I’ve received an automated notification that if I don’t contribute to the blog soon, I risk losing my rank as “commander”. I sure as hell don’t want to be demoted to a measly “admiral”.
Truth is I didn’t think I had anything relevant or topical to add lately, but that is unfair to the crackteam organization. There’s always something relevant if you think hard enough!

THREE THINGS I’VE LEARNED ABOUT MY WIENER THIS YEAR.

number1
No matter how sure you are you didn’t get any on your hands, never “handle yourself” after using Ben-Gay.
While not completely uninteresting, the cooling sensation will last for hours. It can be especially uncomfortable in the winter.

number2
No matter how careful you think you are, never use your crotch to secure your drilling site.
Sounds like an obvious one, yet there I was holding vinyl shutters on top of my legs while sitting on my front steps. I drilled about 20 holes before it happened.
As soon as I broke through, the drill bit drove into my pants and twisted up everything on it’s way down. While not breaking skin, I still had to reverse the drill to release the tool from my tool all while trying to maintain the look of “nothing to see here. I know what I’m doing” because the only thing worse than drilling through your crotch is looking like a fool to the neighborhood.
Moving on…

Number3
Sometimes it’s best to sit when you pee.
Follow with me here. It’s a complicated one.
I was trying to remove some stickers from a control panel. They are stuck on using a permanent sticky glue. It’s worse than sap when it gets on your hands. It’s meant to stick to anything and I had gotten some of it on my fingers.
Later I had to pee, so there I was standing over the toilet after I was done with the stickers. I pulled my johnson out long enough to make sure the aim was correct, then tried to let go. I TRIED to let go. But I wasn’t letting go. The glue was forcing me to maintain hold of… myself and I ended up spraying all over the walls of the “executive” bathroom while trying to shake myself free. So a 30 second wizz turned into a 15 minute scrub down.

Well that’s it for now. I’ll be sure to get back to you next year when I learn all kinds of great new things about my wiener.