The Crack Team » Film

Java 4-ever

archangel — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 22:08:25 +0000

If you are a Java or .NET developer, or just lived through the Sun-Microsoft war, you should find this very amusing. Lots of little touches. There are a few seconds that will not be work appropriate, but overall it’s safe. It’s also in HD, although the embedded player may not show that.

Update: As pointed out in the comments, the original video went private, so here is another in HD. However, the few naughty seconds (no nudity) require you to sign in.

Possibly Related Posts

Happy Top Gun Day!

archangel — Thu, 13 May 2010 21:56:39 +0000

Happy Top Gun Day! Now, off to find a target rich environment…

Why Ebert Hates 3D

archangel — Wed, 05 May 2010 08:25:38 +0000

Roger Ebert has a piece in Newsweek on why he hates 3D. I must agree. To be clear, there are good uses of it, but there are also a lot of crappy, after the fact, lipstick on a pig 3D conversions. This is just like the IMAX “conversions” where they use their patented process to change a regular movie into the exact same fucking movie, except it costs more. I’ve been boycotting the fake IMAX films (by boycott I mean I just see the normal version) and I’ll be doing the same with the fake 3D films. You may be surprised to find out that both Clash of the Titans and Alice In Wonderland are fake 3D. I just read they’re slapping it on Michel Gondry’s Green Hornet, too. Let’s all follow Ebert’s lead and save some money.

I do have one prediction: 3D in the home won’t take off until, like VHS and the Internet, it’s embraced by the pornographers.

Kick-Ass: Where Are The Superheroes? (spoiler-free)

archangel — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 06:31:10 +0000

I just saw Kick-Ass. It’s like if Quentin Tarantino and Guy Ritchie had a baby, and that baby made a comic book-inspired vigilante movie. Fucking operatic. And it’s already cracked the IMDB Top 250. BTW, it’s rated R and absolutely not a kid’s movie. That’s all I’m going to say about the movie, but it (or the comic book it was based on) raises an interesting question: Why aren’t there more (or any) superheroes? I am enough of a geek to try and answer that question seriously.

The main issue is motive. You need a pretty powerful motive to get you to risk your health to fight crime directly. And I think motives are rare. Yes, there are homicides every day, but consider the details – the cops are always pointing out that most victims knew their killer. It’s personal. You will be filled with anguish and rage if your sister gets killed by her ex-boyfriend, and you might take a bat or shotgun to the bastard, but you almost certainly won’t don a costume and start targeting other ex-boyfriends out there. Odds are you’ll just call the cops.

The kind of act that would motivate you to go superhero is something like random gang violence. Street crime. That’s pretty rare, all told. 9/11 inspired thousands to take action, but you can’t fight terrorism in a costume. You do it in a uniform as a Marine, or in a suit as a CIA or FBI agent. But most crime just inspires people to be racists.

The other issue is ability. In Snow Crash, Neal Stephenson writes:

Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial-arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. If my family was wiped out by Colombian drug dealers and I swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live, and devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad.

Even as an overweight computer geek with a poor history of coordination, I was no different. Now I’m well past 25 with lots of extra weight, a bum knee, a bum shoulder, a back that can go out while sneezing or toweling off, etc. If I ever fight crime, it won’t be up close and personal. It will probably involve a computer.

Criminals know this. They target women and guys who look older or weaker. They don’t mug guys who are anywhere in the running for world’s baddest motherfucker. This is why, when I’m in a sketchy area, I walk tall, chest out, arms uncrossed, hands out of pockets (or one hand in a gun-sized pocket), and put on my serious game face that says, “Please. Try and fuck with me. See how that goes.” This is because I am thinking, “Please. Dear Lord up in Heaven. Don’t let anyone fuck with me.” And also, “He just had to pick a restaurant in the hood. I’m going to kick his fucking ass.”

Character Actor Composite

archangel — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 08:19:43 +0000

Found an interesting page that’s simply a composite of character actor head shots and names, so when you’re trying to remember someone you can scan the photos and find out. There are some that are obvious to even part time film buffs, like Giovanni Ribisi, Charles Napier, and James Cromwell, but also a number I could only recognize by face. Sooner or later someone is going to turn this into a photo quiz.

Funny or Die Best of 2009

archangel — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 00:42:19 +0000

Website Funny or Die posted their top 10 “must see” videos of 2009. 3 of these videos are actually must see, so I’m including them here:

Lindsay Lohan’s eHarmony profile
I would still totally date this chick. The hard part would be coming up with a profile that matched me with her without banning me from eHarmony.

Rachel Bilson’s deleted sex scene
While this is funny, it’s also gross. When you get grossed out, just skip ahead to 3:15. Also note the indie/art film director is actually McG, director of the prestigious art house sensation Charlies Angel’s 2: Full Throttle.

