactly that (4.0 GPA got him into Harvard and McGill, and he chose McGill). Truth be told, if I had known that was an option, I would have done exactly that. Who doesn’t want a Harvard diploma?
A little dated, but here is a matrix that says it all (circa 1997).
All references to “Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension” are duly trademarked.
Pretty solid (and humorous) comparison. Sorry I can’t credit the author (who’s probably British, judging from the Potter book title used), but it wasn’t me. It does reveal some plot points for both Star Wars: Episode IV and Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s (Philosopher’s) Stone, so if you haven’t seen those yet, avert thine eyes!
Tags: harry potter, star wars
The Crack Team is awesome at finding awesome videos. The latest awesome video is called Awesometown, submitted by awesome Agent Doubledeuce. Check out the Dudes’ Cut, which is NSFW, and hilarious. These are the same guys who brought us the SNL videos Lazy Sunday and the Natalie Portman Rap. Speaking of which, I did not think it was possible to want Natalie more, but that was before I saw her hardcore gangsta rap stylings. We love you Natalie!
Agent Masterchief submitted the gamer’s love song by Tripod. It’s more for console gamers than strategists, but I think we can all appreciate the lyrics. Your girlfriend will appreciate them even more.
Tags: andy samberg, lonely island, music video, natalie portman, snl, video
Agent Hulagun forwarded me this clever editing job of Goblet of Fire, creating a new trailer that suggests Harry and Ron share the love that dare not speak its name. The trailer is completely tame, but other images/ads at the site might not be.
Tags: harry potter, lotr, video
Not too long ago, I saw a girl on Santa Monica’s 3rd St. Promenade wearing the shirt from a Boy Scout uniform. It was at least a size too small, and appeared to be missing the first few buttons. Here’s the shocker: it was sexy! I know, I know. You’re thinking, “Take a cute girl and put her in an ill-fitting man’s shirt? Eww. Yuck. No thanks.” But as counterintuitive as it seems, it looked great. You’re just going to have to trust me on this one.
Then it hit me. Did all us Boy Scouts look that irresistible in our tan shirts? As irresistible as that poor girl on the Promenade who couldn’t even afford a bra to go with her thrift-store shirt? I bet we did! And that’s why you’ve had all those problems with camp counselors wanting to play “pitch the tent”, “log roll”, and the ever-popular “Buggery: The Board Game”. It wasn’t their fault, it was those damn shirts. They should be putting Boy Scouts in those brown shirts the Girl Scouts wear; you never hear about problems in their camps. For some reason, though, brown shirts have gotten a bad rap. But I bet if you really looked into it, you’d find there’s no historical basis for it - just simple intolerance!
Please take the time to view this professionally produced video on sexual harassment. It’s an important topic that can affect us all, in ways we might not expect. Due to it’s frank and realistic depictions, it is not safe for workplace viewing.
Tags: video
Some years ago, The Dead Alewives created a skit poking fun at those who play Dungeons and Dragons, as well as those who believe the game is dangerous. While The Dead Alewives seem to have disappeared, the skit remains the most beloved piece of D&D humor ever created (Jeremy Irons in Dungeons and Dragons not withstanding). The skit has also inspired a few videos to go along with the audio (although they only cover Part I). Highly recommended to any current or recovering players.
They’re really becoming service oriented.
Over the past couple of years, some of you may remember hearing me talk about my idea for a ‘Hula Jesus’ Dashboard Doll and other variations–the Hula Mary and Hula Moses. Well, in actually deciding to work on prototypes, I decided to do another search to see if the idea had been taken yet. I found a dashboard Jesus on a spring and a ‘Buddy Jesus’ (from Dogma) dashboard doll– that I was thinking of actually purchasing for Phil (or myself) as a stocking stuffer this Xmas, but there was no Hula Jesus for sale.
What I did find, however, was a blog titled “Have the shins changed your life?” on a website www.alexandericinla.blogspot.com After seeing Garden State when it was in theaters. I got a copy of their first album and have listened to it an unhealthy number of times. And to answer his question, in a weird way, yes, the shins probably have changed my life. I guess. It’s possible. You’re wondering what this has to do with Hula Jesus. I know. Actually nothing. But my search for a “HULA JESUS” in google did lead me to this kid’s blog. Well, I read the appropriate entry and after he goes on about work (he’s an assistant in film) and his fondness of googling his name to see what the other people with the exact same name are up to.—which I have to admit I also do. There’s Mike Yurchuk, the video game designer, as well as the deceased high schooler-whose-family-started-a-scholarship fund-named-after-him Michael Yurchuk, and Mike the sales manager for a candadian based store fixture manufacturer and installer. as well as the Concordia University Alumni, class of 1959 graduate who incidentally, Concordia has lost touch with and is looking for anyone with his current information to invite him to this years forty fifth reunion. At least they can rest assured it’s not the Michael Yurchuk who died in May of 1963 in Maine because that one was 76 years old. So, Concordia Alum, there’s still a chance he’s alive and kicking. Sorry. Hula Jesus. Right.
After Eric mentions this similarity we have (which I’ve gotta beleive everyone has googled their own name) he starts to talk about getting an ipod and that it’s not nearly as cool as his Hula Jesus dashboard doll which he calls his invention. And that if anybody steals it to please send him some money via paypal.
I was like, wait a second. Do I know this guy? He’s in film. I’m in TV. we might have crossed paths. Was I drunk at a bar talking loudly about the Hula Jesus? OR did he actually just come up with the idea himself? I mean the hula girl and the jesus statue are popular dashboard items. I guess other people would have thought to meld the two together. OR maybe, Jesus himself is trying to get this idea off the ground, gently passing it along to people in the hopes they would get off their ass and invent this thing all ready. Maybe he was like, ok, i gave this idea to Mike two years ago, and he’s done shit with it. Let me try this kid Eric, he seems ambitious. Who knows?
All I know is that his blog was written just seven days ago. The first blog he ever wrote was on the 10/26/04. My first was two days before that. Coincidence. yeah. But still, kinda weird. It makes me think though that maybe this isn’t such a bad idea afterall. I mean this guy would probably buy one. Maybe there’s more of us out there. I’m going to finish my work on the prototype. Maybe we could do a whole line of Hula Jesus dolls and toys. Like Malibu Barbie but Jesus will surf and drive a woody, wearing an Array of Hawaiin Shirts. I mean I would think Jesus spends a fair amount of his vacation time there… I think that’s where the footprints thing happened…somewhere on the North Shore.
Also, it just makes me think about how ideas are in the air and you can choose to do something about them or not but your first instinct is probably a good one. It made me think of an interesting concept for a movie where a guy discovers that someone else is having exactly the same thoughts (possibly through a web log) and decides to try and meet up and all the weirdness that follows. Clearly not a well thought out treatment, but an interesting concept none the less. Well, if nothing else comes from all of this–Hula Jesus or my new film idea, at least it inspired me to write my second blog. And don’t worry, lack of popular demand will not affect the writing of my third web entry due out on a crack team website near you!
Among the sources of hilarity that are obscured from the public eye, the delightfully demented comic strip Red Meat features prominently. Trying to describe it would just do it a disservice, so head on down to the meat locker and start reading.
A coworker is going to be out for knee surgery, and said he’d be back on Monday. Our secretary insists he wants to be back on Friday. No he doesn’t. He doesn’t even want to be here Monday-Thursday. Or weekends. He comes in because he has to, just like the rest of us. But you can skip all that if you just take my advice and win the lottery.
Lottery winners get craploads of money, and it only costs a dollar. So it’s totally worth it. You just gotta make sure you get the right ticket. Trust me, it’s easier than it sounds. Some tips…
Don’t pick a previous winning number. Have you ever heard of the same number winning twice, in any lottery? Me neither. You can get the winning numbers off the internet - for free! This cuts out thousands of useless numbers. If you don’t do this, you’re just wasting money.
Bribe the 7-11 guy. Obviously, this guy’s already won, or else he wouldn’t have a 7-11. Don’t tell me you come fresh off the boat and say, “I need a 7-11″, and they just give you one. Those things are freakin’ expensive. You gotta win the lottery first. So a lot of foreigners know how to pick the right numbers. But don’t ask a foreigner who’s selling oranges, or writing software, ’cause they haven’t figured it out yet (oranges and computers are cheap, compared to 7-11s). Also, don’t think they had money when they came here, ’cause if you had mad fat stacks of cash - 7-11 money - you’d be big pimpin’ back in your third world hood, with all sorts of fly honeys. Not running a 7-11 in the States, that’s for sure.
Get a job cleaning the lotto machine. Those machines work by blowing ping-pong balls around, and grabbing the winning balls from the top. Just tell them you need to wash the balls, and then inject the non-winning numbers with something to weigh them down, like heroin. You probably already have that in your needle, anyway. And you can always get more heroin, ’cause you’re gonna win the lottery. In fact, you might even win a few lotteries in a row, before everyone catches on. If you do this, ignore the rule about not picking previous winning numbers.
There are other ways, but they might be illegal, so I won’t talk about them here. Remember, rich people make their own luck. But that’s another topic for another time.
Tags: investing
So when I tell you about the awesomeness that is the Strongbad email, you should be saying, “duh”. ‘Cause you knew about it like only a million years ago. Pfffffft. But if you’re not saying that, you have a crapload of hilarious web pages to go through. And also, you’re not as cool as me (but you knew that). So get crackin’! Also, there are a lot of easter eggs, especially at the end of the episodes, so you end up waving your mouse cursor all over the damn screen like you’ve got Parkinson’s, searching for a cool extra tidbit. And it’s worth it.
Apologies to those with Parkinson’s. Peace.
Tags: animation
News 14 Carolina had a brilliant idea: let businesses notify them of snow storm closings via a web form, and they’d display them over the air in a bar at the bottom of the screen. Fully automated, very efficient. No human supervision whatsoever. Click here to see how it turned out.