Between Two Ferns With Zach Galifianakis
Zach interviews Natalie Portman. It’s somewhat reminiscent of the Chris Farley celebrity interviews, minus the endearing charm, plus a lot more creepiness.

Possibly Related Posts

Conservative Time-For-Tea

bladerunner — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 20:27:07 +0000

Time for a little break. So much going on at work, you tend to stay away from TV, movies and popular culture. But those who are blessed with a job¹, however tenuously, should take a break and thank the Power-That-Be for the people responsible for these humorous asides:

Sarah Palin does a pretty credible job getting back at our old friend William Shatner. If Bill’s reaction is genuine surprise at her sudden appearance, then I am even more impressed with Bill’s acting abilities !! Someone really, really needs to get him in the Star Trek sequel quickly, before he joins Scotty and Bones in the big Starship in the Sky.

Oh, and by the way. Bill is a Canadian actor taking valuable Hollywood jobs away from US citizens. Can someone get the immigration problem in this country corrected? Too many Canadians are coming down to take our high-paying white-collar jobs in this country. Forget the Mexican border; folks down there are coming to take the lesser-paying jobs and will not affect your six-figure, professional position. It’s the Canadians that are the problem. And they look just like you and me so that they are harder to find and deport.

However, good going Conan. You are so good at this that I may start watching the Tonight Show again. I stayed away for the last 15 or so years, but I think the Show is in good, capable hands again. Can anyone tell me what happened to Triumph, the Insult Dog?²

Finally, I just have to mention this item that I read in the news about poor Tiger Woods. No more jokes, this is serious. Here’s the excerpt in the news from one of his supporters:

“One thing people don’t understand is that we’re human,” Heat guard Dwyane Wade said in Miami. “You’re not born with a menu on how not to do things wrong. You’re going to make mistakes like every human being.”

Actually Dwyane, there is a menu that you were given when you were small. It’s called The Bible. Sure it’s old and seemingly out-of-date or out-of-touch. It’s as old as Humanity, and it does seem to be in touch with the foibles and peccadillos that affect all of us, all of the time, since the beginning of time. I don’t think Mr. Woods is the first person that has ever cheated on his wife; plenty of those stories in the Bible. You may want to crack it open one of these days.

I’m not implying that most bloggers are out-of-work, left-of-center hipsters with too much time on their hands. But it is an effective stereotype.
As I said earlier, I’ve been away from TV for awhile.

All Hail The Zombie Apocalypse!

archangel — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 01:00:54 +0000

Listen up, because there isn’t much time.¹ The 3rd best movie this year – and second funnest – is about to leave theaters. That movie is Zombieland and it is awesome.

First of all, it’s not a horror-comedy. It’s about as scary as playing the original House of the Dead in a well lit Dave & Busters. But it is a terrific action-comedy, chock full ass-kicking and clever humor. The cast is small, but the choices were inspired.

This movie made me look forward to a Zombie apocalypse. Of course, I soon realized I’d be one of the fatties who’d get eaten first, but it’s motivating me to resolve that. It’s time to pick up a zombie survival guide and start a fireman or baseball player exercise regimen. That will really help when you run out of bullets and need to start swinging an axe or a bat or a banjo. It will also help if I ever get a shot at Emma Stone. And, dear Lord up in Heaven, do I want a shot at Emma Stone.

So seriously, hurry up and catch this. You may only have until Thursday; even now, it’s only playing a couple times a night at our local megaplex. Time is running out!

Even less time because stupid fucking WordPress didn’t post this when I wrote it several days ago.

Premakes: What Could Have Been

archangel — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 11:31:31 +0000

I thought he did a fantastic job with both editing and titles.

Ghostbusters (1954)

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1951)

Forest Gump (1949)

Possibly Related Posts

The New A-Team Cast

archangel — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 12:17:13 +0000

The A-Team movie will be out in 2010, and the word is that it will be more serious than the TV show. Sounds like they are trying to be more like Miami Vice and less like Starsky and Hutch. I’m anxious to see how this will turn out, especially now that the main cast has been announced.

John “Hannibal” Smith: Liam Neeson
In (much) earlier versions, George Clooney was in talks to play Hannibal. Clooney would do campy well, but for some reason I like Neeson better as a more serious colonel. He seems to go well with cigars.

Templeton “Faceman” Peck: Bradley Cooper
I’m used to him playing the wimp (Alias) or the bully (everything else). But I think he can find some middle ground.

B.A. Baracus: Quinton “Rampage” Jackson
No, this is not the Junk Yard Dog. But close.

“Howling Mad” Murdock: Sharlto Copley
A.K.A. Wikus Van De Merwe from District 9, the second best movie this year. He proved he can do crazy, but can he do an American accent?

Some chick Faceman used to bang: Jessica Biel
I did not have to go further than my hard drive for this photo.

There was a time I hoped for an original cast. I mean, the show ended in ’87 and they’ve been talking about a movie for years. And Mr. T has aged well. But all in all, I think they made some good choices.